Hard 2 Love Hard 2 Love.....

Who has heard that country song...'Hard 2 Love", by Lee Brice? It's great. It made me think of Chemo though. lol
It's hard 2 love hard 2 love the side effects, but I might like that its' good for me in ONE way. To shrink the lesions on my lungs.
In the mean time, It's hard to love cotton mouth, Hard to love cold sensitivity, Hard to love fatigue, Hard to love carrying around a fanny pack of med's for 46 hours after infusion. Hard to love not being able to drink or eat cold things. Hard to love nausea.
But it's easy to love the hope that it is helping me in the long run. though a person can only take so much of this particular medicine in a lifetime, so eventually there will have to be something else that works for me, or doesn't. Preferably works!!!
I am going to stay as strong as I can, physically in order to keep up with the regimen, and emotionally to keep up with my family, or help keep them up!

Vacation post, post vacation

Saturday, August 18, 2012

Well, it’s been an amazing two weeks! We came down to Austin, Texas to vacation in New Braunfels at the Worldmark resort there. My older brother, Dan, and his family came down to spend a few days with us. During that first few days, my younger brother, Jeremy, and his family (bigger by two all of a sudden) drove to New Braunfels while we were there and spent time with us. It was great to all be together and catch up with the spouses, and all the nieces and nephews. Until now there were only two nieces, Kaili and Jana, now there are three. Kaili, Jana, and Lucy now known to us as Sophie. As for the nephews, there was Alex, Jeffrey, Tyler, Damon and now add to that mix, Justin, now known as Ryder. Unfortunately Kaili was unable to be with us. We got lots of great pictures, and had fun together. We went to Schlitterbahn, swimming at the resort, out to dinner, toured Historic Gruene, Texas, and one night went to Gruene Hall to listen to the music. We went to San Antonio to see the Alamo and do the River Walk….which turned out to be a very hot thing to do that day.

I am in love with Gruene, Texas and Gruene Hall! I could go there several times a week and just listen to the music and practice my two step. 

I am sad for our time here to end. It means saying goodbye to family, goodbye to the sun. It means getting back to reality, the reality that is mine almost constantly these days. I have to return to Chemo. Round 3. I am not looking forward to it. I have to go back on the medication that causes neuropathy. I don’t think the outcome could be good as I still have neuropathy from round 1 which ended almost 2 yrs ago. When I say that though I think I should just shut up and count my blessings that I have a “2 yrs ago” to even talk about. Amen to that. There is a new medicine coming out , hopefully to be approved by the FDA by November. I will be in line to try that one out. Of course it comes with it’s own share of side effects, but some are more tolerable than others.

For now I am savoring the time I just spent in Texas! We spent the last two days at Jeremy and Kristin’s home. It was amazing to see family, the sun, relax, and renew bonds. 

Thawing

                                        My sweet nephew, wanting to drive my rental. The 'stang

                                                 Dessert before lunch. Joe's Crab Shack
                                                                           Kemah, Tx

                                                                 Me and Jeremy
                                                                    Kemah, Tx

                                                        My Texas boyfriend, Phineas

                                                                   Tyler, cooling off

Well, it's been tiring but good to be here for a quick visit and medical appointments. My brother, Jeremy and I drove to Houston twice this week to see the doctor at MD Anderson. The rest of the time I am just relaxing and enjoying with my nephew, brother and sister-in-law, Kristin. It's been real hot here...but that is okay. I realize the heat gets real old to those living here and I am sure it would to me too if i lived here, but I just came to thaw out a bit.
I am definitely thawing...fast.
Right now my Texas boyfriend is laying across my arm and I am having trouble typing, but he is such a cuddler and love.
I leave tomorrow night and return Sunday for a 2 week vacation. We will be in New Bruenfels. I am looking forward to it for numerous reasons, a few of which are that my older brother and his family are coming down from Iowa to share some time with us at the Worldmark resort, and so all three of us and our families will be together for a few days. We plan to hit Schlitterban, the world famous water park, as well as SeaWorld and whatever else we feel inclined to do. There will also be some relaxing and visiting going on. Just what I need!!! And John also!!! Maybe he more than me. I will be returning to treatment when we return to Alaska and he does so much for me anyway, but even more when I am going through Chemo. He needs a chance to warm up and feel the sun on his face and shoulders.
He will!

Here I go

Well, I head out Sunday for Texas. I have an appointment at MD Anderson on Monday the 30th. My brother Jeremy will be accompanying me. We will drive from Austin to Houston for a 12 noon appt to register. Meet with my Doctor at 1, bloodwork at 2, and a CT scan at 8pm that night. We haven't yet discussed whether we will drive back that night or not, though I am sure we will. That's a long day for anyone, but it looms longer for me given the changes in my diet. I won't be able to juice that day, hopefully I will be able to find a Jamba Juice!
During my visit with the Doc we will schedule a follow up for later that same week. I leave to come back home on Friday night and on Sunday, we leave as a family for vacation....to Texas. lol
Just can't get enough sun.
I am excited and nervous.
It's been a long time since my last scan when things were growing. I am nervous to find out what's been happening. My biggest fear is that it will have spread. That's what we have been trying so hard to avoid!
I am trying to focus on getting sun, seeing my brother, sister-in-law, and nephew.
I am excited to find out if MD Anderson has some options for me that will be supremely more benificial that what I have been getting here.
Going away is so much hard work.
There is laundry,
Packing,
Organizing home,
Planning meals for those staying behind,
Making sure dogs are taken care of,
bills to pay up on,
getting time with everyone before I go.
There is more I am sure I am leaving out.
Needless to say it's a busy week for me.
So I am off to ride bike with Damon and AVa before coming back to tackle more household chores.
I will do my best to keep writing and keep you up to date as to what is going on in Texas, besides the obvious....."the sun is shining and I am swimming"
lol

not lovin' life...just saying

See? I just tried publishing this without even writing anything!!!! Any other day that might be funny. Tonight? not so much.
Nothing is really funny, and as the evening wears on, I'm less and less amused.
I'm more and more scared.
I'm less and less interested.
I'm more and more determined.
I'm less and less confident.
I'm more and more sad.
I'm less and less happy.
I'm more and more sure.
I'm less heard.
I'm more annoyed.
I'm am just plain disheartened.
I used to have dreams. I used to have wishes. I used to be independent. I used to be active and healthy. I used to....
used to...
used to....

