Me and My Family

Me and My Family

10 July, 2013

got a better one?

I couldn't think of a good title for this post. I had one all picked out, then by the time I got to writing this, 2:57a.m. on a wednesday morning, that title no longer applied.
So, I don't have a title, got a better one?

I have gone through so much since writing last. I had scans, bloodwork, doctor visits, travels, great weather, storms, emotional highs, and lows.
I have been busy and too emotional upset to write.
Now at 3 a.m. I find myself wide awake, not feeling really well, and thought I would take this opportunity to write something down,( if my computer battery will last. )
As you all know I went to Hallelujah Acres back in February. I had come away from there with a great jump start, what I needed. I was on my way to eating and living a green, plant based diet. I came home with high aspirations. I started trying my recipes on the family. John loved it all. I got used to drinking juice most of the time. It actually made things easier in the kitchen once I was all set up for it.
I was feeling great.
I was looking great, according to you, others and pictures.
When I finally returned to the doctor, a new one much closer to home, and had scans and bloodwork done, I got some rattling news.
My bloodwork had continued to double and scans showed not only growth, but that the disease has spread to other areas of my body. I was crushed!!! John was crushed!!!! I had to make some fast decisions all while letting family know, and trying to deal with this news emotionally, as well as not upset my son too much.
I was frustrated, why had eating healthy not been working for me? I mean it was working....I was feeling better than I had in months, I lost 25 lbs, my complexion was great, I was full of energy. Then again, it wasn't working. Not in the way I wanted it to most. Not in the life changing, miraculous way I had heard it has for so many others. Not in the way I needed it to for my son. My husband. My daughter, my mother, father, brothers....oh man!
Now at a crossroads.
Do I refuse treatment because I know it's poison....
Do I take treatment when I know it's poison.....
Do I keep eating healthy and take treatment and hope they can work together?
Do I keep eating healthy and refuse treatment and watch my CEA's continue to double, and my disease spread until I have nothing left?
Do I try treatment again and hope to keep the disease slowed, or at bay so I could have more time with my boy and rest of my family?
SO torn.
SO upset.
SO sad.
SO mad.
SO confused.
SO ashamed.
SO unhappy.
SO SO SO............ just SO everything.
Maybe for me the healthy diet is for keeping my immune system healthy while I battle this with treatment? I don't know. I will never really know. All I know right now is I didn't get the response I wanted and expected and I don't really have 6 more months to experiment. If I wait that long, it could end up in my liver, or other organs. Then I will really be in the porta potty.
We, none of us, will ever know in this lifetime what the plan is for us. We can make guesses, we can speculate, but we don't really know. For me at this point, it's 50/50 either way I go. I am scared of either. It wasn't an easy decision. Maybe you are reading this and thinking, oh yes that's easy.....don't poison yourself, or absolutely you should do treatment. But it wasn't so black and white. I have a 7 yr old son (in one day), who needs me a bit longer. I have a daughter in training....to be a "sister-mamma".
I have a husband who still needs to be reminded that we don't always get control, and parents and siblings I am not finished spending time with, whom i love to death.
I know that Heavenly FAther has a plan for me and you, for everyone, but we don't know it in this life. I know that Heavenly Father loves ME. I know that Heavenly Father is mindful of my prayers and needs. I know that Heavenly Father is doing what he needs to do. When I get called to the other side it's because the work to be done is far greater there than here and I am needed. How can I not feel good about that? Except I don't want to be needed yet. I (as a humble woman) believe I couldn't possibly be needed more than I am needed at home with my family. hahaha...What I am trying to say is that I have FAITH. Please don't think this makes any of this easier for me, but I do draw a certain comfort in knowing that I am taken care of. I pray that for each of you, you can find your faith, your comfort, in your way.
So, back to my whole story....
I got this news and my daughter decided to come home. I flew to Texas and she and I had a fun road trip back to Alaska. She is now home again to work and help around home, and spend as much time with us as possible. Yay me!!!! Yay Damon!!!!
Yay Kaili.....right? hahaha
My mom is also living with us presently as she faces a few of her own challenges and we are so so grateful for all of her help!!!
I did my first treatment (again), last wednesday and it went ok. never great. but ok. lol
My littleman turns 7 on Thursday the 11th. woo hoo. We will celebrate with a small family gathering. Maybe surprise him with a party later. He keeps saying he doesn't want a party.
This weekend he graduates to "high orange" belt in Tang Soo Do. So very proud of him and his hard work, and commitment to that.
I better try to sleep now.
love you all. forgive my emotional time out from writing. I had to get myself together, then take a road trip, and get my "house" back in order before I could write all that.
Blessings.
Danielle

8 comments:

  1. Dani, you have absolutely NOTHING to be ashamed about. You are simply doing the best with what you have and living life to the fullest. you are such a vibrant and brave woman. And me? I'm just super proud to be your father. Keep the faith!! Love you.

