got a better one?

I couldn't think of a good title for this post. I had one all picked out, then by the time I got to writing this, 2:57a.m. on a wednesday morning, that title no longer applied.
So, I don't have a title, got a better one?

I have gone through so much since writing last. I had scans, bloodwork, doctor visits, travels, great weather, storms, emotional highs, and lows.
I have been busy and too emotional upset to write.
Now at 3 a.m. I find myself wide awake, not feeling really well, and thought I would take this opportunity to write something down,( if my computer battery will last. )
As you all know I went to Hallelujah Acres back in February. I had come away from there with a great jump start, what I needed. I was on my way to eating and living a green, plant based diet. I came home with high aspirations. I started trying my recipes on the family. John loved it all. I got used to drinking juice most of the time. It actually made things easier in the kitchen once I was all set up for it.
I was feeling great.
I was looking great, according to you, others and pictures.
When I finally returned to the doctor, a new one much closer to home, and had scans and bloodwork done, I got some rattling news.
My bloodwork had continued to double and scans showed not only growth, but that the disease has spread to other areas of my body. I was crushed!!! John was crushed!!!! I had to make some fast decisions all while letting family know, and trying to deal with this news emotionally, as well as not upset my son too much.
I was frustrated, why had eating healthy not been working for me? I mean it was working....I was feeling better than I had in months, I lost 25 lbs, my complexion was great, I was full of energy. Then again, it wasn't working. Not in the way I wanted it to most. Not in the life changing, miraculous way I had heard it has for so many others. Not in the way I needed it to for my son. My husband. My daughter, my mother, father, brothers....oh man!
Now at a crossroads.
Do I refuse treatment because I know it's poison....
Do I take treatment when I know it's poison.....
Do I keep eating healthy and take treatment and hope they can work together?
Do I keep eating healthy and refuse treatment and watch my CEA's continue to double, and my disease spread until I have nothing left?
Do I try treatment again and hope to keep the disease slowed, or at bay so I could have more time with my boy and rest of my family?
SO torn.
SO upset.
SO sad.
SO mad.
SO confused.
SO ashamed.
SO unhappy.
SO SO SO............ just SO everything.
Maybe for me the healthy diet is for keeping my immune system healthy while I battle this with treatment? I don't know. I will never really know. All I know right now is I didn't get the response I wanted and expected and I don't really have 6 more months to experiment. If I wait that long, it could end up in my liver, or other organs. Then I will really be in the porta potty.
We, none of us, will ever know in this lifetime what the plan is for us. We can make guesses, we can speculate, but we don't really know. For me at this point, it's 50/50 either way I go. I am scared of either. It wasn't an easy decision. Maybe you are reading this and thinking, oh yes that's easy.....don't poison yourself, or absolutely you should do treatment. But it wasn't so black and white. I have a 7 yr old son (in one day), who needs me a bit longer. I have a daughter in training....to be a "sister-mamma".
I have a husband who still needs to be reminded that we don't always get control, and parents and siblings I am not finished spending time with, whom i love to death.
I know that Heavenly FAther has a plan for me and you, for everyone, but we don't know it in this life. I know that Heavenly Father loves ME. I know that Heavenly Father is mindful of my prayers and needs. I know that Heavenly Father is doing what he needs to do. When I get called to the other side it's because the work to be done is far greater there than here and I am needed. How can I not feel good about that? Except I don't want to be needed yet. I (as a humble woman) believe I couldn't possibly be needed more than I am needed at home with my family. hahaha...What I am trying to say is that I have FAITH. Please don't think this makes any of this easier for me, but I do draw a certain comfort in knowing that I am taken care of. I pray that for each of you, you can find your faith, your comfort, in your way.
So, back to my whole story....
I got this news and my daughter decided to come home. I flew to Texas and she and I had a fun road trip back to Alaska. She is now home again to work and help around home, and spend as much time with us as possible. Yay me!!!! Yay Damon!!!!
Yay Kaili.....right? hahaha
My mom is also living with us presently as she faces a few of her own challenges and we are so so grateful for all of her help!!!
I did my first treatment (again), last wednesday and it went ok. never great. but ok. lol
My littleman turns 7 on Thursday the 11th. woo hoo. We will celebrate with a small family gathering. Maybe surprise him with a party later. He keeps saying he doesn't want a party.
This weekend he graduates to "high orange" belt in Tang Soo Do. So very proud of him and his hard work, and commitment to that.
I better try to sleep now.
love you all. forgive my emotional time out from writing. I had to get myself together, then take a road trip, and get my "house" back in order before I could write all that.
Blessings.
Danielle