I need to get to;
I am,
I do,
I will,
I can,
I am sure!

Down and out

Down and out....It's how I feel today. Or at least, Down and almost out. I am not so out that I didn't do anything, but wishing I was out so I didn't have to do anything. Making any sense  yet?
Sorry.
I have submitted my records to MD Anderson and am still waiting to hear from them with an appointment date and time for me. It seems there have been delays at every level lately. Honestly, is patience really a virtue I need to be learning right now? Is this really the best time for this? I really think we could take this lesson and insert it somewhere else in my life at another time...like when I am dealing with my son, or my husband, or my dogs, but while waiting for an appointment to talk to a Doctor about my Cancer and what options might be out there to SAVE my life...? Really? This is when I need to be learning about patience? I completely disagree.
(and now this will be when I have to wait even longer because of what I just said.)....lol
But really, I think there is a better lesson to be learned here. Like good eating habits. Saying my prayers more consistently. Serving others more often. Exercising more faithfully. Appreciating hair only 1/4 of an inch long. You understand what I am getting at right?? Thank you!!!
I mean, I am only talking about my life. No big deal. Only it IS a big deal.
In the meantime, I also feel down, not just out. Like, I am just waiting for this appt and everything else in my life is just hanging out. There aren't any dreams being pursued, there is no one (or more) thing(s) I have to get done each day. I have nowhere to go at night. No dates. No girls nights out. No family business to run. I raise Damon and Play with Ava, and those are BIG things, I know that. but some might get what I mean when I say I feel like my life has no purpose right now. I'm just waiting around on this cancer. I know that's the wrong thing, but I don't know how to motivate to do anything else right now. I used to be such a go getter.
So, before I get you all down too...I will stop.
thank you for being the faithful readers you are. I appreciate that.
Love,
Danielle

going's on...

I keep resolving to do better about blogging and then things interfere and I stop for awhile. So much has happened since I wrote last.
My dad came for a two week visit and it was great seeing him, spending time with him, and doing things together.
I spent days trying to get in contact with my provider at JBER to get my referral for a second opinion rewritten so it could be authorized for me to go to MD Anderson. When I finally spoke with someone, they informed me my provider was out until the following week and no other provider would be able to write the referral. After that call I spoke with John. He got in contact with someone in Kodiak, who got in touch with someone else and they wrote my referral, submitted it to Tricare and within 2 days I had authorization to go to MD Anderson.
After that I gathered all my records that they requested and faxed them down. They are now being reviewed. Once they are finished reviewing my records, they will call me to schedule an appt.
Once the appt. is scheduled, we submit the authorization and appt. date and time for travel. Hopefully the Coast Guard will cover my travel and rental car. that will be  a huge blessing. I also hope that my appt. isn't too far down the road.
We have a trip planned for the beginning of August and I want to be back from my appt. before we go on that trip. If I need to be seen again while I am down there on vacation, then that is ok with me.
I am so looking forward to going there and finding out if there is more that can be done for me. My biggest fear is that they will tell me they can't do anything more than what my doc up here is doing. that will be a huge disappointment and create a great sense of loss for me and my family.
I am armed with questions to ask! While my dad was here we sat down as a family and came up with a list of questions. I am not going to go all the way down there and then forget to ask something important.
In the mean time I have been trying to drink as much juice as I can, and eat salads, and fresh produce. In Alaska it's sometimes difficult.
I am still loving the carrot juice the best. I did find though that if I add pineapple to the green juice it helps a lot with the taste.
I am very proud of my daughter, she started drinking smoothies and even asked me to show her how to make them herself so when I am busy and she wants one, she can make it. This is a GREAT help. Not to mention a great healthy choice for her. good job Kaili!!!!
Juice is next on the list to try. We need an alternative to apples in the juices though as Kaili is allergic to apples.
ideas?.....are welcome.
We had to go back to the vet yesterday with Bode, the 1 yr old german shepherd....turns out he has a bad yeast infection in his ear. mmmm no wonder it hurt so bad.
Well, I hear my little man crying in bed.
thanks for reading.
Dani

Summer is underway

Can you believe we are having thunder and a little lightening for the second day in a row here in Palmer? That rarely happens. It was beautiful this morning all the way until just half an hour ago which would have been 2:45.
Yesterday we took the kayaks to Finger Lakes and had only been there 30 minutes when there was thunder and soon after we left there was lightening. That was a short-lived kayak trip, but at least my Dad got to try it. We will hopefully try again one of these evenings he is here.
Saturday we drove to Talkeetna, a little over an hour north, and walked around, looking in shops, went to lunch, and just being tourists. Damon ended up have a breakdown, so we took that opportunity to leave, without having ice cream. Nobody needed that anyway right? Right! Right, I keep telling myself.
It's been a good visit with my Dad so far. I am already dreading the day he has to leave.
Damon is bugging me to go find his slip-n-slide, I hope we still have it.
Danielle

