Me and My Family

Me and My Family

24 November, 2011

Giving Thanks

Giving Thanks!!!
My Husband
My Daughter
My Son
My Parents
My Brothers
My Pets
My Heavenly Father
My Savior
My Friends
My "other" health
My Church
My Scriptures
My Home
My Ability to get out of bed each morning.



19 November, 2011

What happened the them? uh hmmm... I mean us.

I am on Facebook way too much I admit. If I spent as much time exercising as I do on facebook, I would be skinny, and in good shape. Of course I have not yet mastered this technique. I'll work on that.

While on Facebook recently I noticed a friend of mine (who(m)? I graduated with from High school) had posted a bunch of pictures from the 25th class reunion of the Class of 86...woo hooo.

I started looking through the pictures and I have to admit there were some I did NOT recognize at all. Some I recognized but couldn't put a name to and some who I recognized immediately. My underlying thought though was, "what in the world happened to all of them?!" Then I groaned, got up, went into the bathroom, looked in the mirror, and there is was! Looking right back at me. REALITY! And so with a little dose of humility and a big helping of dissatisfaction I had to admit the same thing that had happened to them had also happened to me. What the Hay?!!!!

I started to wonder how many of them (all of whom were smiling ear to ear in all the pictures) were sick? How many of them have had to deal with grief yet? How many of them were not where they wanted to be in life? How many of them have had to or are currently fighting for their own life? How many of them have realized their dreams? How many of them are living the life they wanted, or thought they would? How many of them have ever left Wisconsin? How many of them haven't? How many of them still party likes its 1999? Or 1986? lol
How many?
Does it matter?
I don't know. I'll never know the answers to my questions because with the exception of my friend who posted the pictures, I really don't stay in touch with any of them. After all, I live in a foreign country as far as many of them are concerned. I probably have more in common with many of them now than I did in High School. I don't know though.
Well, it's all part of life. It seems reasonable that I am the age I am, but when I think of others being my age, or getting older I can't grasp it.
At the same time I sometimes feel like I haven't gotten older, only my kids are getting older. I just look different, don't have as much fun, am fatter, and less active than I was a long time ago. hahaha
All that goes on.
Love you all...thanks for reading.

16 November, 2011

Really?...can I get a break please?

My son, Damon has been sick this week. I am keeping him home this morning, but may be taking him to school later in the morning. His fever is gone, and he ate something finally and is drinking water.
At the end of yesterday I thought about ways to get him to stop talking. Seriously....he talks more than my daughter and stepdaughter combined!!!! I don't think I'm kidding....he talked all day yesterday. Even while coloring, or painting, listening to Christmas music,  or doing practice worksheets (his choice). Maybe that's why it's taking  so long for him to get better, he is expending all his energy talking rather than relaxing and recovering.
I sometimes feel like I want to plug in ear buds and play music to myself all day.
Bode, the pup is recovering from a biopsy he had. (no I don't have results yet).
Lincoln is due for bloodwork so I can keep him on his drugs for seizures.
John has some cold, I think it might just be an aversion to the cold weather and a good excuse to stay inside. Love you John!!! lol
Why on earth he insists on living here forever is beyond me.
Someday....I dream of being one of those "snowbirds". You know...we get to live here for the fabulous summers where days are so long and temps are reasonable and then in winter we get to go somewhere far away and warm.
I am going to keep dreaming.....and then take Damon to school.
love you all

12 November, 2011

Things to remember

~Even when I think I feel good (better), I need to REST.

~Just when I think I Should be feeling better, I need to REST.

~When I don't feel good, I need to REST.

~When there is too much going on around me, I need to REST.

~When I can't do something I should say No thank you! Then go REST.

~When I can't keep my voice from yelling every response, I need to REST.

~When I have time alone (hahaha) I need to REST.

~When I have a choice, I should REST.

To not rest when I should is doing damage to me and my family. It makes our quality time pretty much such.

~When my John tells me to go take a hot bath and REST, I should always take him up oon it.

Never turn down an opportunity to have a hot bath in the quiet space that is your bathroom.

Laundry, dishes, TV, bed making, errands, they will almost all wait for later.

So, I am off to go relax if I can, while I can.

02 November, 2011

More to share

Additional pictures of good times In Sept and Oct. during Dad's visit. That was a chilly day at the pumkin patch, it was a little windy and drizzling on us the whole time. Being the Alaskan's that we are (Dad is from Minnesota so knows about cold winters), we tuffed it out, muck boots, mittens, hats and all. Cold winters yes, but cold before Halloween is even here? blah. I dream about other people trick or treating in shorts and flip flops. I dream about being able to actually wear a costume without having to buy or make it 4 sizes too big in order to accomodate a winter coat and snow pants. 

Hay ride of sorts at pumkin patch

Nataly and Damon picking out pumkins

I dream.........She dreams....I wonder what of or for?

Damon after a day at the potato farm, digging his own!