You just never know

You just never know...
     ~what you'll be when you grow up (till you grow up and do it)
     ~who you will marry (or if you will)
     ~how many kids you will have (and if they will be boys, girls, angels, or whippersnappers)
     ~where you will live (and who you will live with)
     ~who will stand by your side (through the thick and thin...until they do it)
     ~how you will die (or when)
     ~what trials you will face (or how you will face them)
     ~what blessings you will receive (until you receive them, and learn to recognize them)
     ~what your life holds for you (until you live it!)

Today I anxiously waited for a phone call that never came. What a day of emotional ups and downs. This whole week will be that way for me. These weeks I have bloodwork and CT scans are very emotional for me. Even now that I am relying on my lifestyle change to encourage my body to heal naturally. There are so many unknowns....not different really than traditional treatment. Have I drank enough juice? Have I stayed away from other foods enough? Have I taken enough supplements? Have I reduced my stress enough? Have I incorporated enough positive thoughts? Have I given it enough time?
I go from thinking I am doing all these things right and of course!!!! there will be change for the better, to thinking of course I haven't done enough...and my scan will show it with growth! Or even thinking...despite my best efforts maybe there will be growth anyway.
Its nerve racking!
It's stressful!
It's crazy making!
I will be so glad when it's Thursday night, even if my news isn't what I had hoped, prayed and worked hard for.
I mean come on, how many of you can honestly say you like the unknown? I don't think there are many of us who do.
I work hard every single day to be as positive as I can, while still being realistic. Life can change in a second! Things can change in my body fast and I could recover, or get worse. Time is precious!
Let's remember to make the most of it.
Love ya all.
Danielle

Looking back

Using the CitrusStar to make orange juice, at Hallelujah Acres

My bedroom while there. 

One of the many salads we made. 

Another one...too spicy for me. 

Just like Cheesecake....so good and all raw/plant based. 

My wonderful Hosts....Janis and Ben. Miss them so much. 

Peeling carrots before Juicing them. 

And there you have it. 

Ben talked about these Enchilada's ALL week. He loves them.  They were pretty good. 

Pizza on Rustic Crust with Daiya cheese, and veggies. 

Vegenaise Sauce, Spinach and Daiya Cheese. 

Ben also loves his Chili. 

I taught Damon how to make "sorbet" in the Champion Juicer.

Looking back I really miss my time at Hallelujah Acres. I was relaxed,  calm,  and at ease there.  Ben and Janis were the most wonderful hosts. Their home is beautiful, and they are so good at making one feel at home there. I feel so blessed to have been able to spend two weeks with them. They have great senses of humor!
I enjoy making some of the recipes I learned for my husband and son. I say "and son" but he really doesn't try too much of what I make. I have been finding more alternatives for him, but would still like to get him more on board with a plant based lifestyle.
I know pancakes aren't really plant baed, but I started making my own batter with Organic whole wheat flour, oats, flax seed, egg substitute, baking soda, a dash of cinnamon, and water or rice milk as a base. He does get raw peanut butter and organic maple syrup on them, but he loves them. That has become the new breakfast favorite. He does love fruit, and thats good.
Skipping forward, I switched Doctors. I transferred my care to out in the "valley" closer to home. I got tired of driving in for every 10 minute appt. to discuss scan reports and such, and then end up being on the opposite page as my doctor. Everything else is out here, scans, bloodwork, I figured I should have a Doc out here as well. I met with my new Doc a few days ago, and I really like him. I told him right up front what I am doing a far as lifestyle and he said that is great. He commented when he came in, that I look really good. He said, "you don't look like what I would expect to see when I read this medical record." It was good to hear him say that. He listened to my lungs and said they sound great! Of course bloodwork and CT scans will give us more information.....those are coming.
We had a good visit and I assured him I feel good, have energy and enjoy being able to do things with my son.
I  will keep in touch about tests and results.
In the mean time, enjoy the pictures. they are not fabulous or beautiful, but tell a story for me, so I love them.
Happy June!