Mom, Mom, Mom

Who doesn't love to hear that name, Mom!? Right?
It's heartwarming and joyous.
It's a miracle and a blessing.
It's music to the ears.
It's fabulous and fantastic.
It's sweet and soothing.
right?
Well yes of course. Most of the time.
Until every kid in the house (and the husband), is calling it out at the same time, over and over and over. They all want to cut in and interrupt each other. They want to be heard first and forever. They want me to make lunch but then they want me to look at them while they are talking to me. really? Did you want the jelly on the bread or on the counter? I have to watch what I am doing while making P.B. &J. But I can still listen. I think. Though with my name being called out from every corner of the house I get easily distracted, sidetracked, confused, and downright frustrated.
It's impossible to listen to everyone at once and really get a grasp on what they are each saying. At this point I want to banish everyone to their rooms for mandatory QUIET time. You heard me, quiet! time. I have to gather my thoughts, reign in my emotions, and release my frustrations.
This is what it has been like for the last couple of days at my house.
The 51 yr old, "Honey, come see this!"
The 22 yr old, "Moooom, did you hear what I said?"
The 5 yr old, "mom, mom, mom, you need to come outside with my right now."
The 18 month old, "Nani, Nani, up.....down, eat, no more, Bode, Bode. "
Don't get me wrong for a second, I love each one of these wonderful souls who are in my life. It's just so hard to feel like everyone is pulling me in so many directions I don't know which way my head goes on my shoulders anymore. Thank goodness it is on straight tonight. LOL.
The two who are mine are constantly competing, or so it sometimes seems, for who can speak the most words in a minute. Forget typing.
Example: today on the way home from Anchorage, Damon literally talked the whole way home, and it's a 40 minute drive. I just ended up having to laugh and laugh.
What else you gonna do?
Thank you for reading....
FYI I am still waiting to get  the appropriate referral to submit to Tricare for (hopeful) authorization to go to MD Anderson. It's taking way too long. I am ready to give some a big shove!!!!
Love
Dani

Strong, Beautiful, Amazing, to name a few

Hi,
Hope everyone had a great monday. Mine was good. My daughter and I did a walking video, I made lots of bread to share. Some of the recent pictures I had taken were posted on Facebook and people seem to love them.
Some of the things that are being said are that I am;
Amazing
Beautiful
Gorgeous
Strong
Wonderful
All these things I have always wanted to feel and say about myself, but hesitate to. there are times in my life when I might have felt Amazing...maybe about something I did. There are different times in my life I have felt Strong.
I can't say I have ever felt all these things at once and to read what people are saying about my pictures is  heartwarming to hear. It all makes me feel those things...Strong, amazing, beautiful, Wonderful...
It's easy to disregard positive feelings we might have (I might have for myself) for ourselves in the mad rush that is daily life. Dishes, laundry, dog doo, whining kids, dirty floors, demanding dogs, talkative adult children (I love you Kaili), phone calls, exercise, gardens, T.V. shows...it all takes a toll and distracts  (me) from who we are, (I am in those pictures).
By the way...I will post some of said pictures as soon as I get the disc with them on it.
thank you to all of you for reading, for supporting me, for loving me and my family.
Looking forward to  a wonderful, beautiful, amazing week.
Dani

Sometimes things just click!

Wow. I love it when things just click. There are days when it seems all my parenting efforts, whether they be good or bad...are just not working. There are days when I just get so tired of hearing my own voice repeat my son's name over and over and over again. There are days when it's as if the things I try to teach are going straight through a colander with large holes.
Then, all of a sudden there is this ONE day....
This one day when everything seems to CLICK. Like everything I have been teaching, preaching, and showing, all comes together and my Littleman is taking on his share of responsibilities and then some. Tonight I asked Damon if he wanted to vacuum and he said yes. I came back downstairs to find him vacuuming under the dining table. I then offered to take over so he could do his regular chore (emptying the bathroom garbages from all three bathrooms). He said, no he would do both! wow. so now I am blogging while my Littleman is vacuuming. Part of me is anticipating that when he finishes he will realize maybe he offered too much and try to get out of doing the garbages. We shall see.
He even vacuumed out the pantry. hmmmm...i am impressed.
This could be one of the best obsessive traits his Daddy passes on to him. His wife will love him for it.
Speaking of wives loving it....I do love that about John. Sometimes is does get to be too much cuz he will move my things and then I don't know where they are, or he will throw something away he thinks is garbage, but in reality I was saving. Besides those things, I love that he isn't afraid to push a vacuum, wash a dish, scrub a toilet...although he has scrubbed WAY more dishes and floors than toilets or bathroom sinks. I love that he will do all these things AND mow the lawn, plant the garden, clean the garage, etc...

Alright, I already have the verdict. Damon did all the chores he said he would and as if by mental telepathy our friends came by in their side by side and offered to take Damon for a ride. He is getting a greg reward for his efforts! And so am I. Woooo Hooo.

I love it when things just Click!
And I love you for being there for me and for reading my blog, my journey.
Dani

Random thoughts

I'm sitting here staring at my computer, trying to decide what to write about. I have so much going on in my head and heart. 
Since the CT scan and results I have been more disheartened. I am still having good days, laughing, having fun, doing what needs to be done. 
I couldn't even focus on yesterdays post....I left it and here I am again today, thursday, still with no interesting post ideas. 
John spent a lot of time yesterday working on our garden...thank goodness it's almost done.. I just have to plant my carrots and some spinach. And of course in the front of the house I want to plant more flowers for lots of color. Today it rained all day so it was too wet to go out with little Ava (the sweet little girl I take care of during the day). lol Not that I wanted to go out and plant in the rain...no not even a little bit. 
I finally made carrot/apple juice in the juicer...it was actually yummy. Last time I made some, over a year ago, it gagged me. I must have had the ratio of carrot/apple wrong. haha. Even Damon drank some yesterday and today. So proud of him. I guess if he isn't going to eat salad anymore, I should be happy he is willing to drink carrot juice. Even Ava drank some of mine. She loves it. She loves my vitamix soup, my smoothies, and even green juice. 
Damon is feeling much better after having come down with Strep throat and being treated. now John doesn't feel good. I guess with all of us so stressed out it is not surprising we are coming down with viruses. 
We are going to learn to reduce our stress, I don't know how, but we will work on that. Juice, scripture reading, doing things together, for me...gardening, reading, crocheting maybe, riding bike when it's not raining. 
Well I guess this has just been a random post. the goings on around here day to day. John and I are finally working on our "will". that's not the funnest thing to talk about and deal with but it needs to be done sooner rather than later. I get more upset about dealing with that than i used to. I guess maybe I thought before I got sick, that talking about "if something happened to me" then it wouldn't. that couldn't be farther from the reality. Something DID happen to me and now we have to do this will. I don't like it. Kaili doesn't like it, John doesn't like it. I can't stand to think of not being here to help Damon navigate his childhood. It should be me, his momma. In the mean time I will do all that I can, love him with all my heart, teach him all that I can think of. i often find myself giving Kaili and John pep talks about what I want for Damon, etc...
I will keep praying, keep reading, keep my faith. Heavenly Father has a plan bigger than all of us...and if it includes taking me home, then I pray for peace and healing for all my family and loved ones including friends, left here to deal with life. I pray that everyone will carry on, believing that I'm happy, and looking forward to the day when we are reunited! These things I pray for. 
love,
Dani