A few highlights

Back at the end of Sept, beginning of Oct. my Dad was here for a visit. We had a really good time. We just mostly hung out together and visited. My Dad has been here many times and already seen much of the state. The purpose of this visit was to spend time together. We did! And it was nice. And we got some pictures.

Damon doing one of his chores.

Damon in the lobby of his school. Can you guess what the mascot is?

Damon and his wonderful teacher, Mrs Novak.

wrestling? hugging?

World renown pumkin patch in Palmer Alaska....surely I jest!!!!! hahaha

Dinner at Golden Corral with Grandpa's

Dad and I!

Dad, Kaili, Damon, me. walking....

My babies! Not such Babies anymore.

29 October, 2011

Twas two sleeps before Halloween

T'was two sleeps before Halloween and momma ghost feels lousy.

I wish today I had a different life!
One filled with the following things~

lots of kids who behaved well,
A motorcycle
A sexy car,
A sexy body,
A successful business,
A passport I used often,
A wonderful Talent,
No animals,
no worries,
The Same husband,
TheSAme parents,
The Same DAughter,
and the Same Son,
But with all the others things added.

28 October, 2011

Just another shot of poison

Well. I just got unhooked from my 46 hour infusion pump. Wednesday was treatment 4 in round 2. I was really sick Wednesday night. So much nausea...even with phenigran on board. Oh well. That's what poison does to our bodies I guess. I have more energy today, but nasty taste in my mouth. Its too hard to explain. It isn't really metallic. It's more like dry, raw, thick, gross. The only things that help it feel better are gum...and cold smooth drinks that I shouldn't drink like milkshakes. No I haven't had one yet. I may have to talk myself into settling for a smoothie. Or as much water as I can hold. That is better anyway, helps flush everthing out better.
Today I am headed to Damon's classroom party...he is a mouse, the one from Hickory Dickory Dock. Tonight there is another little party at school, like a carnival and for that I got him a Green Lantern costume.
Other than that I am happy to stay close to home and chill until I feel better. I was able to rest a lot yesterday which was a good thing as I had zero energy and was feeling downright cruddy.
I hope you all have a ghostly, goulish, scary, fun Halloween weekend.

20 October, 2011

well well well

I have just been busy, not feeling well, or flat out not in the mood to blog you probably noticed.

Even now I am not altogether sure I am in the mood. It's quiet in the house and I would rather be reading Pioneer Womans book, Black Heels to Tractor Wheels. It is Soooooooooooooooo good. I just read last night the wedding and beginning of the honeymoon part.

My Dad was up for a visit, that was great. Thanks to his stepson he gets to fly standby for a nominal fee and come up here. Then my mom came to town to accompany me to a treatment. And in and out of all this Damon is adjusting, or shall I say having trouble adjusting to riding the bus and going to school. Also through this time period I have been fighting a cold bug and it was really dragging me down in the dumps. The dark nether regions of my mind. The sinkhole that exists in the middle of my world now. It's like quicksand I imagine. Very hard to get out of if one isn't careful. So sticky, mucky, dirty, dark, gloomy, and possessive.

Finally I let myself take the med's my Nurse practioner prescribed and I am starting to come up for air, to feel more energy, see some light. I actually went for a walk this morning. I am seriously considering buying a treadmill. With winter coming on I believe it would be best for me and for the dogs to stay active and some days it's just too darn cold and windy to go out. It will help keep the dogs from driving me nuts too, once I teach them to use it. I will wear their sorry little legs out!!! they will be too tired to run around the house wreaking havok in my living room and on my couch! Of course when I use it I might be too tired to care anymore! lol

I got a sweet letter from one of my favorite Missionaries and A Beautiful stained glass star I ordered on Etsy in the mail today. Two great things in one mail stop. Love it! Pics of the star to come. And my dads visit, and Damon. But you might want to check out these stars. See KurtKnudsen

Love his and his wife's stuff.
Well, I am on to my book. Love a great love story!

13 September, 2011

I didn't see that comin'

Treatment #1 Round #2

I sooo did not see it coming. I have never felt sick during a treatment before, but yesterday!

Well, yesterday I felt so sick. My muscles were shaking, I got hotflash upon hotflash, nausea, lightheadedness. Finally had to call the nurse over to check blood pressure and give me something. She stopped the pumps for about 15 minutes to give me a break. My dear wonderful friend Lisa was there with me for this and took the afternoon off to stay with me when she saw that I wasn't feeling so Hot (get it? haha even though I was feeling really Hot. lol

So I then took a nap and felt much better when I was awake. Still though, my muscles were shaky and I felt like a lead weight when I stood up to go. I made it home safe and sound, went to bed early and feel much more human this morning.

The nurse said I shouldn't go through that every time....Lord, let's hope not!!!

On to regularly schedule tasks today!

Good news first....this new med will not give me cold sensitivity in my mouth so I can keep drinking cold wheatgrass juice, and smoothies. Bring it on!
love and hugs to all.