This week in Anniversaries

Sunday the 21st was my wedding anniversary. 

8 years!!! 

Some days those years feel so short, like the time went by so fast, too fast. Other days it seems sooo long. Who would have ever thought I would be married for 8 years. And so much has happened in those 8 years. Just as I think, and say out loud occasionally, there just aren't enough hours in each day to get done what I want and need to get done...when I look back on 8 years there seems to be so much time there! 

Time I could have done more with. 

Not that these last 8 years haven't been great, they have held many blessings for me and for John. It just seems we could have squeezed in a little more "doing". 

John and I began our anniversary celebration by going to a movie together a couple of nights before our anniversary. On the actually day of our anniversary we both got up, got ready for church, attended church, came home ate lunch, having both forgotten which day it was!!!! Not until my precious daughter texted me with well wishes for the special day it was, did I remember. I promptly went and gave John a big ol' hug and smooch right in front of Damon!!!! I like to try and gross him out every now and then. but this time he was cheering..kiss more, kiss more! He seems to be in a kissing phase, might have to cut back on his viewing of movies and TV. He has been trying to kiss me and say, let's get married, or let's have a married kiss....hahaha 6 yr old boys! Though it warms my heart when he talks about wanting to marry me, or someone as beautiful as me. awhhh. 

John and I plan on finishing our celebration at the gun range! Of all places. I wanted to get pedicures together, we need them, but he wants me to practice with my new gun, which is a good idea. 

Yesterday however, was the anniversary of my diagnosis with stage IV Colon Cancer. ugh. 

I was sitting outside yesterday afternoon watching my very active son play while I soaked up some sun. While feeling the bright, warming rays on my face it dawned on me that this day three years ago was also a very beautiful day, in Kodiak, Alaska. While my husband and I were driving home from having heard the news, the sun was beating down through the windshield. I wanted nothing more than to go home and get out my lawn chair and sit in that sun the rest of the day, or walk the neighborhood with my son, or take him to the playground. But it wasn't to happen that way. I called my best friend there in Kodiak, Amy Earle, and asked if she and her family could watch Damon for a few hours. I had to go back to the hospital for some tests and scans. I had to drink this big jug of nasty liquid. I told her on the phone I wasn't ok, but would have to fill her in later when Damon wasn't listening...I think. Some details like that slip my mind. Maybe I did tell her right then. I was in such shock that any thought of Damon overhearing me was possibly cast aside. Some of my weaker moments! 

Needless to say Amy and her husband, Jake willingly took Damon, then I went home to drink my gallon of guk, and my mom called while I was there. She had bad news. Her sister had just passed that morning. Mom was crying and so sad, I completely understand, but now I had to give her more bad news. I had to bring her down more. I had to completely ruin her day, week, weekend, month even. I let her talk and when she was done I asked her to sit down. I told her I hated to do this, to grieve her further but I had news of my own. "I have Cancer", I told her. We both started crying, and mom was very upset. When she calmed a little, I asked her to come right away as I was to go into surgery in four days. We needed help with Damon and the home. 

So John and I headed back to town, I don't know what was going through Johns head, but all I could think about was "this is a test of our faith", and "what will my son turn out to be like if I don't raise him?" "how can I miss all the things my son is going to go through in his growing up years?!" I can't!!! I have to be here. 

So, while the beautiful, warm, brilliant sun shone outside, I was inside getting scans, and talking to my doctor. 