First Try of the season

Well, John and I went to the Little Susitna River to try our lines on King Salmon. We had a good hike, but no Kings yet. They were down river still according to some man we spoke to...so maybe by next weekend they will be within reach. On our hike we came across snow, moose poop, moose and bear tracks. Thank goodness we didn't come across the producers of the tracks. One of the prints we saw was quite big. Makes me nervous.
All in all it was a nice morning out with John. Kinda like a morning date, Johns' way. lol
I hope I can spend a lot of time during this break getting out and enjoying nature, birds singing, green leaves, blooming flowers, and some nice hikes. It is soothing...
I had a friend comment to me that she can't believe how I keep my posts so upbeat/positive. I wasn't really aware that they were, but at this point I do actually feel it would be easy to let that slip and slide down into the negative. It would be easy to feel like I am losing the battle, lose hope. I am sad about the results of the last CT scan and feel nervous about what else to do. So many people have success stories. I want to have one. I want to be a true survivor.
You all can say I "will" be, and while that's a great thought, and it's good to be positive, I want to be realistic at the same time. Meaning, I could be, I want to be, I hope and pray I am, but I might not be. And I have to plan for that. I can't set myself up for failure and I can't do that to my son and husband. They have to be prepared for the worst and counting on the best. I don't want anyone to be mad and hold onto that if and when I do go, because let's face it, my odds aren't that great. Instead lets be so happy and excited if I do make it.
Sorry to drag you down...I had to get real, because this time I am posting I am not feeling so positive and I thought I would be honest with you.
So, there you have it.
I am having a good day, but throughout it I am riddled with worries.
I love you all. Thank you for reading.
May you each be blessed with good health and many birthdays.
Dani

Well, here it is....

I had a scan on Monday...met with the Doctor today. At some point in the last 12 weeks the lesions in my lungs started to grow. They had been shrinking...but something changed. I don't know what, but it has.
The Doctor and I talked and decided that I would take a break anyway to let me body rebuild, and let my bone marrow repair itself before we start treatment again.
I am still experiencing neuropathy in my feet and fingertips and we want to try to avoid making it worse. When I return to treatment I will be going back on the medicine which caused the neuropathy in the first place. I will be taking calcium and magnesium in addition with those treatments to help possibly prevent further damage to the nerves. Even though it is not fun and very uncomfortable, it's one of those things I have to put up with in order to try and fight this Cancer.
I am very disappointed. I thought things were going well and there would be more shrinkage. I hope I respond better to the first med when I start again. I am going to give it my all. In the mean time I will do my best to have a good break, eat right, exercise, have fun, and reduce stress.
For starters, I am going out tonight for a bike ride with Damon. I had juice for breakfast and for lunch today.

Hi, my name is Danielle and......

Hi, My name is Danielle and I am a foodaholic! I eat food for pleasure, for stress, because of boredom, when I am hungry, when I am not, when I think I am hungry.
I eat food that is heavy laden with sugar, carbs, starch, chocolate, yumminess, flavor.
I eat food that is greasy, salty, chocolaty, sugary, frosted, or not.
I am here to confess my addiction and stop it as of right now. Even though eating like this has been done in more moderation than usual in the last months...(most days), I still have the addiction. I have emotional ties to food I don't understand.
They are bigger than me, complicated I am sure, and so very frustrating for me. As of now I am trying very very hard to eat fresh, living food, with the occasional whole grain thrown in. I am going to increase my intake of water.
I am like an alcoholic, or drug addict. I have what feels like uncontrollable urges to partake in my drug of choice which is food. I don't need anyone to twist my arm, I don't need any excuse. I tell myself with every bite, "this will be the last one and then I will change". I will say that everyday forever if I don't get control now!
Now, if you are of my faith and don't know me well don't be shocked by what I say next.
Giving up alcohol and tobacco were so much easier for me. In fact that was easy peasy compared to what I have to now do. Of course I was never really addicted to tobacco. That was take it or leave it. I only did it to relieve stress or feel cool. I never felt, oh I need one.
Alcohol was a little different. I could give it up when need be, like when I was pregnant...I didn't drink at all. Otherwise, I didn't see any reason not to. I didn't see any situation I shouldn't be able to.
Still, it never was the same as food. FOOD is the one thing I feel out of control with. Maybe that's why I like to have control over so many other things in my life.
So, I do believe I will have slips, but I am going to try harder than ever to eat right, give up that crap and be healthier. Maybe then after some time I can relinquish control over some of the other things I hold so hard to in my life. Time will tell.
I will post again. Thinking I should create a group for eaters anonymous. lol
Dani

What Have We Done Today?

                                                                                                                    Nixon Waterman


Work is not a plan for work. Putting off work can be the same as  just plain not working.


We shall do much in the years to come,
   But what have we done today?
We shall give our gold in a princely sum,
    But what did we give today?
We shall lift the heart and dry the tear,
We shall plant a hope in the place of fear,
We shall speak the words of love and cheer,
    But what did we speak today?

We shall be so kind in the after while,
    But have we been today?
We shall bring to each lonely life a smile,
    But what have we brought today?
We shall give to truth a grander birth,
And to steadfast faith a deeper worth,
We shall feed the hungering souls of earth,
     But whom have we fed today?

We shall reap such joys in the by and by,
    But what have we sown today?
We shall build us mansions in the sky,
    But what have we built today?
'Tis sweet in the idle dreams to bask;
But here and now, do we our task?
Yet, this is the thing our souls must ask,
   What have we done today?


