Random thoughts

I'm sitting here staring at my computer, trying to decide what to write about. I have so much going on in my head and heart. 
Since the CT scan and results I have been more disheartened. I am still having good days, laughing, having fun, doing what needs to be done. 
I couldn't even focus on yesterdays post....I left it and here I am again today, thursday, still with no interesting post ideas. 
John spent a lot of time yesterday working on our garden...thank goodness it's almost done.. I just have to plant my carrots and some spinach. And of course in the front of the house I want to plant more flowers for lots of color. Today it rained all day so it was too wet to go out with little Ava (the sweet little girl I take care of during the day). lol Not that I wanted to go out and plant in the rain...no not even a little bit. 
I finally made carrot/apple juice in the juicer...it was actually yummy. Last time I made some, over a year ago, it gagged me. I must have had the ratio of carrot/apple wrong. haha. Even Damon drank some yesterday and today. So proud of him. I guess if he isn't going to eat salad anymore, I should be happy he is willing to drink carrot juice. Even Ava drank some of mine. She loves it. She loves my vitamix soup, my smoothies, and even green juice. 
Damon is feeling much better after having come down with Strep throat and being treated. now John doesn't feel good. I guess with all of us so stressed out it is not surprising we are coming down with viruses. 
We are going to learn to reduce our stress, I don't know how, but we will work on that. Juice, scripture reading, doing things together, for me...gardening, reading, crocheting maybe, riding bike when it's not raining. 
Well I guess this has just been a random post. the goings on around here day to day. John and I are finally working on our "will". that's not the funnest thing to talk about and deal with but it needs to be done sooner rather than later. I get more upset about dealing with that than i used to. I guess maybe I thought before I got sick, that talking about "if something happened to me" then it wouldn't. that couldn't be farther from the reality. Something DID happen to me and now we have to do this will. I don't like it. Kaili doesn't like it, John doesn't like it. I can't stand to think of not being here to help Damon navigate his childhood. It should be me, his momma. In the mean time I will do all that I can, love him with all my heart, teach him all that I can think of. i often find myself giving Kaili and John pep talks about what I want for Damon, etc...
I will keep praying, keep reading, keep my faith. Heavenly Father has a plan bigger than all of us...and if it includes taking me home, then I pray for peace and healing for all my family and loved ones including friends, left here to deal with life. I pray that everyone will carry on, believing that I'm happy, and looking forward to the day when we are reunited! These things I pray for. 
love,
Dani

First Try of the season

Well, John and I went to the Little Susitna River to try our lines on King Salmon. We had a good hike, but no Kings yet. They were down river still according to some man we spoke to...so maybe by next weekend they will be within reach. On our hike we came across snow, moose poop, moose and bear tracks. Thank goodness we didn't come across the producers of the tracks. One of the prints we saw was quite big. Makes me nervous.
All in all it was a nice morning out with John. Kinda like a morning date, Johns' way. lol
I hope I can spend a lot of time during this break getting out and enjoying nature, birds singing, green leaves, blooming flowers, and some nice hikes. It is soothing...
I had a friend comment to me that she can't believe how I keep my posts so upbeat/positive. I wasn't really aware that they were, but at this point I do actually feel it would be easy to let that slip and slide down into the negative. It would be easy to feel like I am losing the battle, lose hope. I am sad about the results of the last CT scan and feel nervous about what else to do. So many people have success stories. I want to have one. I want to be a true survivor.
You all can say I "will" be, and while that's a great thought, and it's good to be positive, I want to be realistic at the same time. Meaning, I could be, I want to be, I hope and pray I am, but I might not be. And I have to plan for that. I can't set myself up for failure and I can't do that to my son and husband. They have to be prepared for the worst and counting on the best. I don't want anyone to be mad and hold onto that if and when I do go, because let's face it, my odds aren't that great. Instead lets be so happy and excited if I do make it.
Sorry to drag you down...I had to get real, because this time I am posting I am not feeling so positive and I thought I would be honest with you.
So, there you have it.
I am having a good day, but throughout it I am riddled with worries.
I love you all. Thank you for reading.
May you each be blessed with good health and many birthdays.
Dani

Well, here it is....

I had a scan on Monday...met with the Doctor today. At some point in the last 12 weeks the lesions in my lungs started to grow. They had been shrinking...but something changed. I don't know what, but it has.
The Doctor and I talked and decided that I would take a break anyway to let me body rebuild, and let my bone marrow repair itself before we start treatment again.
I am still experiencing neuropathy in my feet and fingertips and we want to try to avoid making it worse. When I return to treatment I will be going back on the medicine which caused the neuropathy in the first place. I will be taking calcium and magnesium in addition with those treatments to help possibly prevent further damage to the nerves. Even though it is not fun and very uncomfortable, it's one of those things I have to put up with in order to try and fight this Cancer.
I am very disappointed. I thought things were going well and there would be more shrinkage. I hope I respond better to the first med when I start again. I am going to give it my all. In the mean time I will do my best to have a good break, eat right, exercise, have fun, and reduce stress.
For starters, I am going out tonight for a bike ride with Damon. I had juice for breakfast and for lunch today.

Hi, my name is Danielle and......