08 September, 2011

Round #2

It has been a GREAT break, but I will be starting round #2 of Chemo Monday. We met with the Doc. Things are progressing the same as they have been, slow and steady.
We would rather not wait until slow and steady turns into Fast and spreading so we (as in John and I) made the decision to go ahead and nip it in the butt. I am not looking forward to giving up my smoothies...can't tolerate cold stuff, and cold water.
It looks like I will be on veggie soup, miso soup, and salad diet now for the duration. At least I know that once Chemo stops, it won't take long for the cold sensitivity to wear off. The Doc thinks I shouldn't have to go 7 straight months again this time last round #1. I can probably do like 3 months, take a short break, and do a few more months and keep track of everything via CT scans.
So, one good thing is I will have the day of infusion to catch up on reading, and napping!!! lol
And at least this time I won't be scared like I was the first time I ever went to Chemo. I know the nurses, I know what to expect, and I am prepared.

06 September, 2011

who can take a nap...

Grrr....It's my own fault. I've been trying to take a quick 45 minute nap. Damon is at school and Ava didn't come today. I couldn't mow cus I found the mower empty!
I layed down, the dogs were right next to me, all was calm and quiet. Alas! I start to drift off in my cacoon under the blanket where it's cozy warm and I feel it. My bladder. It's full. Didn't I JUST go? I thought so.
But wait, I drank a ton of water this morning to go with the tall jug of contrast I also had to drink at 10.
Yikes. Nap is over! After getting up twice, I might as well just forget it. So here I am blogging about it instead. Nap sweet Nap. You will have to wait.
Even a whole day to ones self isn't enough when said ones self has so much she wants and needs to do and get done.
Oh well....Another day!
Ct scan is this afternoon, Doc appt tomorrow. Nerves couldn't possibly have anything to do with interfering with my nap, or not knowing what to do with my time alone. Time alone, anyway, what's up with that? It happens so rarely of course I don't know what to do with it.
Oh yeah, so the Doc see's me tomorrow and yes I am nervous, but then I always am. I feel that if there is bad news, like it's not already, it's all my fault for being such a CHEATER on my diet this last month and a half.
With everyone gone though, it has improved tremendously. I don't have the cravings I did, I'm not snacking like I was, I can go back to buying just my produce and the things Damon and John like, and nothing extra if I don't want. It was psychological I am sure. It was like the day Kaili arrived I was in the pantry every 30 minutes looking for something, the day she left, I couldn't have cared less (well almost). lol
Sorry, it's not your fault Kaili, just some psychological trigger for me. Gotta work on that.
So, every day I will make it better. Produce produce produce.

An exerpt from a book I am reading:

"As we are not plants, we do not carry out photosynthesis and therefore do not produce any of our own antioxidants. Fortunately  the anitoxidants in plants work in our bodies the same way they work in plants. It is a wonderful harmony. The plants make the antioxidant shields, and at the same time make them look incredibly appealing with beautiful, appetizing colors. Then we animals, in turn, are attracted to the plants and eat them and borrow their antioxidant shields for our own health. Whether you believe in God, evolution or just coincidence, you must admit that this is a beautiful, almost spiritual, example of natures wisdom."
pg 93 The China Study by T. Colin Campbell, PhD and Thomas m. Campbell II, MD

Now to follow up with that, from the scriptures, because I do believe in God,

Genesis 1:29

"And God said, "behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in the which is the fruit of a tree yeilding seed; to you it shall be for meat."
In other words we should be eating a plant based diet as much as possible. yes? yes! The "meat" of our diet should be plants, fruits, veggies, nuts, beans, seeds.
Ok. moving right along. A few pictures from the weekend. love and blessings to you! Dani
Hiking up the Butte! This is just the beginning.

At the top! Pioneer Peak in the background. We R NOT doing that one. lol

Knik glacier in the background here.

Not exactly the smiles I was hoping for. lol

That's better.

Labor day drive to Talkeetna.

02 September, 2011

This could change things

Oh my Gosh!

I can't believe I did this. I forgot to pick up my contrast drink for the CT scan and they aren't open again until the morning of.

What a dork. I kept telling myself all week as I would prepare to run errands, "now don't forget to stop and get that yummy stuff to drink."

It's SO dang yummy that I kept not going to get it. then this afternoon John told me he would go get it. I asked if that would be now, or later. Later meaning not at all. I should have left him home alone with Damon and All three dogs and the baby girl I watch to just go get it.

Now I am mentally slapping us both! Plan B is to call them first thing Tuesday and see if there is something I can take that is fast acting. I imagine they might just reschedule me for afternoon, then I can get the drink, start it in the morning and be good to go by afternoon. The only glitch is by the time I meet with the Doc on Wednesday she will only have a preliminary report, not the full written one. Oh well. If she can at least discern what is going on and what might need to be done, then I am game.

It's just, do I really need this added stress through the long weekend? Oh, I can just hear some of you now....(dad) of course I do! lol

Of course you would think that. And maybe I do. Keeps me on my toes, but not really. If I was on my toes I wouldn't have put this off until Friday afternoon.