I am happy and blessed to be here 3 years later....statistically speaking I shouldn't be. I AM! And I am still fighting statistics. 

I am going to keep fighting. I welcome and appreciate all your happy, positive thoughts, and prayers! 

May you have many "happy" anniversaries. 

love,

Dani

Just when you do one thing...

One thing......being getting my bike down and pumping up the tires, and putting away the winter gear. Just when I do all that, it snows for the second time since we had a week of warmer temps and  a bunch of melting going on.
Two separate weeks of warmer temps. It warmed up, then it snowed.
It warmed up again and that snow melted along with old snow...the ditches have been overflowing and most of the yard was snow free. I even went outside without a coat a few times. Then is started snowing again!
Tricky tricky tricky.
Another trick.....starting a project which involves yarn, thinking you have enough because you bought how much it said you would need for that project...only to run out. Upon returning to that store the yarn you need is GONE! yes, GONE....every last one, in every darn color.
DArn darn darn......
So I picked a different yarn, for a completely different project and bought an extra skein...more than it suggests I would need for the project I am planning. I hope it's enough because with my luck if its not, that yarn won't be available when I return.
This is a lesson one would think I have already learned! Well at least me and my daughter would think so. (right Kaili?!) She is always telling me, if you don't buy it now it probably won't be here next time....not speaking of yarn but clothing or shoes...
I heard back from Mr. Gore though. The author of the book I mentioned in my previous post. He emailed me back and said he is going to call me. Awesome. I look forward to speaking with him.
Happy weekend everyone!
Dani

aaawwwwhhh yum

Well
So much has happened.
I have made a lot of recipes since I have been home, but not all of the ones I learned, yet.
John and Damon seem to already have their favorites and so have made those a few times.
Tonight I made butternut squash soup again...third time,except the second time I made it only potato soup at John's request and added some of the potatoes as chunks.
Chunks were requested.
Chunks were given.
Broccoli was also requested.
Broccoli with added.
John loved it.
Me,
Not so much!!!
I just love the creamy, squashy, soupy, texture and taste.
I dream about what it would taste like coming from a big, warm, melt in my mouth bread bowl.
mmmmm, I can still dream!!!!
Carrot juice doesn't really conjure up many "dreams" of such things, so when I make the soup, I love the moment.
I found these cool flatbread things at the store, they fold in half and make great veggie sandwiches. I have to have pickles on mine! John loved that too!
John and I went to the Great Alaska Sportsmans Show last saturday and looked at the infrared saunas. We ended up at the store later that day to discuss with Linda, the deal we might get on one. When she found out I had Cancer, she gave me a book. "Defeat Cancer: A Battle Plan for Living" by Gregory A. Gore. It's a great book. I am eagerly reading it to get more wonderful information about what to put in my body that can be healing and nutritional.
She gave me his phone number too. I do have questions for him, but didn't feel brave enough to call, so I called Linda and asked if she could supply me with his email address instead. She did, and I just got done emailing me my questions.
I hope I hear back from him soon.
I will let you know.
I have been busy juicing, walking, and Damon and I even went for our first bike ride of the season two night ago. the weather has been nice with Temps in the 40's during the afternoon. Next week will be cooler again, in the 20's. hmmmm, and we thought spring was coming. hahaha, in Alaska the joke is always on us.
The sauna..?
It's therapeutic.
Relaxing.
Warm.
Or hot. 
I love getting in and reading, or just praying, or meditating to relaxing music while I sweat!
It has colored lights so I can turn them according to my mood...blue, green, red, or red and blue, red and green.
It has a cd player too so I can play my relaxing cd's.
mmm so nice.
Blessings to each of you!!!!
Love
Dani

not forgotten

I haven't forgotten about my blog, or my readers. I have just been so very busy since I returned from Hallelujah Acres. I really want to write more on the whole experience and I will...right now it's my bedtime.
I promise I will write before the weekend.
Thank you for being patient.
Dani