Here I go

Well, I head out Sunday for Texas. I have an appointment at MD Anderson on Monday the 30th. My brother Jeremy will be accompanying me. We will drive from Austin to Houston for a 12 noon appt to register. Meet with my Doctor at 1, bloodwork at 2, and a CT scan at 8pm that night. We haven't yet discussed whether we will drive back that night or not, though I am sure we will. That's a long day for anyone, but it looms longer for me given the changes in my diet. I won't be able to juice that day, hopefully I will be able to find a Jamba Juice!
During my visit with the Doc we will schedule a follow up for later that same week. I leave to come back home on Friday night and on Sunday, we leave as a family for vacation....to Texas. lol
Just can't get enough sun.
I am excited and nervous.
It's been a long time since my last scan when things were growing. I am nervous to find out what's been happening. My biggest fear is that it will have spread. That's what we have been trying so hard to avoid!
I am trying to focus on getting sun, seeing my brother, sister-in-law, and nephew.
I am excited to find out if MD Anderson has some options for me that will be supremely more benificial that what I have been getting here.
Going away is so much hard work.
There is laundry,
Packing,
Organizing home,
Planning meals for those staying behind,
Making sure dogs are taken care of,
bills to pay up on,
getting time with everyone before I go.
There is more I am sure I am leaving out.
Needless to say it's a busy week for me.
So I am off to ride bike with Damon and AVa before coming back to tackle more household chores.
I will do my best to keep writing and keep you up to date as to what is going on in Texas, besides the obvious....."the sun is shining and I am swimming"
lol

not lovin' life...just saying

See? I just tried publishing this without even writing anything!!!! Any other day that might be funny. Tonight? not so much.
Nothing is really funny, and as the evening wears on, I'm less and less amused.
I'm more and more scared.
I'm less and less interested.
I'm more and more determined.
I'm less and less confident.
I'm more and more sad.
I'm less and less happy.
I'm more and more sure.
I'm less heard.
I'm more annoyed.
I'm am just plain disheartened.
I used to have dreams. I used to have wishes. I used to be independent. I used to be active and healthy. I used to....
used to...
used to....

I need to get to;
I am,
I do,
I will,
I can,
I am sure!

Down and out

Down and out....It's how I feel today. Or at least, Down and almost out. I am not so out that I didn't do anything, but wishing I was out so I didn't have to do anything. Making any sense  yet?
Sorry.
I have submitted my records to MD Anderson and am still waiting to hear from them with an appointment date and time for me. It seems there have been delays at every level lately. Honestly, is patience really a virtue I need to be learning right now? Is this really the best time for this? I really think we could take this lesson and insert it somewhere else in my life at another time...like when I am dealing with my son, or my husband, or my dogs, but while waiting for an appointment to talk to a Doctor about my Cancer and what options might be out there to SAVE my life...? Really? This is when I need to be learning about patience? I completely disagree.
(and now this will be when I have to wait even longer because of what I just said.)....lol
But really, I think there is a better lesson to be learned here. Like good eating habits. Saying my prayers more consistently. Serving others more often. Exercising more faithfully. Appreciating hair only 1/4 of an inch long. You understand what I am getting at right?? Thank you!!!
I mean, I am only talking about my life. No big deal. Only it IS a big deal.
In the meantime, I also feel down, not just out. Like, I am just waiting for this appt and everything else in my life is just hanging out. There aren't any dreams being pursued, there is no one (or more) thing(s) I have to get done each day. I have nowhere to go at night. No dates. No girls nights out. No family business to run. I raise Damon and Play with Ava, and those are BIG things, I know that. but some might get what I mean when I say I feel like my life has no purpose right now. I'm just waiting around on this cancer. I know that's the wrong thing, but I don't know how to motivate to do anything else right now. I used to be such a go getter.
So, before I get you all down too...I will stop.
thank you for being the faithful readers you are. I appreciate that.
Love,
Danielle