Lately I have been feeling like I don't know me anymore. I don't like me anymore. I don't feel like me anymore. Wondering where is me? Where is the me I used to know? Every now and then I get a quick shimmery glance of that me, but then it fades fast and this new me is there...is it even me I wonder? I didn't ask for this. I didn't plan on this. I don't WANT this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don' t know if it's me feeling sorry for myself, or me feeling downright lousy.
I have had a bad cold/flu thing going on for two weeks or more now, at least through 2 treatments and it's really getting old. Plus, the longer I am in treatment, the harder it is to discern what part of not feeling good is from treatment, and what part is from something else? It's not hard (for me) to understand the difficulty here as some of the meds do make me have flu like symptoms for a day or two, but I have forgotten which days, and I have been feeling that way for over 2 wks, so I am sure it's something else. Ears backed up with fluid, stuffy nose (now that is due to both for sure), headaches, achy muscles and joints, coughing.
If I could just take the cold/flu thing and drop the Cancer, I would be sick for a few more weeks....if I KNEW that there was an end. And not an end where I am not here.
I am so sick of this. Don't worry folks, I am not giving up, just putting my serious lack of enthusiasm for treatment and cancer out there.
This is not how I envisioned my future when I was younger. When I had my son life was GREAT. I was so blessed and felt so happy. I was so excited to get to be a mom again. Little did I know that after having him was when this started growing in me. If only some of the signs had been STRONGer, more severe, to where I had things checked out, I might have been only stage I or II and things would have a better outlook today. But that wasn't in the cards for me. For some reason...I went to stage IV and am now fighting for my life in a big way.
I will never forget what I said to John as soon as the Doctor walked out of the room to give us a few moments. He had his head down, crying silent, but scared and angry tears, and I leaned down and said "John, this is a test of our Faith! This is a chance to show our Heavenly Father what we are made of."
I didn't cry then. I don't remember when I cried, maybe when I told my mom and dad on the phone. Maybe not even then. Maybe when John and I knelt in prayer that night is when I cried. Damon would have been in bed where I couldn't scare him with my tears of disbelief, anger, sadness, and fear.
I still feel all those things. I just don't cry them out every day.
But I am way off subject now. Well, maybe not...that day, the day the Doctor told us is the very day I started losing my grasp on the me I used to know. I was so strong the day before that...Hadn't I just lost 22 lbs and worked out all winter with my friend Amy? Hadn't I been eating what I thought was healthy, and swimming, and training for a triathlon? Ooooh I fondly remember how strong my legs were then, the muscle all defined and firm. I WANT that back. I want me back. I want my old life back. I want to rewind the clock, or the calendar.
My Doctor told me I am probably looking at doing intermittent chemo for the rest of my life....whatever that is. That very thought gives me pause.....will I EVER be strong again? Will I ever have enough time in between "rounds" to get back in shape? I want these things! I want life! I want my life! I am just going to have to work harder this time, be stronger, be kinder to myself, be more patient, be more dedicated.
or at least
Love you guys. Keep reading...I will try to write more frequently.