I got some new wonderful books.
"The China Study"~ Research revealing the implications for diet, weightloss and long term health.
"A life in balance" ~ a cookbook for a macrobiotic way of life by Meg Wolff
"Becoming Whole" ~ Meg Wolffs story of her full and complete recovery from Breast cancer.
All about how diet plays a role, and not a little one, in our health.  I am so into these books these days, all novels have been shelved for now. Sorry mom, but I will get to The Help soon. Thank you also for these wonderful books I am already them all.
I haven't started the book yet...still thinking...and planning in my head, which as evidenced by this last week is not a good idea. I really need to be writing these things down!

Writing, and making sure to remember things that are best remembered could change things. you think?!

31 August, 2011

I guess that's it.

        I guess that's it for summer. We returned from a trip to Fairbanks and went through a snow "storm". It was actually sticking to the ground. Not what we wanted to see. Back home the mountain tops were dusted with the cold wet white stuff. Of course it melted, but's a sign.

The berries have been picked. That is a sure sign that summer is ending...blueberries are ready. It's time to pick, wash, freeze, and then bake later when it's snowing and cold out.

The carrots are being harvested from the garden! Doesn't that look yummy?
It is yumm. So sweet and crunchy. My first homegrown carrots ever. And I am delighted to share them with this sweet little girl! The greens were being shared with the puppy though you can't see that in here. 
Family came to visit and left already. We had lots of company this summer. So sad to see them go.

Laughs were had,
Trouble was made,
hugs were given,
trees were cut down,
the house was full,
though it was stressful,
it was sooooo worth it.
So good to see family, friends, pick berries, and even see snow.

Now my son is going to Kindergarten and riding the bus.
 I am beginning to wonder if I now have TOO much time on my hands.
Or should I say mind?
Not having him around talking all day, getting into everything, gives my mind down time to think about all the things I haven't been thinking about,
or have been avoiding thinking about,
or don't want to think about.
Maybe that is why I thrive on's keeps my mind out of the places I don't want it to be.
Believe me when I say it though, chaos is not gone from my day, there is always plenty to go around. I'd be happy to share some.
Now come on, I know I can't possibly be the only one out there who has chaos on their life.  Can I? Yea, I know I'm not! I knew it.
I am thinking about writing a book about "bad germs" for kids. It's very difficult to think about how I would approach it, because for me, that's the only way I have described my Cancer to Damon so far. How do you define Cancer to a 5 yr old without scaring the spunk out of them? Hmmm? Suggestions? I guess as long as we are "managing" my illness that is the only way I will define it to him, as "bad germs", really bad ones.
But, back to a book....If I ever really get around to it, I will need an illustrator, and publisher. Suggestions again....?
Blessings to you!!!!

28 August, 2011

Evidence of the end of summer season

Today I said goodbye to my Kaili girl. She had to return to Fairbanks for another year in college.

Tomorrow I say goodbye to my son Damon (for the day anyway, and each school day of the week) as he starts kindergarten.

Tuesday I might be feeling better about all of this.

Or not.

Who knows.

All I know right now is both my kids are excited to be off on their adventures. I should just be HAPPY and sigh...Lord knows me best and how much I have always loved loved loved a good adventure out on my own.

I will be grateful that my two kiddos take after me in that way!

I have good things to look forward to though and that helps tremendously.

My dad is visiting at the end of Sept at which time Kaili says she may come for a weekend. yay!

Two for one.

And before I know it, it will be Christmas break. Yikes.

For now though I will deal with today and tomorrow, and this week. One day at a time, but Keep Moving Forward.

24 August, 2011

Sad To me

It's a sad day for me. I have been doing a lot of thinking, and weighing of options, and self talking. I have been having a really diffucult time lately at home with everything that 's going on, and honestly, with Damon~! He has been trying my patience to the max, and pushing every botton I have....repeatedly.

So, as many of you know I have been planning on homeschooling DAmon for years now. Well, today that all changed. I have decided that for now...a few months, or the whole school year I am going to send him to Kindergarten. He's going to ride the bus and everything. I need time to feel better emotionally and get in a "better place" with myself before I can tackle homeschooling with Damon.

This decision makes me feel very sad, but I also feel it is very necessary right now. My emotional state has been deteriorating fast and I need to get back on best I can anyway.

Just to make my pride feel better...I want you to know this decision has nothing to do with not feeling competent to teach my son, and everything to do with us both getting to a better place before I am willing to try to teach him.

that's all I can say about it at this time.

Sad Panda Mamma!!!

17 August, 2011

Oh so not in the mood...

Ugh...I am so not in the mood for anything remotely resembling writing in a blog right now, but it's been a long time since I wrote anything.
I have had one of those days today! The kind where I wonder what the heck I am doing even thinking about homeschooling my son. Who do I think I am anyway? What right do I have to keep him from the experience of having to sit still in a desk, in a row, in a room with (probably) no windows. To keep him from being told to draw now, color it this color, read later, don't talk, tie your shoes because you are a kindergartener....all that sort of stuff.
How dare I deprive him of riding the bus with big bullies, who could most definitely put him in his place, right?
Well, I wasn't quite thinking of it in these terms, but more like, how about just letting the school deal with him all!
Nah, seriously, I was at the end of my mommy rope today though. He is SO naughty sometimes it makes me cry and want to pull my hair out. It makes me wonder what exactly am I supposed to be learning from this experience.

