Time comes and time goes

I realize it's been awhile. My computer is down again. I have to back everything up to my external harddrive with Johns help, which we haven't found time to get yet.

I had my last  Chemo treatment last Monday and have also been very busy recovering from that...My fingers are extremely sensitive and sore so typing is painful. Doing anything with my hands pretty much just hurts. Then there's the whole weakness, fatigue and stuff. But that is pretty much past. I feel so much better today than I did three days ago. Not counting sore fingers and toes.

Mom was here to help during the down time so I was able to relax, take bathes, lay on the couch and in general, be lazy....ooops I mean, spend time recovering. It does feel like being lazy. This time around though was the worst and I felt like crap!!!! I can see how people get to a point where they want to give up. I almost felt like I  could do just that last Friday! Thank goodness it passes (for me anyway) and I feel more positive now as I get better. And when I talk about "getting better", it's all relative. I mostly mean getting better from the effects of Chemo. Getting better from the actual "cancer" still remains to be seen.

I have a CT scan in January! Praying for nothing less than good results....more shrinkage, and disappearance of the lesions in my lungs. I would be pleased, as would my family, with total disappearance! Wouldn't that be grand? Then on to keeping them gone. Whew.

I have goals, plans, ideas, places to see, a Son to raise. Birthdays to celebrate and Christmas's to bake for.

I have family to spend time with, vacations to go on, gardens to plant, Service to provide. The list could go on and on. I pray God's plan for me runs somewhat parallel to my plan for me. HAHAHA.

Sorry no pics this time. When I get my computer cleaned up there will be pictures. In the meantime, I am on to carry on with my day.

May this Christmas Season bring you all much joy and love, not to mention Blessings!!!

Love,

Dani

Now, moving right along...

Trying to be "tough" with new haircut

It took two tries, but we finally got the haircut we wanted. Though we are both missing the long hair. Littleman...uh, huh...I mean Ironman knows it will grow back!



Blackberry pie, and banana bread (with blueberries and without)

Two of the yummy's I baked for Thanksgiving. Ironman (littleman), insists blueberries are good for killing the germs in my body, so I use them when I can.




Tony Stark is in the kitchen!

Helping with apples for Apple Crisp! I didn't get a pic of it, but boy did it turn out wonderful. not only did it look good, but it tasted divine!




one of those naps I mentioned in previous entry!



Tony Stark AKA Ironman, and Kaili Girl! Oh I wish it was me.

Lovin' the new haircut!

Overall it was a GREAT weekend. I wasn't feeling my best, but I pushed through. Treatments are really taking a toll on my body. Neuropathy is getting worse and sometimes my legs feel numb even above my knees. My fingers and toes are sore all the time. I can't wait for this last treatment on the 6th of December. I am taking a break!!!!!

I'm so looking forward to that, and maybe by Christmas I will feel almost normal.

After that I am not sure which route I will be taking.

I have been researching books, and documentary programs about diet and how our body can heal itself through diet. Everything I am reading runs parallel and it's very interesting. Even though the authors of the books have different training, different names for what they are promoting, it all looks very similar and the underlying theory is that our body can heal itself with the right Diet.

So, who's diet do I adopt? Do I combine them all? They are very similar with a few exceptions...so how to know which ONE is the one to use? I want healing....and I want it soon. I will keep studying, and learning, and praying about it.

Now I must get on with my Tuesday.

Blessings to you all.

Dani

Short but Sweet

Kaili (my daughter) came home for Thanksgiving. It was a short visit, but always sweet. She did get to come a night early, but then left a night early.

While she was here we played with the Bearded Dragon, made cookie dough which we never got to bake together. Kaili took naps with and without her little brother.

She went shopping with me on "Black Friday" and let me tell you that was not very exciting! We didn't go early, we didn't buy much, we didn't stay long, we didn't have much money! LOL

Thanksgiving day of course there was cooking, setting the table, and eating. Then clean up.

 Or did we nap first?

 cAn't even remember now.

On Saturday Kaili went out with her boyfriend and learned the basics of snowboarding. She has been wanting to do this for years. She said it was fun...she loves loves loves it. Hmmm....Guess I got her the wrong thing for Christmas. oooops;....sorry Kaili! Then she came home, packed, and left! So so sad however, my Littleman so wise in his youth....gently reminded me she would be back soon, for Christmas so I shouldn't be sad.

Mmmmm... gotta love my kids. I DO!

So Grateful for them.

