I'm not gonna lie. It happens every time. The feeling of Dread. I can't seem to stop it.
It happens every time I am about a month out from my next CT scan. I start feeling full of dread and skepticism. I start having all these thoughts about what my families life will be when I am not in it. How will my son turn out? How sad will he be, how LONG will he be sad.
Not that I want him to be sad for long, but hey....I ...well let's just say I don't want to go anywhere. I need to raise him.
So how do I get past these feelings every "cycle"? I'm not sure. Staying busy, active, eating healthy, walking, distracting myself. I noticed the feelings setting in yesterday. Maybe it had more to do with the cloudy skies and rain than the fact that another CT scan is coming up on July 11th. I might never figure it out. For the most part I do well, and I feel good. All late side effects from Chemo are gone with the exception of neuropathy in my fingers and feet.
My new style of eating is going pretty well. There are moments that are still hard. Birthdays come and I take a sliver of this and a sliver of that. But day to day I do well. I just keep praying that what I am doing with my diet can work like it has for others. I pray I am doing the right thing and doing it well enough to make a difference.
I Of course two scans ago I had good reason to feel the "dread". Just when we thought the nodules were gone, they were back. Then they showed minimal growth. Now I am praying for no more growth, or even (dare I say it?) shrinkage....
Prayer! Faith! Love! Hope! Family! Friends!