In case you are wondering. (caution: contents may not be as happy as you want)

Caution: The contents of this post may not be as positive as you want.


I got back from Mexico in one piece and am home with my family and friends. A week after I got home, John returned from work on the slope. The week after that we had our fundraiser. I feel so blessed by all the friends, family and even strangers who helped by showing up, helping out, and donating. Everyone who was assigned specific jobs really did great!!!! I definitely was feeling the love for me and my family. We made somewhere between $6,000 and $8,500. Just for that night, not including donations given to go fund me account.
I did have a CT scan two weeks after returning and the results were that there was growth since the last scan. The Doc gave me his little lecture on what his suggestions are, assuring me, that as always I am the boss and if I choose to not go with Chemo it's up to me. We then talked about pain relief. I came home and started a new pain relief medicine and that hit me about a week later with bad stomach pains (constipation)…despite my best efforts to avoid this.
I returned today for a follow up and asked about more options for pain relief, ones that might not have side effects of more pain. He also talked about chemo again..I told him in no uncertain terms that if I tried it again at all it would only be the one that is my last resort. The Irinotecan I will NOT take again.
Ok, we got that settled.
In between all this, my mom spoke with a surgeon on the phone ( a friend of hers who was my stepdad's surgeon for years) and he told her that no one would touch the mass in my abdomen. Abdominal surgery is risky, and with the cancer in so many different places it just did not make sense to try and tackle only that. He also stated it wouldn't buy me any more time, and would probably shorten it. This is basically what my oncologist has said, but we wanted to hear it from the surgeon. Not a good prognosis.
Another thing my doc said today was that if I wasn't going to return for treatment then I should get Hospice on board to manage my pain. This way I wouldn't have to keep returning to the doc's office for bloodwork and checkups. He never gave me a timeline, but I don't need or want him to. I have my own impressions and inclinations.
I have been praying a lot lately to God and I think I am as much at peace as can be expected at this time. Even though I have no doubt it will be hard on my son, he seems to be coming to peace also. At least his prayers reflect that. I know this could change in a heartbeat, and it's a far cry from the actual event. At this point though, I am trying to teach him that we may want this or that, we may pray for this or that, but the bottom line is, it's all in God's hands and we want His will to be done. If that means taking me, then He will find a way for my son and rest of my family to carry on and move forward as time passes.
I have been trying to be as tasteful as possible,, without being too blunt…but the point I am trying to convey here is that, if the 11th hour miracle doesn't come, my belief is that I don't have a lot of time left here on this earth. This all leaves me feeling pressed for time to wrap up my loose ends.
One loose end, maybe not mine, but I have to share if you don't already know….my beautiful, precious, sweet, wonderful, loving, helpful daughter got married!!!!!! She tied that knot right up for me. lol And her husband is a wonderful, sweet, wonderful, loving, and helpful man. They are so happy together. They are so good for each other. I am so happy that she now has Timothy to help hold her up and share his strength with her when she will be needing it most. Not only that, but he will be able to be there for John and Damon as well. I pray the four of them will take turns buoying each other as the need arises.
Well, I have rambled long enough. Since I have always been so honest in my posts I felt it only fair to continue that honesty, even though it hurts and you may not want to read it. I love you all!!!!
Danielle