And my husband....

my home,

my family,

my friends,

my saviour,

My Life!

A Great Day for Thanksgiving!!!!!

Happy Thanksgiving to ALL.
What are you thankful for?
Me, well I am thankful for Family far and wide,
kids who love me despite my sometimes lopsided parenting skills,
A Husband who loves me beyond measure!
I am also thankful for my Heavenly Father who loves me know matter what,
And a Saviour who attoned for my sins...thank goodness cus I have many!
I am thankful for the love they have for me and the ability to help me heal my body.
I am thankful for a new day every 24 hours in which to redeem myself and have more time to play with my wonderfully fun son.
I am thankful for Johns career and the insurance that helps us pay the bills.
I am thankful for my home which keeps us warm, safe, and dry.
I am thankful for all this and more.
What are you thankful for?

Again, Happy Thanksgiving to all.
Love and blessings,
Dani

Time Well Spent

Uh...I wasn't quite ready....

Someone got a haircut!

And he thinks it's scary?....tough?...too cool?...

But I think he's happy with it.

 Oh sooooo handsome! He was so cute while at the hairdressers. He wouldn't stop talking to the young woman cutting his hair. He introduced himself first as Ironman, then proceeded to explain to her how he wanted his hair....like Tony Stark, and about his siblings, and he commented on her hair. He went on to talk about other things I can't even remember now. I was laughing, and the people in the waiting area who were listening were chuckling themselves. I like his haircut also, but I do already MISS his long hair. IT was "growing" on me. hahaha.

IT was a good Saturday. Before the haircut, we went and saw Megamind the movie. Pretty good. Littleman really liked it. It was good to get out of the house with my family and do something besides errands. Going to the dump or walmart just isn't the bonding experience I enjoy.

Unfortunately the one place we needed to go but didn't make time for was the gym. I haven't been in a while, I NEED to go.

Tomorrow I go for treatment #12. 12? Hmmmm, where has the time gone? Well no matter, I'm going to pray it's been time well spent...I know I have been able to see my mom and dad way more than usual, and that's a good thing. And I spent so much time with my brother this summer, time I would never trade for anything! IT was great.

Now it's time to start getting my body strong again since I have a break coming up and I want to be strong if we have to go round #2 with Chemo.

All in all, the past 8 months has involved much Time Well Spent!!!

Light at the end of the tunnel

Whew! I feel like there is light at the end of the tunnel. In more ways than one.
I have been feeling crappy for the last few days due to a stomach bug. It is finally going away and I feel like I might feel normal soon.

Normal...I use that word loosely.

I am finally feeling better after the last treatment...only to go in for another one on Monday!!! haha, the joke may be on me. I am the one who asked for Monday rather then waiting till Wednesday. Darn..oh well.

As you can see I have changed up my blog page. needed something new and a little different. I love books so I found this page with books on it. I also learned how to make a photo collage (?) for the header.

Well, Littleman is up...it's 10:45 what is up with that? Let's all have a great day.

Blessings and peace with each of us.
Dani

Blustery Business

It's a blustery windy day here at home. A good day to stay home and bake....

Or in my case, do laundry, dishes, and general house cleaning.

Maybe later on in the day I will have time to actually bake something. Not that I need anything I would bake! But it always makes the house smell so delicious. I am into delicious smells. I don't always even eat what I bake...ok well at least not all of it. I usually share, but it brings me joy to bake and I love the smells.

My daughter is coming home for the holidays and we plan on doing some holiday baking together. It makes me feel normal to bake and cook. When I have the energy.

Speaking of energy...I haven't had much the last 6 days so today feels pretty good. Though I will probably crash tonight. I will have to take a nap if Littleman will take quiet time....

I am looking for ways to reduce stress in my life and bring more peace and joy into my day to day routine. I have been reading so many books with similar ideas and some contradictory ones that I have been feeling confused lately. I want to do WHATEVER I can to help my body heal, however, I might draw the line at 100% raw live food intake...I mean really, no sweets?~ I recognize that I am addicted to chocolate and sweets in general. And of course every author thinks THEY are right! So which way to go? Which author to take seriously?

Which method to try?

There are so many tools in the box, I don't even know which one to use first, or which one to pick up.

I guess I do because I am at least reading the books, and then have to make decisions from there. the books are the first tools. But inside them are numerous others.