Patience? not happening (consistanly anyway)

Love? got lots of that

Persistance? Could use it better

Discipline? I am trying

Follow Through? Working on it too

Stick to-itiveness? Yeah.....hmmmm

Sanity? Losing it fast it feels at times

It is difficult on days like today to remember to charish every moment, soak it all in, live life to the fullest, etc etc...But then I head to the grocery store and totally miss dinnertime as well as my littleman going to bed (well he was grounded to his room all evening anyway) and I feel more sad in a different way. I didn't get to scratch his back, read him a book, snuggle him, sing to him, talk about whatever.
Thank goodness for now I still have "tomorrow". I will try again and start all over. I will do my best to love, teach, be kind, have patience, follow through with discipline, and not yell so much. I will try to keep him engaged as much as possible throughout the day and see what happens.

In other news, CT scan coming up on Sept 5th. Nerves are kicking in. I have no idea what to expect. I am trying to give up having any expectations...

01 August, 2011


Had a short but very sweet visit with a great friend today. I hadn't realized how much I missed this friend during the 5 years I was away from the Anchorage area until coming back and spending time with her again.
This friend of mine is continuously amazed at what she perceives as my "'positive attitude" about my cancer. She is always asking me how I could possibly still be obsessed with my weight, or concerned with things my husband "doesn't" do, or worrying about cheating on my diet, such as it is.
We talked about these things today, and she helped me to put things in perpective. She has been through a fair amount of her own personal trials and has learned much from them...learned things that help her to move on, keep moving forward, keep a smile on her face, and find humor in every day.
Funny she see's me this way now...when I met her that is how I saw her...always happy, always cheerful, full of spunk, like nothing could get her down or hold her back. Boy...I didn't know her so well then. It helps me...not knowing others suffer, but knowing that we ALL have things to work through no matter how we appear to others, on the outside. We ALL have demons, faults, fears, weaknesses, trials, struggles, and challenges. We ALL handle them differently.
My friend had some wonderfully intuitive words of wisdom for me today. I am going to do my best to take them to heart and do something to apply them to my daily life so that What people see when they are around me is the true me. I'm going to tap into my inner strength to accept my weaknesses and fears. I will draw on my faith to help me, and the strength of others until I feel stronger.
Thank you Susan K...thank you SO much for letting me into your home, heart, and sharing your friendship with me. Love you and your family.

31 July, 2011

Adventures with Family

Wild Columbine
We have family visiting from California. They come every summer to get away from the heat there in to cool off in our more moderate summer weather. Well, they definitely get what they come for every time.! Our Niece, Meagan (on Johns side of the family) and her Aunt, Cynthia. We LOVE having them visit. It gives us incentive and excuses to go on adventures.  

Independence Mine
Like this adventure. We drove up to Hatcher Pass and walked around Independence Mine where they have just let things fall where they may. It's pretty neat. It started off cloudy and rainy, but by the time we finished the sun was shining and it was beautiful out.

love scenery
Coming here reminds me (every time) how much I should get out and for a hike. Though the walk around the mine felt like a small hike considering how out of shape I am in lately.
I will let the next few pictures speak for themselves, not that they are fabulous or anything like that...I only wish they were fabulous and were award winners. But in my mind, they remind me of lovely places I love to be. I want to have a wall somewhere in my house to hang all my "pieceful" pictures and sit to meditate in front of them.


Such a Poser! haha

Another poser!
Having family visit is great, it's making me feel good and normal.

19 July, 2011


I have had many people ask me how I get enough protein in my new lifestyle diet. Well, I eat black beans, broccoli, plenty of spinach and some things made with tofu.
I found this article on yahoo about protein, the worst and best. For us and the environment.

I always find these articles interesting.
Some days I am sure I get more protein than other days. But overall I feel good, I have energy, and I don't feel hungry all the time.

Just sharing

15 July, 2011

Keep Moving Forward


Well, I met with the Nurse Practitioner today and she showed me the report from the radiololgist. It says that 3 of the nodules in my lungs showed minimal growth meaning;
1 grew 1mm
2 grew 2mm each

The rest, and there are quite a few, didn't grow at all and are considered "stable".

The consensus is that we will wait another 8 weeks at which time I will get another CT scan and meet with Doc Anderson to go over those results. So....I don't have to give up my smoothies yet, which delights me to no end, and ice cold water..mmm mmm good. you see, when I am getting Chemo I develop instant cold sensativity and cannot eat or drink anything cold or even cool. Everthing has to be room temp or warm. Boring..............

Now, I have to kick my Vegan diet up a few more notches and I guess I will be cheating less and less and losing more weight. I lost close to 10 lbs since my scan in May so....