Hi, My name is Danielle and I am a foodaholic! I eat food for pleasure, for stress, because of boredom, when I am hungry, when I am not, when I think I am hungry.
I eat food that is heavy laden with sugar, carbs, starch, chocolate, yumminess, flavor.
I eat food that is greasy, salty, chocolaty, sugary, frosted, or not.
I am here to confess my addiction and stop it as of right now. Even though eating like this has been done in more moderation than usual in the last months...(most days), I still have the addiction. I have emotional ties to food I don't understand.
They are bigger than me, complicated I am sure, and so very frustrating for me. As of now I am trying very very hard to eat fresh, living food, with the occasional whole grain thrown in. I am going to increase my intake of water.
I am like an alcoholic, or drug addict. I have what feels like uncontrollable urges to partake in my drug of choice which is food. I don't need anyone to twist my arm, I don't need any excuse. I tell myself with every bite, "this will be the last one and then I will change". I will say that everyday forever if I don't get control now!
Now, if you are of my faith and don't know me well don't be shocked by what I say next.
Giving up alcohol and tobacco were so much easier for me. In fact that was easy peasy compared to what I have to now do. Of course I was never really addicted to tobacco. That was take it or leave it. I only did it to relieve stress or feel cool. I never felt, oh I need one.
Alcohol was a little different. I could give it up when need be, like when I was pregnant...I didn't drink at all. Otherwise, I didn't see any reason not to. I didn't see any situation I shouldn't be able to.
Still, it never was the same as food. FOOD is the one thing I feel out of control with. Maybe that's why I like to have control over so many other things in my life.
So, I do believe I will have slips, but I am going to try harder than ever to eat right, give up that crap and be healthier. Maybe then after some time I can relinquish control over some of the other things I hold so hard to in my life. Time will tell.
I will post again. Thinking I should create a group for eaters anonymous. lol
Dani

What Have We Done Today?

                                                                                                                    Nixon Waterman


Work is not a plan for work. Putting off work can be the same as  just plain not working.


We shall do much in the years to come,
   But what have we done today?
We shall give our gold in a princely sum,
    But what did we give today?
We shall lift the heart and dry the tear,
We shall plant a hope in the place of fear,
We shall speak the words of love and cheer,
    But what did we speak today?

We shall be so kind in the after while,
    But have we been today?
We shall bring to each lonely life a smile,
    But what have we brought today?
We shall give to truth a grander birth,
And to steadfast faith a deeper worth,
We shall feed the hungering souls of earth,
     But whom have we fed today?

We shall reap such joys in the by and by,
    But what have we sown today?
We shall build us mansions in the sky,
    But what have we built today?
'Tis sweet in the idle dreams to bask;
But here and now, do we our task?
Yet, this is the thing our souls must ask,
   What have we done today?


From The Book of Virtues (A treasury of great moral stories)

I read this to my son at bedtime and loved it!!! Truly we must ask ourselves, What have we done today? Have we just talked about doing good, following a dream, teaching a child something kind, or have we actually done something towards these goals?? It's speaks to service...leading by example...

What have you done today?

Who would've thought

Wow, I have been researching Juicing and juicers, pro's and con's, Juicing vs. smoothies...etc...There are SO many opinions, ideas, theories, recipes, etc... out there. It can get a bit overwhelming! I am looking forward to using juice as a base in some smoothies, or my soup. Mine will be a house with a juicer and blender. Even if one is better than the other, or not as good an option, both are better options than what I have been doing my whole life. So that in itself gives me hope. I only am worried about liking the juice. I don't want to gag it down day after day...I want something pleasant enough that I can pour it over ice and drink it down. I need to get ideas for making juices taste palatable. If anyone reading has ideas I am all for reading them.
We are looking forward to getting our juicer sometime this week. Then I will be off to get produce at the store. I will be wishing we lived somewhere warmer where we have access to more variety of fresh produce. oh well...we will do our best.
Ideas welcome.
Love,
dani

my saturday blues

Hey! this post treatment Saturday is coming to a close. I can't wait. It was a relaxing day though. A friend came to get Damon for about 4 hours while john was out ATV'ing with a group of Adults from church. I was able to rest and read during that time. It was great!!!! The house was just nice and quiet. It isn't like that very often...and when it is I love to take advantage.
Dinner time was a little exciting...John walked into the kitchen to find our bearded dragon, Murphy roaming the floor. How in the world???? Apparently this morning while giving her water, I left the lid open about an inch, just enough for her to get through. don't know how she got to the floor, but am glad for three things,
1~she wasn't hurt
2~ I didn't step on her
3~ the dogs didn't find her first
lol

I will be more careful in the future. Especially if my mom is around...that would not go over too well.
Now the big dogs are rough housing...running around, jumping each other, making noise. I think it might be time for me to go back to bed.
John and I ordered a juicer and are eagerly awaiting it's arrival. It shipped already yesterday so it should be here next week. (this week?).
Damon is up getting his room ready for bed. He had all kinds of toys on his bed, not conducive for sleeping in.
Tomorrow will be my first day at church with my new "hair". Should be interesting. I am sure I will get some looks. lol
Sweet dreams.
love
Dani

Here we go again

I'm headed to Anchorage today for treatment. Just when I get on a role feeling good, I gotta go back. It's getting really old and tiring, not to mention frustrating. I hate feeling like crap for four days after. Actually thursday and Friday aren't too bad...I get tired easily, and my mouth is messed up, but Saturday is the worst. I am tired, weak, my mouth is raw, and gum or cough drops are all that make it feel better. Everything else is temporary relief for my mouth and long last grief for my hips.
All I want to do on Saturdays after a treatment is lay around. I don't even feel like reading....just laying there...maybe sleep, or not. It's pretty boring. For me and especially for my son. Bless his tiny beating heart! Sometimes he voluntarily slices me a banana and some strawberries (if we have them), and serves them to me, and sometimes he fills my water bottle with ice and water. So sweet. then there are times when he just wants me to get up and play, and doesn't totally understand why I can't/won't'.
I'm already looking forward to next week. Whew.....
Ct scan coming up on the 14th. Meet with Doctor on the 16th for results.