I know the number one main tool I need to focus on and that is my scriptures! And my faith. When I was in the hospital after my surgery back in April, there was a large picture on the wall in the hallway and it was a surgeon working on his patient with Jesus standing over his shoulder, his hand on the Doctors. The caption read: "The Master Physician" I think...haha, something similar.When I first saw it I just stood there looking at it, wanting to take it home and hang it on my own wall.

He is the ultimate healer! I JUST PRAY that He has in the plan to heal me for a long time.

The Bread....

Before~~





After~~





Mmmmm was it delicious! I shared with the Missionaries, and the nurses at Katmai Oncology Infusion.
Here is My John and Damon chillin at said infusion center....





The last few days have been fun and exhausting at the same time. Company, treatment, baking, frosting, playing outside...cooking, dishes, playing, etc...




Filled with Distractions which is exactly what I have been looking for.


This looks like pure 100% chocolate JOY!!!! He is in heaven.




My Littleman, the Baker~





The Animaly Biologist~






The outdoor Enthusiast~









The Athlete~





And here is my mom, so graciously coming to our home to help out every other week...when I feel weak. hahaha...we roped her into frosting cookies.





My friend, and Sister by choice...Anna with me and her younger Daughter. We had fun baking, frosting, and licking frosting.





More Help!~~ and fun.






It's been a good week overall. We even squeezed in time to watch a couple movies. Today I was tired but had an opportunity for a very nice nap. Now I feel good. But so looking forward to a BREAK from chemo. My body is starting to get weary and the side effects are building up. The Doctor said I may start my break one cycle early. Which would mean no treatment the week of Christmas...hey I might not fight her on that. Nice would that be, to just kick back and actually feel good on Christmas? I might even be able to tolerate a little ice cream with the pie, or apple crisp we will have! mmmmm, now I really should stop talking about all the yummy's.

Gotta go read to my Littleman!

Goodnight, and Blessings to each one of you!
Dani

Winter fun

So, The other day I posted my goals for the day. I did all of them except to make blueberry muffins.

Today I am on to new goals.

One of my BFF's and "sister by choice", Anna, came out last night with her two daughters. They spent the night and today we are going to make Christmas cookies, play games, maybe ride the 4-wheeler around outside. And whatever else we are up to, as less if we aren't.

So, I will definitely be posting pics later. Stay tuned as time passes. And it will. As it does every day. Pass, Pass, Pass, way to fast fast fast.

Love,

Dani

Goals

Today I have many things I want to accomplish.

Bake Bread....
Bake Blueberry muffins....
Make cookie dough for doing Christmas cookies on Thursday...
Laundry...at least one load...
Play with Littleman...
Exercise....
Drink lots of water....
Eat Healthy....

Is this too much to ask for just one day?

Bread dough is already rising,
I already exercised,
I have had some water so far....
Update later, maybe pics too of yummy foods.
Gotta get these things done as I have treatment tomorrow!

Dani

Kissing Wars

Mmmmm, I love getting kissed by Littleman. Especially gentle kisses. I'm talking about this now because he just got done kissing me all over the face.
He was feeling especially tender and loving I guess. Heres' how we came to this moment.........



This morning we ran errands, going to the dump being one of them. Littleman loves going to the dump because Mommy lets him help throw things over the edge. And I lift him into the back of the truck to reach things I can't without myself getting up there. It's a good thing I went to the dump today and not My John. There were a few things I found that were not meant for the dump. Good Save.

After lunch, a fraction of which Littleman ate, we bundled up and went outside to play. Well, let me rephrase that, I scooped poop and Littleman played. He assertively pushed his dumptruck around and dropped off ice chunks from it here and there around the yard. At one point he dumped some into the ditch in front of our home and later went to retrieve them, talking to them saying, "I found your Dad, but he's frozen in there!" Then more jibberish I didn't catch. I burst out laughing. Littleman is famous for having conversations with his toys, or whatever he is playing with, like ice!

We came in, relaxed, and then I have been preparing things for dinner and cleaning the kitchen when Littleman stated he was hungry. He was demanding ice cream, to which I replied, "we aren't having ice cream until after dinner so if you want to eat, it has to be this apple." He started eating and I was looking through his "FRIEND" magazine for a message for tonights family home evening. I came across an article on how to be more like Jesus. I asked Damon...uh Littleman how he could be more like Jesus, he started talking about how he was going to be Jesus for the next Halloween. He proceeded to try and describe what he would wear. I listened then asked again, how can ACT more like Jesus? What things can you do to act in ways he would act?