From The Book of Virtues (A treasury of great moral stories)

I read this to my son at bedtime and loved it!!! Truly we must ask ourselves, What have we done today? Have we just talked about doing good, following a dream, teaching a child something kind, or have we actually done something towards these goals?? It's speaks to service...leading by example...

What have you done today?

Who would've thought

Wow, I have been researching Juicing and juicers, pro's and con's, Juicing vs. smoothies...etc...There are SO many opinions, ideas, theories, recipes, etc... out there. It can get a bit overwhelming! I am looking forward to using juice as a base in some smoothies, or my soup. Mine will be a house with a juicer and blender. Even if one is better than the other, or not as good an option, both are better options than what I have been doing my whole life. So that in itself gives me hope. I only am worried about liking the juice. I don't want to gag it down day after day...I want something pleasant enough that I can pour it over ice and drink it down. I need to get ideas for making juices taste palatable. If anyone reading has ideas I am all for reading them.
We are looking forward to getting our juicer sometime this week. Then I will be off to get produce at the store. I will be wishing we lived somewhere warmer where we have access to more variety of fresh produce. oh well...we will do our best.
Ideas welcome.
Love,
dani

my saturday blues

Hey! this post treatment Saturday is coming to a close. I can't wait. It was a relaxing day though. A friend came to get Damon for about 4 hours while john was out ATV'ing with a group of Adults from church. I was able to rest and read during that time. It was great!!!! The house was just nice and quiet. It isn't like that very often...and when it is I love to take advantage.
Dinner time was a little exciting...John walked into the kitchen to find our bearded dragon, Murphy roaming the floor. How in the world???? Apparently this morning while giving her water, I left the lid open about an inch, just enough for her to get through. don't know how she got to the floor, but am glad for three things,
1~she wasn't hurt
2~ I didn't step on her
3~ the dogs didn't find her first
lol

I will be more careful in the future. Especially if my mom is around...that would not go over too well.
Now the big dogs are rough housing...running around, jumping each other, making noise. I think it might be time for me to go back to bed.
John and I ordered a juicer and are eagerly awaiting it's arrival. It shipped already yesterday so it should be here next week. (this week?).
Damon is up getting his room ready for bed. He had all kinds of toys on his bed, not conducive for sleeping in.
Tomorrow will be my first day at church with my new "hair". Should be interesting. I am sure I will get some looks. lol
Sweet dreams.
love
Dani

Here we go again

I'm headed to Anchorage today for treatment. Just when I get on a role feeling good, I gotta go back. It's getting really old and tiring, not to mention frustrating. I hate feeling like crap for four days after. Actually thursday and Friday aren't too bad...I get tired easily, and my mouth is messed up, but Saturday is the worst. I am tired, weak, my mouth is raw, and gum or cough drops are all that make it feel better. Everything else is temporary relief for my mouth and long last grief for my hips.
All I want to do on Saturdays after a treatment is lay around. I don't even feel like reading....just laying there...maybe sleep, or not. It's pretty boring. For me and especially for my son. Bless his tiny beating heart! Sometimes he voluntarily slices me a banana and some strawberries (if we have them), and serves them to me, and sometimes he fills my water bottle with ice and water. So sweet. then there are times when he just wants me to get up and play, and doesn't totally understand why I can't/won't'.
I'm already looking forward to next week. Whew.....
Ct scan coming up on the 14th. Meet with Doctor on the 16th for results.

wouldn't it be amazing?

I have been thinking a lot more about my diet and lifestyle since keeping up with my friends' blog, 3inspiringsons.com, and watching "Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead".
I have done so much research and reading, and watching documentaries in the last year it's Aaaamazing how most of it points in the same direction.....plant based diet! Not just to cleanse, but to heal, boost, fuel, and energize your body.
What I feel after watching "Fat Sick and Nearly Dead" is how LIBERATING it would feel/be to just eat veggies and fruits, in juice or smoothies, or soups, or just in salad. How amazing it would feel/be to not have to ever worry about or think about any other foods. There would be less frustrating choices to make at the store, and at home when preparing meals for family, making school lunches for kids.
Then I think, well, that WOUld be liberating however, it also scares me to think of never eating another pizza, or Ben and Jerries, I do so love those two men!, or having popcorn and candy at the movies.
I don't think it's so much being scared of not having those things, it's more about the emotions those things feed. Like my friend Amy, I have food issues I have struggled with for YRS! It's not easy to just move on. It's important, but not easy. But wouldn't it just be so amazing? Liberating? Freeing? Easy?
The fact does remain though that eating lots of produce in alaska is expensive. It's just not cheap. And it's hard to find good produce some days. How grand it would be to live somewhere warm where there are produce stands everywhere.
But where I live is not on topic here today.
I vow to do my best each day to eat more and more plant based foods and cut out processed foods. I thank my friend, Amy, for doing her blog and juice fast and inspiring me to get back on the wagon! I have as good a reason as anyone for needing to do this, I have cancer and want to help my body heal itself as much as possible. You would think that with my own life on the line it would be easier for me...but I guess my food issues override even that. Must deal with those!
Can't wait to get my strawberries!