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  2. :) I wish i knew how to make one of those little hearts on this, thank you for sharing. Hopefully someday you'll know how many people you have helped in just doing that.

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  3. Danielle, my little sister, I read this when I woke up this morning and realized that because of the 3 hour time difference, you had probably just posted it. My suggestion for the title of your post is "Torn". I want you to know that we think about you and your family every day and we are all praying for you constantly. I also am approached by people from our church and community on a regular basis who let me know that even though they don't know you, they are praying for you. I am so glad that you had a great road trip with Kaili. I'm not sure what else to say except I love you. I want to give you a great big hug. Also, please wish Damon a very Happy Birthday tomorrow from all of us here in Iowa. Love you, Dan Jr.

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  4. Wow, that was a hard one to read. It doesn't matter what I think on the matter, but I'll tell you anyway. I think you've chosen the right path for treatment. I think Hallelujah Acres was the right path (and you really COULD see it, clearly), and I think that now chemo is the next right step. Your diet probably healed your body to be able to stand chemo again.
    I love you Dani.
    And HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Damnon!

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  5. I def didn't make it through that one without crying.
    I have so much to say but can never find the words to express my feelings to you :( I hope that you know how much I love you & how I would give anything to take your pain & suffering away! I am truly blessed to have you in my life Dani, even after I fell off the face of the earth after you were diagnosed. I as so angry, frustrated, confused, sad, full of hate & did not know how to deal with the news. NO EXCUSE!!! All I could think about was that one of my closest & dearest friends was suffering & there was absolutely noting I could do :( I struggled for a long time with the confusing emotions & started to question the one thing that you had spent so much time fulfilling me with & that was my faith! I could not understand how one of the most amazing, patient, trusting, strong, beautiful, generous, companionate & loving woman I know, was going to have to fight for her life. It was so unfair! I just couldn't understand or make sense of anything. I know you have time of weakness, sadness & anger, I know that unfortunately it comes with the disease. Please know that I AM HERE FOR YOU, no matter what time, ANYTHING you need! I hope that I can show you Dani, how much you truly mean to me & gain your trust & respect back. I hope that you will be able to forgive me, for when you needed me most, I wasn't there :( I know it will be very difficult for me to physically help because of the distance between us, but when you find yourself up late at night, not feeling well or just want to talk, vent, cry, anything, I AM HERE!!! I love you with all my heart & can honestly say, I know because of the person you are, you WILL get through this! You will NOT loose this battle Dani & please know you are not alone! We think about you & are keeping you, John, Kaili, Damon & your entire family in our prayers.
    Please wish Damon a very HAPPY BIRTHDAY from us all & give him a great BUG HUG, wish we were there to celebrate with you.
    No matter what Dani, I want you to know, I love you!
    P.S. Maybe a suitable title for this blog may be, FAITH...
    ~ Jamie

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  6. One of the things I forgot to mention to you the other night that you can do for both you and Damon. Write him letters for futures. what you would want him to know at each milestone of his life. I can hope for you that you would be able to deliver them to him personally but if not imagine what it could do for him
    either way. Just an idea!!! Lorna

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  7. Dani
    I am so sorry! I just checked in on your blog and to say the least this is tough and devastating news. I also hoped for the best, I also don't know what to say besides I love you and wish i was not so far far away and so busy in my life. I have always looked up to you and cherished you as my friend when i didn't have a lot of friends you were always there for me. You hold a special place in my heart and always will. I wish i could do more. Would you let me know if I can do more? I love you and my prayers are with you and I will always cherish what we had and have. All my love
    Teresa Voss (Cornell)

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  8. Hi I'm Heather! Please email me when you get a chance, I have a question about your blog! Heather.vonstjames(at)gmail.com Thanks!!

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