He cocked his head, rolled his eyes as if thinking intently, and said, "I can be good, and nice."
Perfect!!!! That's what I was looking for. That is when I approached him to hug him with hugs and kisses, to which he responded with fervant kisses for me, all over my face and a huge, sweet, loving, wonderful HUG! I love and live for these tender moments between me and my and son!

I was reading the blog, "NieNieDialogues" earlier and she wrote about how she is having a hard time with her kids getting older and she doesn't ever want her sons to grow up. I can SO relate. I always felt that way while raising Kaili, and now I feel the same with Littleman. Even more so now...but I also have a strong desire and determination to survive and be thriving into his adult yrs. At the VERY LEAST until he serves a mission and comes home from that.

Mmmmmm.....lovin' the moments!

Here is a scripture I happened upon during Church on Sunday....


"And he said unto me: Because of thy faith in Christ, whom thou hast never before heard nor seen. And many years pass away before he shall manifest himself in the flesh; wherefore, go to , thy faith hath made thee whole."
Enos 1:8 Book of Mormon

My Faith can make ME whole!!!!

Read it again and replace thou and thee and thy with yourself...My, me, I...however it works. lol
Blessings to each and everyone of you...my readers.
Dani

We made it

That tiny Bearded Dragon made it through the night. I was sooo worried he would get too cold. But I guess they tolerate cooler temps at night. When morning came he let me know when he was ready for the basking light! So cute.

He took only about 1 minute to devour three baby crickets for his meal this morning. Damon observed and laughed, stating out loud how neat that was to watch him eat those "bugs".

Today was a good day. We made a trip to the dump, then to the Salvation Army to drop off a bunch of stuff. We are trying to get the garage cleaned out and organized so we can finish unpacking, and of course feel like we are organized. Tomorrow is a community food drive, so I have a box packed for that.

On the way through the parking lot at Home Depot, Littleman decided he could run all alone without holding hands. He made it about two feet, and fell on both knees and hands. There was gravel covering every square inch and he slid forward like he was sliding into home plate. Then he stood and immediately started screaming and shaking his leg. Dad picked him up and thats when we noticed his palm. He then screamed louder till my ears were on fire. He pressed his hand onto my sweatshirt, leaving a splotch of bright red blood for me to worry about later.
We happened to have some medical tape in the truck along with a napkin (a clean one) and I proceeded to wrap his little palm up and help him to feel better.

By the time we reached the next stop, he was telling me, "mom I am going to need a walking stick." In the mean time, he found a bench, sat on it and stated, "I have to rest, I am too tired to keep walking."

Needless to say he did keep walking after a 5 second rest...
Since that time, he has yet to let me touch his hand. I gently remind him I have to change the bandage before bed, to which he answers, "no, we aren't changing it."

Well, I won't be fighting with him about it tonight. I am drained. I think tonight calls for Ambien!!! Awh, the efficiency with which Ambien does it's job on my body is lovely.
So, I am off to take that, and hit the soft, relaxing comfort of my bed.
Blessings to all of you!
Dani

Here's how it works~~~

So, let's get down and dirty. I have been reading the "Complete Guide to Colorectal Cancer" by the American Cancer Society.

I have a hard time with this book. It is equal parts encouraging and discouraging.

There are typically IV stages to cancer....however keep in mind that stage II has A and B, and stage III has A, B, and C. IV has only IV. Like me, myself and I. DARN IT anyway. People in stage IV statistically speaking have less than 10% survival rate past 5 yrs.

LeSS than 10%, beyond 5 yrs? What the....?????

Then there are variables. Always variables when you talk statistics. I have always hated statistics and only passed that class in graduate school because of the kindness of my professor (thats what I believe anyway).

Variables such as, what age you were diagnosed, what your lifestyle is presently, your attitude, your faith, how you approach your diagnosis and treatment...etc... I could go on and on.

As far as treatment; When I got my diagnosis I had no choice but to have surgery immediately to remove the tumor that was obstructing my colon.

Radiation is not an option in my case as Radiation treatment is very different and not appropriate for tackling my lungs. Chemo was the approach my Doctors took from the start. Here is a quick review of the meds I am taking.

1~ 5-Fluorouracil otherwise known as 5-FU. It is most commonly used to treat colorectal cancer and for decades it was the only one.
In conjuction with the 5-FU I get Leucovorin which is given as part of the 5-FU regimen to boost the effectiveness of it, but is not technically a chemo drug.