Forgive me

Forgive me for not writing in such a long time. I was sick for awhile, then sick some more, then just plain discouraged.
I got sick with a cold of some sort...got an ear infection, ear pain continued in non-infected ear, got treatment when I shouldn't have because my white blood counts were way down. I had to take a shot of nulasta to up the counts. The shot itself didn't hurt, it was a few days later that my whole body ached....really bad. And the ache lasted for several days. So uncomfortable. It also happened to be Easter weekend and I ended up feeling lousy East Sunday. My poor boy Damon was a bit disappointed that I spent so much of that day on the couch.
After all that, I just didn't feel like writing.
for awhile.
So now here I am writing again. I have been reading my friend Amy's blog about her and her family's experience with a juice fast. It's been an amazing journey for them and for me to read. They suggested watching the video "Fat, Sick, And NEarly Dead" on netflix or hulu. It took me the whole first half of THEIR fast for me to get to watching it.
I watched it last night with Damon...who fell asleep one third of the way through it. It proved to be very interesting. While I am not sure that juicing full time for any length of time is right for me, I do feel more motivated to get back on track with my own diet. And I don't mean "diet" as in weight watchers. I mean diet as in what I eat. One year ago I was doing really well on smoothies, leaving behind dairy, meat, and most sugar. I lost 10 lbs promptly. Then summer hit and s'mores, cookouts, and soda were all around me. It was so hard. I held fast for awhile, then slowly over time started having a bite of this, a bite of that, a piece of birthday cake, a sip of soda. Before I knew it I was struggling to get back on track with my desire to eat only plant based foods, in other words being a Vegan.
Today I am a bad Vegan. I eat chocolate, take bites of Damon's pizza, his yogurt, and even ate a burger once from the dreaded McDonalds. I can't believe I just wrote that.!!!! Please don't tell anyone. lol
Chocolate isn't necessarily not vegan, but if I am giving up sugar then it is bad for me.
It's all the more difficult when I am the ONLY one in my household willing to eat the way I know I need to. Even Damon used to eat salads a lot more than he does today. I was doing so well encouraging him and watching him join me to a certain degree in my new lifestyle. Slowly but surely I started letting him go back to certain foods because it was easier than arguing. And during the long hard winter we had, it was, frankly, comforting.
So, now that I have been reading and following my friend Amy's journey and finally watched "Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead" I feel a renewed commitment and desire to do what I know is right. Today I had two large smoothies made with spinach, kale, cucumber, carrot, blueberries, and strawberries. For dinner I had cauliflower mixed with some quinoa. I feel full but not bloated. Just satisfied. I remember when I got cravings last spring I would go to bed and read so I wouldn't be near the kitchen. I may have to return to that. Also now that it's light so late, I could take late evening walks with my dog to get out, and get moving at the same time.
So, here is to getting back on track!!!!! One Day at a time, but lets make each one count.
Each one is so precious!

just sitting

I am currently sitting in the large beanbag we have out in the garage. It's Damon's Ultimate Sak. I am watching while Bode walks on the treadmill. Well I guess I am not really watching cuz I am writing. But alas, I AM sitting. I should be the one on the treadmill but was thinking more along the lines of a walking video. the dogs really need the treadmill or else they wreak havoc in the house all day rough housing. I really can't have that. With little Ava walking around and Damon adding to the fray by teasing it could easily get out of control. It does somedays. If I have things to keep me occupied while the dogs walk, then it's not so bad lounging around in the garage while they do. Ava sits in her little chair and I lay or sit on the bean bag, and Damon plays with our stuff...pieces of wood, food, tools, etc.....Sometimes the garage becomes a store and I have to buy food, that's already been purchased by me, from Damon.
It's all good. Ava gets a snack, Damon gets to play, the dogs get their exercise, and I get to watch it all. Or play around on the computer or iPad.
Now it's almost lunchtime so when the dogs are done we will have lunch, then naps. Or quiet time.
I'm feeling a little better today than I was yesterday. One day at a time.
Have a great weekend everyone!!!
love,
Dani

Where is me?

Lately I have been feeling like I don't know me anymore. I don't like me anymore. I don't feel like me anymore. Wondering where is me? Where is the me I used to know? Every now and then I get a quick shimmery glance of that me, but then it fades fast and this new me is there...is it even me I wonder? I didn't ask for this. I didn't plan on this. I don't WANT this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don' t know if it's me feeling sorry for myself, or me feeling downright lousy.
I have had a bad cold/flu thing going on for two weeks or more now, at least through 2 treatments and it's really getting old. Plus, the longer I am in treatment, the harder it is to discern what part of not feeling good is from treatment, and what part is from something else? It's not hard (for me) to understand the difficulty here as some of the meds do make me have flu like symptoms for a day or two, but I have forgotten which days, and I have been feeling that way for over 2 wks, so I am sure it's something else. Ears backed up with fluid, stuffy nose (now that is due to both for sure), headaches, achy muscles and joints, coughing.
If I could just take the cold/flu thing and drop the Cancer, I would be sick for a few more weeks....if I KNEW that there was an end. And not an end where I am not here.
I am so sick of this. Don't worry folks, I am not giving up, just putting my serious lack of enthusiasm for treatment and cancer out there.
This is not how I envisioned my future when I was younger. When I had my son life was GREAT. I was so blessed and felt so happy. I was so excited to get to be a mom again. Little did I know that after having him  was when this started growing in me. If only some of the signs had been STRONGer, more severe, to where I had things checked out, I might have been only stage I or II and things would have a better outlook today. But that wasn't in the cards for me. For some reason...I went to stage IV and am now fighting for my life in a big way.
I will never forget what I said to John as soon as the Doctor walked out of the room to give us a few moments. He had his head down, crying silent, but scared and angry tears, and I leaned down and said "John, this is a test of our Faith! This is a chance to show our Heavenly Father what we are made of."
I didn't cry then. I don't remember when I cried, maybe when I told my mom and dad on the phone. Maybe not even then. Maybe when John and I knelt in prayer that night is when I cried. Damon would have been in bed where I couldn't scare him with my tears of disbelief, anger, sadness, and fear.
I still feel all those things. I just don't cry them out every day.
But I am way off subject now. Well, maybe not...that day, the day the Doctor told us is the very day I started losing my grasp on the me I used to know. I was so strong the day before that...Hadn't I just lost 22 lbs and worked out all winter with my friend Amy? Hadn't I been eating what I thought was healthy, and swimming, and training for a triathlon? Ooooh I fondly remember how strong my legs were then, the muscle all defined and firm. I WANT that back. I want me back. I want my old life back. I want to rewind the clock, or the calendar.
My Doctor told me I am probably looking at doing intermittent chemo for the rest of my life....whatever that is. That very thought gives me pause.....will I EVER be strong again? Will I ever have enough time in between "rounds" to get back in shape? I want these things! I want life! I want my life! I am just going to have to work harder this time, be stronger, be kinder to myself, be more patient, be more dedicated.
GO
FIGHT
WIN
or at least
GO
FIGHT
FINISH
Love you guys. Keep reading...I will try to write more frequently.
Dani

Less (is more?)