I hereby give up even "organic" tortilla chips, and even "whole wheat" bread with organic peanut butter. Basically just eating fruits, veggies and drinking my wheatgrass which is basically several veggie servings! It shouldn't be much harder than those fad "diets" everyone is always trying over and over, except I need to keep doing it forever and ever.

So, anyone want to challenge me to a weightloss competition? A certain amount by a certain date?  you do your diet and I'll do mine? hahaha lol
The other thing which would help is if I got more serious about exercising more consistantly. That would trim me up in no time if I also adhered to my eating plan.  

It sure would be easier if everyone in my house turned Vegan also!!! Don't see that happening in my near future. Oh well. I will...

Keep Moving Forward.
Only I am responsible for my choices and the results thereof.

So, Keep Moving Forward!!!


14 July, 2011



Just another word (to my reasoning anyway) for waiting....not so patiently. Waiting has never been one of my strong traits. I have become better over the years, but not great. I could improve my waiting "skills" a lot. Do I want to? Do I have the energy to? Do I have the time to? hahaha I think I'll wait to decide.

In the mean time...sorry I have not posted pics yet, but my wonderful son, Damon turned 5 Monday the 11th. 5? 5 years? What happened?

Most parents, well I think many anyway, get so excited with their firstborn at least, anticipating their babies first teeth, first bites of solids, first roll over, on and on to first day of school. I always enjoyed these things myself, though I came to an understanding with myself that I wouldn't "anticipate" them anxiously because I wanted to enjoy EVERY moment for what it was...I wanted each stage to last forever. I never wanted my babies to grow up. I was always so proud of myself for living in the moment and not trying to "get" my child to grow up faster than was natural or necessary.

Now, I have a different attitude. I've come to an agreement with myself that while I will try my DARNDEST to enjoy each moment and not rush things, I also want time to pass more quickly than usual (as if I could change the rate at which time passes) so that Damon grows up, serves a Mission, returns from said Mission and is safe and sound all before I let this Cancer kick my butt. Not that I will "let" it happen even then, but to hold it at bay until that time...whew!!! What a blessing that would be. I have Never wanted time to move faster as I do now. So all while wanting that (which I feel confident I won't get; by that I mean time going faster) I also have to remind myself daily to slow down, breath deep, relax, and enjoy what is around me, who is around me.

I find myself really needing more peace, more relaxation, more meditation, more appreciation of the things I do find myself anticipating. Even if it is results to the latest CT Scan. I fret, worry, create chaos where it doesn't need to be, eat more than i should, crave things I am giving up, and rant at those I love....I will be so glad when tomorrow afternoon is over and I have something to work least until the next scan gets close.
Stay with me on this journey, I love your support, appreciate your prayers and kind thoughts/words. Thank you for being my family, friends, followers.
May God's blessings be with you every day.

11 July, 2011

Deep Blue Sea

Deep Blue Sea.....what do these three words together bring to your mind?


I went to the Deep blue sea last friday with one of my Best friends Anna, and we went Sea Kayaking. Now, I have been kayaking before, many times...just not in the ocean. My kayaks are of the flat water variety..meant for lakes and SLOW moving streams or rivers. I stear with my paddle. I have never used a kayak with a rudder.
My friend Anna also had never been sea kayaking and is slightly a bit anxious about the water. I won't divulge too much information about her, I 'll just mention that she is AfRaiD of the water. That's not too much info right?
Me on the other hand am in love with the water, I live every day to get out on open expanses of deep deep water...ah..............not so much! I'm perfectly fine as long as I am in the boat. I'm "deathly" afraid of dying by drowning. but I wasn't afraid of drowning on this day, just nervous to think of tipping and ending up in the freezing!!! water and then freaking out about what might be lurking down there around my legs.
Ok, so moving right along. We had a wonderful experience. It started with getting in the car and making the long drive to Seward. The tour started at 7 am. We had to get signed in, then "squeeze" into these ridiculous little life jackets. I thought I was doing to choke. Or maybe it's just the ridiculous size of my chest that was the problem. hmmm...either way, I like my own life jacket best, but I hadn't brought it. We then pulled on these "skirts" they slip around the seat and keep you from getting water inside and all over your lap, pants, feet, etc.
We rode in a tandem boat so I sat in the back where I was in charge of the rudder with my feet. Anna got in front. When we first hit the water, she yelped. Within minutes she was commenting on how glad she was we were doing this...i was too. It was so serene on the water. We opted to talk just between us, and not really interact with the other people in our group. It kept in more peaceful for us. We were able to just focus on nothing or our conversation, or just the peacefulness of the moment. We saw one lone sea otter. I love those little guys, they are sooooo cute. It was just a great experience to have with a great friend. I highly recommend it to anyone who is or isn't afraid of the deep blue sea. Anyone who is just looking for a calm, fun activity to partake in to encourage accepting the moment for what it is!