2~Oxaliplatin is an alkylating agent, working directly on DNA during all phases of the cell cycle to prevent the cancer cell from reproducing and is also used in conjunction with 5-FU and Leucovorin to treat metastatic colorectal cancer.

3~Bevacizumab, or Avastin, is a monoclonal antibody. Avastin is relatively new and I feel lucky to be able to have insurance cover it. Some insurances only cover it for certain cancers.

None of these chemicals effect hair cells and this is why I have not lost my hair. However, I have more facial hair than I used to...lots of peach fuzz on my jawline...lol

My skin is clear, I have only had mouth sores once, my eyebrows are out of control, and my hair is growing good. Even my fingernails seem to be growing well, and are strong. Some people lose their nails....yuck.

I am not going to give more statistics...I don't think I want to go over it myself again yet let alone bring you down with the numbers. Good news is I am getting all these great drugs together and my body is handling it pretty well considering all the poison, and they attack good cells as well as cancer cells. So it is important I take good care of myself and keep regenerating healthy good cells.

The BEST thing here is FAITH, HOPE, LOVE, and everyones PRAYERS!!!!

And my daily life...speaking of which, here are a few pics of today. Damon has been cuter than ever, sounding like me when he talks. He is stuck on October 31....wearing Ironman costume everywhere! People look and whisper, smile and then glance at me. I don't care if they really do think its cute, or just that I am a strange parent for letting my son still wear his costume! Pretty soon he won't fit into it, and then what will he imagine in his spare time? Let him have his fun! He isn't hurting anyone. I kinda like having Ironman at my disposal.

Our new family member, Atreau. Sounds like A-tray-U. From the Neverending Story. He is tiny, I hope we can keep him alive.

What a difference a Day makes!

It's now Wednesday; so it's been two days since I posted however, it's been one day since day six post treatment.

Days four, five, and six are the worst.

Today, day seven, is MUCH better. I had more energy, and my muscles did not ache so much. My teeth even get sore and they felt better!!!

Despite feeling better I didn't get out to play with Damon until Darkness was falling.

He was shoveling the yard, then pulled a cooler around, to move the snow he says. AFter that he rode his bike around...didn't get a pic of that.

So that was his dose of outdoors today. It was cold and WinDy out. I stayed on the porch until my face was numb and tingling at which point I demanded we go in and try again tomorrow.

During the day though, we took a very nice quiet time, Ran a few errands, did some laundry, and, don't laugh,
listened



to



Christmas



Music!!!!

Yes, you read that right, I listened to Christmas music today. I just wasn't in the mood for anything else. Only two CD's of it then I switched. I think I got my fix until Thanksgiving.

We'll see.


I am trying to incorporate music back into my everyday doings. I lOvE music but in the past few years haven't spent a lot of time listening for my own enjoyment. I use it at the gym, but that's about it. So, my new daily goal, to listen to at least two CD's of great music. I am also reading again. Of course I am reading Cancer books mostly, but at least I am reading.


Speaking of reading, this is something I came across today in a book..."Finding the 'CAN' in Cancer". It was talking about FEAR. Breaking it down to help one deal with it.

F-Face it

E-Examine it

A-Ask for help

R-Release it

I like that! The Chapter that talks about Fear is the same one which discusses Hearing the news and dealing with it. There are stages of phases one might go through...they are very similar to those that one goes through when dealing with a death...Shock, Denial, Fear, Why Me, Isolation/loneliness, Worry, Anger, Depression, and then the question, What now????

I find myself going through these in waves, not all at once and not all the time every day. But maybe one day I feel fear. Then I won't for a long time again, but will feel Anger, or worry.

Worry is probably the biggest one for me. Suprising I know! Before my diagnosis, I NEVER worried about anything.

nope,

not a thing!

hahahaha, if you believe that, STOP reading now and go back to facebook. lol

Of course I worry, so do all of us. But my worries are so different now. What I have going for me is my FAITH. I was speaking to a dear friend earlier, she is not of my faith, yet can recognize that my faith and my church family/network has been a "Godsend" for me. She understands how important my faith is to me. I am so Blessed. She has always seen things before I realized it myself. Of course I realize my Faith is important, just recently coming to really strengthen it though. I have Faith in my Saviours ability to heal me, to help me, to strengthen me, to uplift me, to give me peace, and to help me endure to the end...whenever it shall be. I do have faith and a certain determination to be around to raise my son, to see him serve a mission and become an adult.