Less is more. We have all heard this saying, right? I have been thinking this week about

Me with Less.

Me with Less:

Hair

This is the style I am thinking of.

Ok, getting on with it....I get sidetracked easily.

Me with LESS:

weight(Susan K. I can hear you now...)

stress

dogs

house

dog poop

chemo

stress

CANCER

fatigue

flab

winter

snow

darkness

chaos

chest

bills

debt

unexpected expenses

vet bills

stress

dirty dishes

laundry

LESS of all this would possibly mean More to me!

More

Peace

free time

spending money

stamina

health

sun

savings

green grass to play on

time to read

time to play

dreams coming true

energy

time to spend with Damon

relaxation

calm

So, Less is More!

Love to you all!

Thanks for being my readers.

Dani



Endless?

This Chemo does seem endless!!

 I do have to say though that I get treated like a queen when I come home that night and the few days after. My littleman, Damon is so attentive. He is learning to use the toaster over so he likes to make me toast, cut me bananas and oranges and whatever other fruit we might have on hand. He serves me on a plate with a TV tray, and when I finish he clears my place. He even gets me water. Endless this could be, I wouldn't mind. He is such a little gentleman. I never ask him to do these things. I am more likely to ask him to fetch me a book, my phone, glasses, take things to the trash...all of which he does as well.

So to brag a bit more on a day I do'nt feel good...he is reading!!!! My precious kindergartener is reading. It's wonderful to see him process this developmental milestone. I know I wAS NOT reading in K. I was fingerpainting, singing, playing...listening to stories but not reading them.

And he loves all things non fiction! He can tell you almost anything you want to know about the Titanic, and frogs, bugs, dolphins, etc...

I am so proud to be his momma. I pray I will be around for many more milestones. I love them! I love him! I love life ( not so much on chemo weeks)!

 

sleepless nights

This is where John and I sleep now. It's a KING! And I have all new pillows thanks to my mom!!! thank you for the birthday pillows. Now I can sit up in bed and read to DAmon, and to myself. I can roll over from my spot to the middle. I don't have to roll in the same spot. (John still hugs his edge, so that works out for me!!!)

Ari on the other hand, thinks now she is queen of getting to sleep in the bed. I haven't yet decided how much energy to exert pushing her off repeatedly! I like to spread my legs our without running into any obstacles. I got flannel sheets from Costco, they are heavenly.

All this and  you would think I would not be having anymore sleepless nights right?

Wrong!

Well it's not that my whole night is sleepless. It's just that my sleep gets interrupted repeatedly, and not just because of ARI.

I check on Damon.

I go to the bathroom.

I check on Damon

I go to the bathroom.

I get a drink.

I lay with Damon, thus loosing at least an hour in my own bed.

I take the dogs out.

I listen to John's CPAP machine.

I worry about Bode's aggression with ARi.

I worry about my next treatment.

I go to the bathroom.

I worry about my family.

I get a headache.

yikes!!!!

And the worst nights always seem to be the ones I take a sleep aid...then I am up and down more.

Crazy how that works.

So, for those of  you not on my facebook, and who I might not have emailed, I am trying to win tickets to dierks bentley concert. Please.......

go to Kash1075

click on dierks

click on view photos and vote

my two photos are of Damon with fish. titled "me and my dollies" and "fishin with dad". you can vote once a day, every day. The rating system is rating the photo. 5 being the best. Please vote 5 on each photo, each day if you can remember.

I really want to go to this concert and winning the tickets would be GREAT fun.

Thanks for reading, Thanks for loving, Thanks for praying, Thanks for positive thoughts, Thanks for supporting me and my family, Thanks for being you.

Blessings to you!!!!!

Dani

Time passes

I have my ups and downs with this blog. I get on a roll, posting several days in a row and then I go on hiatus! I want to be more consistant. I talk about consistancy, I strive for it, I look for it. But for some reason with this project it escapes me. Actually as with most projects these days, consistancy escapes me. I am the most consistant when it comes to parenting Damon. And don't let that comment fool you. I mess up a lot. I slip, I let things slide...yep I am a pretty normal parent. I don't even take pictures and videos consistantly like I would like to.

I seem these days to be getting by...do a little laundry, do a load of dishes, make dinner once or twice a week for john, vacuum sometimes, clean off the desk once every few months. John must think I am just a slacker when it comes to housework. I am doing my best. Some days I just don't have the energy...I do one or the other thing. it's either dishes, or laundry, maybe not both. lol

I am attempting to do less on the days I really don't feel good and in return, do more on the days I feel good, but guess what? Do you ever run into this? There ISNT enough time in the day. I try to plan, prioritize, and somehow I still run out of time. Maybe I am still sitting around too much. I think part of that is winter. It's easy to do up here in Alaska where it's cold, dark, icy out, windy, and snowy. It's easy to let oneself hibernate. I try not to. It helps having Damon around, he keeps me on my toes.

My mom bought these little ankle weights, the kind that are filled with sand or some such thing and they velcro around the ankle, know what I mean? Anyway, they are about 1.5 lbs each. I had Damon put one around each ankle and go up and down the stairs. He talked about how they were heavy and made it difficult. bingo. I was letting him know that is how Mommy's legs feel after I get treatment...tired and heavy. That is why I don't like going up and down the stairs if I don't have to. I wanted him to start to understand a little bit about what the meds do to my body. He didn't seem too terribly interested, but I think in the back of his mind he will mull it over and put two and two together.

Speaking of putting 2 and 2 together....Bode is working on it. He has a ways to go, but boy can this boy jump and smell. He has a good sniffer this one.

Poised and ready.......

 And legs meant for jumping....

And the jump....this boy can jump, and he has a GREAT nose on him.

 And a face to love!!!

Had to cool off a minute.

 And then there is Ari...So sweet and pretty.

Can't pass a good photo op of the blonde beauty.

