One of each treatment left. Four nights on a bed that isn't mine. Four and a half days until I see my Littleman, my Kaili girl, and my mom. Will have to wait another week to see my John. I am so grateful for the time I have had here. I am grateful for the treatments that are available to me here. I am grateful that I have a loving Heavenly Father who has been with me through this whole time and is always with me. I am grateful for a family, and friends who support my decision to persue alternative treatments.
For all these things I am grateful for, I still feel torn. I sometimes feel lost. Like I mentioned in my last post, I feel like a prisoner who got life without parole.
Another way I can explain it is a sense of feeling torn. Torn between picking up and chugging forward like a train on the tracks, oblivious to the landscape being left behind. Pretending that life is normal and just living with what I have been given....which I KNOW we all make a choice to do or not do...live with what we have been given. I won't ever "forget" I have cancer, but should I move forward like I have my whole life ahead of me?
OR, should I just accept that I am very sick, chemo isn't working, my cancer is progressing and presume that God's will is for me to let go? Let nature take it's course? It would be so much easier of God could just tell me what His will for me is, so I can plan accordingly! lol I know that isn't how it works, but I can wish.
Here is where the title comes in, am I making any sense at all? Or not? It makes sense to me. I always feel so clear about the feelings and thoughts that run through my mind and heart, but when I go to put them on the blog they sometimes don't come out the same.
In the end I know I didn't come all the way here to come and and give up. I acknowledge that there are many people out there praying for me and my family.
I just get scared sometimes because I know how fast things can go downhill. In the last year, three people I know and cared about, died from their cancer. I fear getting sick with something else that could drag me down, something I would have trouble coming back from.
So in the end, I will come home, do my best to keep a positive attitude, keep moving forward, and continue to do what I can to fight this. I will continue making memories with my family, and for my son.
In the mean time, I appreciate your constant prayers and positive thoughts.