That is my primary FEAR, that something will go wrong in my recovery and I won't be here to raise Littleman!!! But my attitude along with my faith, determination, and strength will give me the power to stick around. And of course, YOUR prayers!

Now let me not leave you with such a sad ending.

Today was a good day. Tomorrow will be better. And each day like that until next week when I start again! ugh. Four more treatments until i have another CT scan. I CAN do it. I CAN get through. I CAN tackle the side effects and still take care of my son, my husband, and my home. I CAN and I WILL. I may enlist a bit of help here and there, but that's OK.

Blessings to ALL of you! Thank you AGAIN and everyday for your happy, positive thoughts, and prayers.

Dani

Oh Monday, Monday...Why do I dislike you so?

Monday, day 5 of treatment!

Not a good day. Morning was ok...I drove into town with my mom and we shopped at Sam's club for a few things, got her packed up, met up with John and took mom to the airport. That was all good. It's my body that was not good. Fatigue in my muscles, tummy ache, neuropathy in my fingers and feet. By the time I took John back to work, I was exhausted and decided to drive home rather than finish my shopping.

Shopping is overrated anyway isn't it? Like, who needs fresh milk in the house?

Who needs bread, produce, or similar things?

I don't even have a snowsuit for my son yet and we have snow. So I can't really justify buying milk and bread when my son can't even go sledding until he gets his snowsuit.

So, the milk and other staples will wait. I must rest my weary body. Can I get Littleman to cooperate by watching a movie or something quietly for a while? I drive home, take the dogs pottie, and put in "The Neverending Story" for Littleman.

He actually watches it for a while so I can relax on the couch. Then we have to drive to pick up My John from the park and ride area. On the way home I tell My John I need an hour or two to myself. I want a HOT bath, and to crawl into my bed for awhile. He totally agrees and takes right over like the fabulous husband I know him to be.
He really is amazing! Sometimes I have to really be a woman and tell him exactly what I want...not expecting him to read my mind, but when I do...the results are wonderful.

I am so grateful today for my family, my mobility (even though it's tiring), my general health, my friends, my Husband, and my son.!!!! I am grateful for My Saviour and his miraculous love! I am grateful for new days, sunshine, snow, a warm home, and the hope of spring!!!
yes, I am already thinking of spring...second only to Thanksgiving! hahaha

Blessings to all!
Dani

Happy Halloween

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Ironman didn't feel much like wearing his helmet. He would rather wear googly eyes.

But he still made a handsome Ironman!!! And a strong one. wooo hooo
I was feeling okay this day, tired, and my muscles hurt, but otherwise I felt good. Littleman had a lot of fun at the halloween carnival that was held at Raven Hall on the fair grounds. He played games and collected candy.

We stayed until it was just too crowded to get a breath. We didn't have trick or treaters Saturday night, but Sunday night we had a lot.

Just before dark the small kids came out with their parents, toddlers in tow, babies in cow costumes, older siblings helping younger ones. The doorbell would ring, we would sit back down, the doorbell would ring again. John took Damon out to a few houses...they didn't last but 30 minutes. It was cold and windy out. The wind is what was the stopper.

After dark, the big kids started ringing the bell and I started letting Damon...Littleman hand out candy. He was making the big kids real happy...handing out handfuls at a time.

Finally about 9pm we ran out of candy, turned off the lights and watched a movie. Time to relax...I needed that. One more year down! Littleman is already planning for next years costume. Hmmm....wonder what we will be. I mean what he will be.

I was thinking the Tinman, Scarecrow, and the lion from Wizard of Oz. ?? lol

It doesn't really matter to me, I am already thinking about Thanksgiving. My FAVORITE holiday of the year.

Time to plan my menu and recipes. I will be on day 4 or 5 of treatment so may not be feeling too great, but I am going to make the best of it.

It will be good to have family and friends in my home.
Blessings to all of you!!!!!
Dani

All in a Days Work, right?

Such Hard work....mmm hmmm right!

M


The Two Guys I live with! What an adventure.


And all in a days play..........learning how to play "sorry".



Taking my kitchen accessories to a new level.

Such a poser.

I just wanted to share a few pictures with all of you before writing.

We have been having fun in our new home, our new neighborhood, our new town. John of course loves his toys, and the dogs love to play too. As far as Damon and my kitchen accessories or utensils, he doesn't need toys...he can turn anything in my kitchen or house for that matter into a gun, plane, car, boat, a rocketship, or whatever tickles his imagination at the moment.