I vow

Anyone seen any good movies lately? Any GREAT ones? Sherlock Holmes 2 was really good. The Help was good. War Horse was really good. I love a good movie. I don't like the cost of going to a good movie. Despite this cost, I VOW to enjoy myself when I got to see The Vow on the 10th with my hubby. My mom will be in town ( have treatment the 8th) so we have a babysitter. I don't know if I vow to not eat the popcorn, though the way my mouth feels will more than likely interfere with consuming more than two bites.
I am not looking forward the treatment and the tiredness after, but am SO looking forward to the movie night. John and I need to Vow to go on more dates. Lately a date for us is sitting next to each other on the couch and watching the news and then Jay Leno after DAmon is in bed. wooo hooo, makes for real blood pumping romance....Not! hahaha
I recently made reservations for us to go the Wyndam resort in New Braunfels Texas in August. We need to get away. It will be hot, but that's ok, we plan on going to Schlitterbahn, the waterpark, where we can cool down. I can't wait to go!
What movies have you seen lately?
What dates have you been on?
Where do you like to vacation?
I vow to read your responses. :)

Human (normal) again

After this last treatment I finally feel human again. Today has been rather normal. I got up and walked on the treadmill, showered, then got Damon ready for school, ran errands, and so on...like normal people do any day of the week.
Of course when I was a teenager I rebelled against "normal". Just ask anyone in my family! My motto was "why be normal?" I didn't see any sense in it! I had no use for it. I shunned it. I did all I could to turn my back on it. Normal? Who needs it right? Normal was boring, tiring, lame.

Well, now adays I look for normal. I crave normal. Wow, funny how a word starts to sound really weird after using it so often. normal normal normal normal etc....I think I forgot what it even means now and what I was getting at by using this word.

oh yea, I want to be normal. Like I was way back when, when I wasn't really normal, but I was.
Wow, have I lost you all yet? I lost myself back on paragraph two. let's see......................oh, teenagers, there's nothing normal about them. lol I didn't need to try so hard NOT to be normal...if only I'd known then what I know now. I probably wasted a lot of energy.

Energy...I am getting that back today too. Normal Energy! hmmmph.
My poor family suffered through the weekend with me. They are such troopers. I was SO cranky on Saturday, it was so not normal around the house. Or was it normal? Normal for every other Saturday. yep, that's the NEW Normal!

I have to redefine that word for my life now. workin on it. every day. every hour. that and about a Kazillion other things.


this is normal. Damon playing in wet grass with his dump truck.

Or contimplating the sand on the beach at "Pasagshak" in Kodiak. I miss those days.

I had energy to watch John fish, play with Damon, build a fire and I could eat hot dogs. lol

To all who look for normal...be grateful for it.

She'll be coming around the mountain

She'll be comin around the mountain when she comes....That's the song I am reminded of today as I come around this big mountain of exhaustion, weakness, feeling yucky, mouth sores, etc....

I felt on and off ok on Thursday and Friday, getting worse towards evenings when my body just would give out. By Saturday afternoon though I felt LOUSY! It was all I could do to get off the couch. I didn't feel like eating, reading, watching TV, talking, anything...My poor boys...it's so hard for a person to understand unless they see me, or go through it themselves, let alone a 5 yr old! how many times do I explain that it's the medicine we are using to try to get me better that is making me feel so crappy? How many ways? I pray pray pray that I can go into remission for much longer this time.

For these two! And my husband of course. These two beauties are my babies. My life! My sunshine! My joy! My inspiration! My motivation! Though I must interject here, it takes more than them to get me on the treadmill. Crazy I know. but true.
They motivate me in many other ways.
We had pictures taken of them, and each of them with me, and a few of all three of us. I want them to have some nice pictures of us together to keep forever. Happy pictures.
Now I think it's naptime. right? right. I'll make an attempt. Though today I have more energy I am still shaky in the muscles.
Blessings to each of you!!!
love
Dani

think you're old?

If you think you're old or hate being old, I don't wanna hear about it. Not to be rude or anything, but really? Do you have your health? Could you do something to gain some health? Are you able to walk, move, drive, sing, think happy thoughts, cook, do dishes, vacuum, ski, snowshoe, hike, etc...? AMEN. Thank goodness. Whether you do those things or not doesn't really matter. What matters is if you were going to, would you be able to?
Can you still make choices for yourself? AMEN!
Birthdays Birthdays Birthdays. Mine is coming up. My mom's is before mine. Our age might indicate that we have been around for a while.....seen a few things, done a few things, forgotten a few things, but we aren't old. And if we are so what! At least we ARE! We are here to have a Birthday. So I say CELEBRATE, sing songs, eat cake, slap yourself on the back! or pat, or rub, or scratch. Treat yourself to something special, a massage, manicure, haircut, a good book. Just CELEBRATE. If you are reading this then I know you are breathing still. lol
Let's be grateful when we get another birthday! Another season! Another holiday! Another DAY!

love
Dani

A few pictures from over Christmas break

My little hero! Adventurer, creator, superman, sculptor. 

Here he is building a volcano.

Here we are ...................you guessed it, we are sledding. This hill was fun coming down, but a pain to climb up. it was steep and icy. This was before the cold snap we've had now for a few weeks.

I went out one morning by myself and was able to get some cool pics of

the sky.

And the frost on the trees

Improvement

There has been improvement! And I am not talking about me. I am talking about Damon and his behavior at school. I got his second quarter report card yesterday and it was GREAT. He has made incredible strides forward since last quarter. He is demonstrating better self control and is getting along with others better, he is listening better and focusing on his work. I am Such a PROUD momma. Mrs. Novak also said he is on the verge of reading. I beleive it. He is my ROCK STAR!!!!
On another note...I found a publisher I think might work with me. I am so excited. I now have an "assignment" from her so that gives me direction and something to work with. Now I have already started my outlines and lists, and putting my ideas on paper. Some of them were already on the computer, but not so specific as they are going to be now.
Can't wait!!!!
And yet another note...it's windy now...we haven't had much wind at all so far this winter so I guess we are due. I should NOT have said anything to anyone a few days ago about the wind...now we are going to get it.
I have some pics I need to load and edit so I can put them up. I will do it soon.
gotta go make lists, and work on my "assignment".

Blessings!!!!!
Dani