07 July, 2011

Summer Days

Summer Days usually start for me with Kaili's birthday. Here she is turning 21 and still having fun with her little brother. They are enjoying a moment together before she opens presents. He believes it is his duty to assist in that task even though he has his very own birthday in just another  month. (of course as I write this his birthday is less than a week away now.)
We attended Colony Days in Palmer..there were fun things for kids, lots of food vendors like at the saturday market, and also vendors of all things homemade. Damon was trying on one of those homemade items. So cute. He had his face painted, went on some bouncy house things, and got a balloon. He and Kaili also tried corn fritters.

Ari and I are sharing a nice nap together.  


So cute, waiting for their turn to ride the 4 wheeler.
We also had 4th of July weekend. We went to a parade in Wasilla and it was the longest Alaskan parade I have ever been to. good though. We missed the fireworks the night before but when I asked my neighbor how they were they told me I didn't miss anything exciting. She told me they didn't even last 15 minutes and there was no grande finale...nothing spectacuar at all. Is that a reflection of the pride we have in our country right now? I pray not!!!! Probably just a poor job planning a display of fireworks. the unfortunately thing about living in Alaska is the best fireworks are on New Years Eve when it's too DANG cold to stand around and watch them. You do it though, even though your knees are knocking together, your teeth are clacking together, you can't feel  your fingertips (well for me last new yrs that was literally true, I couldn't feel fingers or toes).
Then the kicker is,  you drank so much hot cocoa you missed the fireworks because you were waiting in line to use the restroom!!!!
Go figure.

25 June, 2011

mmm mmm good, but no I don't eat that

My daughter and I just made a wonderfully delicious smelling breakfast. As I was cooking the bacon I was fantasizing about how yummy it would be to just take some and stuff it in my mouth. It was the thought of the pancakes oozing with warm, sticky syrup and piled with fresh strawberries and chilled coolwhip that got me drooling in my mind.
I love love love a good old fashioned breakfast. The smells of fatty, fresh cooked bacon, warm syrup, and hot pancakes brings me back to sitting at the kitchen table at Granny's farm with my cousins surrounding me and Granny cooking and serving hot waffles, fresh orange juice with the aroma of her coffee in the background. Mmmmm sweet memories.
Oh that I could go back to those carefree, wonderous, loving days. Oh that I could pile up my plate with all these yummy things and just sit and savor the flavor. But I don't eat that way anymore. I have to constantly remind myself (one wouldn't think I would have to since it's my life) that it's for my own good. That it's purpose is to extend my life so I have more of it. Life isn't about food, though we need it to sustain life...we don't need to eat the way I used to in order to stay alive. That's just for comfort, it may be all some of us know. The food we need to sustain life isn't fried, baked, grilled, broiled, you get my point.
Now breakfast is over, it's time to move on with the day, the weekend.
May you all have a great weekend.

16 June, 2011

It happens every time

I'm not gonna lie. It happens every time. The feeling of Dread. I can't seem to stop it.
It happens every time I am about a month out from my next CT scan. I start feeling full of dread and skepticism. I start having all these thoughts about what my families life will be when I am not in it. How will my son turn out? How sad will he be, how LONG will he be sad.

Not that I want him to be sad for long, but hey....I ...well let's just say I don't want to go anywhere. I need to raise him.

So how do I get past these feelings every "cycle"? I'm not sure. Staying busy, active, eating healthy, walking, distracting myself. I noticed the feelings setting in yesterday. Maybe it had more to do with the cloudy skies and rain than the fact that another CT scan is coming up on July 11th. I might never figure it out. For the most part I do well, and I feel good. All late side effects from Chemo are gone with the exception of neuropathy in my fingers and feet.
My new style of eating is going pretty well. There are moments that are still hard. Birthdays come and I take a sliver of this and a sliver of that. But day to day I do well. I just keep praying that what I am doing with my diet can work like it has for others. I pray I am doing the right thing and doing it well enough to make a difference.

I Of course two scans ago I had good reason to feel the "dread". Just when we thought the nodules were gone, they were back. Then they showed minimal growth. Now I am praying for no more growth, or even (dare I say it?) shrinkage....

Prayer! Faith! Love! Hope! Family! Friends!

Love ya

13 June, 2011

the end of last post

Blogspot has been giving my a very hard time lately.

the end of my last post was supposed to end with these websites for you to check out if you are interested.   look up burzynski:cancer is serious business or something like that.

Thanks and sorry.

Life is precious and unpredictable

We know this right though? How precious life is? How unpredictable? How fragile?

We were driving to Anchorage on Saturday and the traffic heading the opposite direction on the hwy was backed up for several miles...Not a joke. the crews are working on putting up new (huge) street lights for the hwy., so one lane was closed off. I was moaning, hoping that by the time we were ready to head back home the traffic would be better, the work crews would be gone and we could just cruz on home.

All this moaning and then we came to Eagle river, where I had an appt. to go to before finishing our trip to Anchorage. I took the main Eagle river exit and headed over the overpass, where I spotted more traffic but also, motorcycles in the ditch. Smashed! Totaled. Debree everywhere. Probably 20 cars pulled over including police/troopers. I started to slow down and got scolded by John! Don't stop on the bridge he said. Ok Ok. i will not be like those spectators I see down there on the road!!! I felt TERRIBLE. I knew there had to be a fatality. It was bad looking. This did NOT bode well for my desire to own a motorcycle someday. We proceeded on to our destination, all the while me moaning still/again, about the horrific scene and what could possibly have happened.