We spent one day bumming around and went to Lowes, so I took Damons picture next to this wonderfully scary witch. He had a hard time leaving her. He was fascinated.

I just went Thursday for infusion #10. 10, what? where did the time go? Not that time always flies when I'm going through infusions and the 5 days afterwards, but for real? I have 4 more and then the next CT scan, then discuss a BREAK.

A BREAK.... just what I need. And not a week too soon. It will be nice to feel "normal" for a few months.

Let me break it down for my own sake, I'm pleading "chemo brain"..LOL

Diagnosis: April 22, 2010
Surgery: April 26, 2010
PET scan: May 13, 2010
Lung Biopsy: June 2, 2010
Chemo begins: June 17, 2010: after teaching appt with FNP Kim.
one,
two,
three,
four,
five,
six,
seven,(up through this one I was having to travel from Kodiak each and every time! spending 4 days away from home and John, Damon, and Kaili.)
eight,
nine,
ten.
And somewhere in there, a delay of treatment by one week due to blod clots and low white blood cell count due to a bad virus I had.
WHEW..............what a journey so far.

Everytime I see Doctor Anderson, or Nurse Beth, they comment on how well my body is handling this. With the exception of when I had the virus, my blood counts, and my levels look GREAT! My blood pressure is always within a normal, healthy range which is wonderful considering the fact Avastin, one of my meds is notorious for raising blood pressure. Now if I could just lose weight. I know the nutritionist said not to, but I need to. Not a ton at first, but enough to make me feel better and move better, and have a better outlook. I have gained weight in the last 3-4 weeks and Nurse Beth says it may be due to one of my anti nausea meds I am taking which is a steriod, but I don't take it often, and not much.
Either way, one thing that I am doing is working out again. It will take a few weeks to kick in since I have been more sedentary lately because our bodies usually rebel when we start an exercise routine.
Wow, I always get off topic. My dad is probably lauging now...he knows just how true this is, and he gives me a hard time about it, or just about rambling in general. hahahaha
I am guilty as charged!!!

Time for bed, soo soo tired. Tomorrow is Saturday and for that I am grateful.
And I am grateful to my Heavenly Father for blessing my in so many ways, good health (despite cancer), is that an oximoron? but really, good blood pressure, good blood counts, and levels, and relatively minimal side effects.
I am also very grateful for each one of you and your prayers!
Love,
Dani

Wishful Thinking...

I've been thinking a lot!!!

About time, events, past, present, future, going back, do overs, second chances, FAITH, HOPE, LOVE, mending, healing, and many other things.

Let's look for instance at this:

Or this:




Pictures of my before I knew I had Cancer. I was most likely sick with it then, in these pictures, but didn't have a CLUE. Not one bit of reason to worry.

I wish......

WEll, I wish I could go back to even before then and heal myself. Why should I have to go through this to heal myself? Why couldn't I just have been healthy then, and stayed that way? WHY???????????????????????

We don't really ever get to go back and do things over. Not big things like this. We can plead, and beg with God, but it's not in the cards. There is a reason, or many that we go through what we go through. And reasons why some of us have harder trials than others, or more complicated ones. All of our trials are significant, don't get me wrong..I'm not trying to trivialize anyones trials and challenges.

But, keeping it real...some are just more life threatening than others. For REAL.

I want a do over! I want to go back not to before April 22nd, but to the year 2006 or 2007 when I most likely started growing cancer cells in my body. What the heck, how about 2005 just be safe? nope, no can do!!! So what do I do? I make do. I move on, forward, keep going. Fighting every day! I want a clean bill of health in the next year. And then I want to treat my body better starting now and through the years.

I always get the same feelings for others who have passed on....mostly when it's due to self inflicted means....I think, God, they made a mistake, they weren't thinking clearly, they would like a do over. HAHAHAHA well that's impossible. We might get do overs in relationships, as parents, with friends, with car insurance companies, in learning, but not with life itself. We get ONE (1) life!