I stayed up that night to catch the 10 pm news. Sure enough, one 52 yr old gentleman had lost his life (in surgery) following the accident. The 29 yr old man will be alright. Both WERE wearing helmets, but they flew off in the crash. SO SAD!!!!!

CAr drivers BEWARE! you are not the only ones on the road! John tried persistantly to get ahold of a buddy of his who luck until onthe way home the friend called. He was ok, he had seen it happen, but it wasn't him! Whew.

As for me, John stumled across some interesting stuff.
this man has found a non toxic cure for many cancers which works most of the time in his Clinical Trials. He has been hounded for YEARS by the FDA (imagine that) He poses a threat to them and the pharmecuetical companies if his medicine is approved. One MAN. One medicine.

07 June, 2011

sprouting seeds

Well, I haven't written like a week. I think I just haven't had much to say. It's been a long, hard week.

But I do have good news (for me anyway). The spinach is sprouting in the garden already. Also the green beans. I hope all the things I planted grow. I will feel so good. If not, then well, I will try again next year. We have already decided that we have to do starters much sooner than we did this year. I guess my dining room might turn into a mini greenhouse next spring.

Well, just as I begin to write chaos is cutting loose in my house. I have to resume my duties as manager of indoor chaotic behaviors.

27 May, 2011

A Few of my Favorite things.

Even though the bike isn't mine it's one of my favorite things because it gives Damon and I a little more freedom for the summer. He can ride alongside me now while I ride my bike. Or it can encourage me to walk faster in order to keep up with him. It's also one of my favorite things because I love knowing how proud he is of himself for being able to ride a big boy bike now. He had a "push"bike , or "balance bike" for over a year and it is because of this he was able to learn to ride this bike his first time out on the street.
I saw this little flowering plant at Home Depot last week and HAD to have it. Well, probably didn't, but I bought it anyway. I love pretty flowers in the front yard. and I loved the bright blue against the white of these. It's called, "lithodora; blue star" or Lithodora diffusa. I may end up buying a few more if there is a  good Memorial Day sale going on. This weekend we are picking up a truckload of blended soil, compost for my gardening boxes. I am so looking forward to experimenting with my garden. I have never done a garden before so it should be interesting.
Summer fun! Running through the sprinkler in the summer sun is so much fun. I remember doing just that when I was a kid. There is nothing like a sunny day in the summer in Alaska. It's not too hot (though I know a few who would argue with me on that one.) and it's not chilly. It's just right. Not humid, and as long as there isn't wind, it's great weather for playing in the water, or walking, hiking, biking, fishing...whatever your outdoor fancy is. In some places it's just TOO hot to even be outside!

Here is Damon on his new bike, before he peddled it on the street he took it for a few spins down the hill in our backyard. He was cruzin'. He had the balance part down to a T. We have had a string of beautiful days with nice temps and sunshine and limited wind/breeze. Because of this we have been spending a lot of time outside. It's a far cry from last winter when we spent most days inside waiting for the temps to rise and the wind to die down. Winters in Alaska are definitely hard, I'm not gonna lie, I'm actually starting to dread them, but there is nothing I have experienced yet that can outdo a nice sunny summer day in Alaska, spent with your kids, family, friends, or just a great book.

Kaili..................One of my First Favorite things!!!! Who ever could have guessed I would have been so in love? When I was pregnant with this precious girl I never DREAMED she would bring so much joy to my life. I never imagined I would love being her mom so much. I never dared hope we would have so many adventures together. And I never believed I could accomplish so much with her, for her, because of her.

And now she is grown...
So beautiful!

And here is Handsome! I never thought I would get the opportunity to raise another child (and a boy at that). What a dream come true. And what a challenge. A wonderful, smart, goofy, silly, helpful, loving challenge.
My John....I cannot say enough about how much of a support he has been to me through everything. Even before my diagnosis! And expecially since my diagnosis. He has taken wonderful care of me and our son. There have been times he has had to take full responsibility for Damon and the dogs, and the household chores. And then provide me with support all while dealing with his own emotions and thoughts on my illness. I don't think  a lifetime of thank  you's can ever cover it.  I have no idea what he is feeling these days. He keeps a lot inside where people can't see it. He keeps himself busy when he isn't at work. We don't talk much about it, though I do wish we did sometimes. Then again, I don't want my cancer to be the only thing we talk about. I also don't want it to be in every conversation. I am more than my diagnosis, even if I will never feel like my "old self" again.
And then there is Murphy, that silly little Bearded Dragon. she isn't eating much, isn't growing, and I am worried about her. She is cute though. I took her outside with me yesterday to sit in the sun. There are two more members of our household, Ari and Lincoln, my dogs. I will have to play with them extra today to apologize for not putting them in this post. For now, I am off to walk, Damon is anxious to ride his new bike ...imagine that........