When this all started for me I was given all kinds of advice on diet and lifestyle. I laughed most of it off. Now I have been reading a lot about macrobiotics and the miracles it apparently has worked for some people who follow it. I am not in one pasture or the other, but on the fence still. I would love to be able to what it takes to get that clean bill of health, but there are some things I just feel I don't want to give up. Chocolate being one of them. However, I could do it in moderation. I am more inclined to listen and research now and take options into consideration. I have not only myself to think of but my siblings and my two children. I want my children to adopt as healthy a lifestyle as possible so they can maybe avoid going where I am, and stay healthy. If that means adopting a certain diet and lifestyle to some degree then I will promote it. I will never be a vegan to 100%, but I do think there is room in my diet to avoid and even exclude certain things like meat, most dairy, and a lot of sugar! I could eat fish, and will likely still have ice cream in my future...but in major moderation.

I want my kids to be able to say they did it right the first time and not feel like I do and wish they could go back....if only feelings.
We all have them I am sure. And I truly wish it was as easy as eating right or exercising daily. But sometimes, things just happen!

They just happen.......

I will leave you with my favorite scripture.

"Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness." Isaiah 41:10

I love it! I love God, I love all of you. thank you for your prayers!
Dani

My Dad visited from Minnesota and I took him to Title Wave books. This while we were waiting for REI to open.

We moved into out new home too.







We took a road trip together....











It was a good visit. With the CT scan results being good and the Doctor visit going well, having a little fun for this visit was crucial. We still have boxes in corners, and stacked in garage, but I feel confident it will all get taken care of in time. Time I presently want to spend with family and friends as much as I can.

I know I haven't even finished blogging about the journey that got me to today, but I will. Right now I feel like blogging in the present.

Before we left Kodiak, while staying in the dinky hotel room with two dogs and a four year old, Damon was terrible. Full of tantrums, and whining, crying, being mean. I hadn't seen him so wild and upset. Then we get to Anchorage and it continued while we are staying with my generous, patient brother. What in the world?!!! I should probably be blogging this on my other blog, journeys in motherhood. But I have been overlooking that blog for the sake of this one. So, parenting goes here today. Wooooow weee. I was almost at a loss as to what to do with this boy. I didn't feel like taking him out in public at all.The best I could think of was let him ride his bike as much as possible and hopefully he would go to bed at a decent hour in a decent manner.

Through all this, we were trying to close on our home, I was going to get infused, and John and I were trying to stay in communication with one another. Not an easy task when there are tantrum throughing four yr old around and handheld electronics ALWAYS within reach. I was beginning to hate, yes HATE Iphone, Ipad, Itouch...grrrr.
(not to worry I am better today).

I know right now Hate in my heart is not a good thing. I have to carry love love love.

So, we moved into the house finally and DAmon seemed to changed instantly. I just thought of this the other day. I was telling my mom and dad how he is a different boy since We moved in and he has his toys back, his new room, a nice yard, new friends at church.

We are currently talking paint samples to decorate his room. He wants a Coast Guard C-130 room. So I will paint some red, with a blue stripe and print out pictures a friend took, to frame and hang on walls. then I have to figure out what to do about bed sheets and blankets....hmmm maybe just stick to white sheets, blue sheets and a red comforter.

Well, I am just glad that he is doing better, because that means I am doing better.

Dad came, like I said, and Mom came to town and we all went to my doctor appt to find out what the visiting specialist had to say. The lesions are shrinking and Doctor Anderson seemed to be in a positive mood, feeling optimistic. The other Doc suggested CT scans every three months, and Dr. Anderson agreed. He hinted at the small possibility of the lesions disappearing altogether.....prayers needed here.

He also said that surgically removing any left would be counterintuitive..so that won't happen. Again...prayers needed here. They are working so why not keep them coming. I so appreciate any and all prayers, and please know that I return them, and keep you all in mine.

At this point the plan is to continue treatment until early January at which time I
will have another CT scan. Then Doctor Anderson and I will discuss the possibility (necessity) of taking a break. Either from one of the meds, or even quite possibly from all of them for several months. One of them is more toxic than the others so I would definitely need a break from that one for sure, or the time would come when I would be more sick from that med, than from the cancer itself.

Something I have been researching is Macrobiotics....does anyone have any suggestions or interesting info on this diet/way of life.???? I have read many uplifting stories in the book I am reading, but have much more research to do. I have already given up most dairy, meat, and trying my darndest to cut back on sugar. Thats a tough one. I need to know more about getting good whole cereal grains in my daily diet. The book unfortunately said oatmeal doesn't count,,,,darn cus I love oatmeal. I need to know what "misso" is. or Miso soup???? help.......

Well, Blessings to each and everyone of you!!!! Thank you for ALL your positive thoughts, prayers, and kind words. Keep them coming while I continue to kick butt.

love, Dani