I guess that's it.

        I guess that's it for summer. We returned from a trip to Fairbanks and went through a snow "storm". It was actually sticking to the ground. Not what we wanted to see. Back home the mountain tops were dusted with the cold wet white stuff. Of course it melted, but still...it's a sign.

The berries have been picked. That is a sure sign that summer is ending...blueberries are ready. It's time to pick, wash, freeze, and then bake later when it's snowing and cold out.

The carrots are being harvested from the garden! Doesn't that look yummy?

It is yumm. So sweet and crunchy. My first homegrown carrots ever. And I am delighted to share them with this sweet little girl! The greens were being shared with the puppy though you can't see that in here. 

Family came to visit and left already. We had lots of company this summer. So sad to see them go.

Laughs were had,

Trouble was made,

hugs were given,

trees were cut down,

the house was full,

though it was stressful,

it was sooooo worth it.

So good to see family, friends, pick berries, and even see snow.

Now my son is going to Kindergarten and riding the bus.

 I am beginning to wonder if I now have TOO much time on my hands.

Or should I say mind?

Not having him around talking all day, getting into everything, gives my mind down time to think about all the things I haven't been thinking about,

or have been avoiding thinking about,

or don't want to think about.

Maybe that is why I thrive on chaos...it's keeps my mind out of the places I don't want it to be.

Believe me when I say it though, chaos is not gone from my day, there is always plenty to go around. I'd be happy to share some.

Now come on, I know I can't possibly be the only one out there who has chaos on their life.  Can I? Yea, I know I'm not! I knew it.

I am thinking about writing a book about "bad germs" for kids. It's very difficult to think about how I would approach it, because for me, that's the only way I have described my Cancer to Damon so far. How do you define Cancer to a 5 yr old without scaring the spunk out of them? Hmmm? Suggestions? I guess as long as we are "managing" my illness that is the only way I will define it to him, as "bad germs", really bad ones.

But, back to a book....If I ever really get around to it, I will need an illustrator, and publisher. Suggestions again....?

Blessings to you!!!!



Evidence of the end of summer season

Today I said goodbye to my Kaili girl. She had to return to Fairbanks for another year in college.

Tomorrow I say goodbye to my son Damon (for the day anyway, and each school day of the week) as he starts kindergarten.

Tuesday I might be feeling better about all of this.

Or not.

Who knows.

All I know right now is both my kids are excited to be off on their adventures. I should just be HAPPY and sigh...Lord knows me best and how much I have always loved loved loved a good adventure out on my own.

I will be grateful that my two kiddos take after me in that way!

I have good things to look forward to though and that helps tremendously.

My dad is visiting at the end of Sept at which time Kaili says she may come for a weekend. yay!

Two for one.

And before I know it, it will be Christmas break. Yikes.

For now though I will deal with today and tomorrow, and this week. One day at a time, but Keep Moving Forward.

Sad To me

It's a sad day for me. I have been doing a lot of thinking, and weighing of options, and self talking. I have been having a really diffucult time lately at home with everything that 's going on, and honestly, with Damon~! He has been trying my patience to the max, and pushing every botton I have....repeatedly.

So, as many of you know I have been planning on homeschooling DAmon for years now. Well, today that all changed. I have decided that for now...a few months, or the whole school year I am going to send him to Kindergarten. He's going to ride the bus and everything. I need time to feel better emotionally and get in a "better place" with myself before I can tackle homeschooling with Damon.

This decision makes me feel very sad, but I also feel it is very necessary right now. My emotional state has been deteriorating fast and I need to get back on track...as best I can anyway.

Just to make my pride feel better...I want you to know this decision has nothing to do with not feeling competent to teach my son, and everything to do with us both getting to a better place before I am willing to try to teach him.

that's all I can say about it at this time.

Sad Panda Mamma!!!

Oh so not in the mood...

Ugh...I am so not in the mood for anything remotely resembling writing in a blog right now, but it's been a long time since I wrote anything.
I have had one of those days today! The kind where I wonder what the heck I am doing even thinking about homeschooling my son. Who do I think I am anyway? What right do I have to keep him from the experience of having to sit still in a desk, in a row, in a room with (probably) no windows. To keep him from being told to draw now, color it this color, read later, don't talk, tie your shoes because you are a kindergartener....all that sort of stuff.
How dare I deprive him of riding the bus with big bullies, who could most definitely put him in his place, right?
Well, I wasn't quite thinking of it in these terms, but more like, how about just letting the school deal with him all day....lol!
Nah, seriously, I was at the end of my mommy rope today though. He is SO naughty sometimes it makes me cry and want to pull my hair out. It makes me wonder what exactly am I supposed to be learning from this experience.


Patience? not happening (consistanly anyway)

Love? got lots of that

Persistance? Could use it better

Discipline? I am trying

Follow Through? Working on it too

Stick to-itiveness? Yeah.....hmmmm

Sanity? Losing it fast it feels at times

It is difficult on days like today to remember to charish every moment, soak it all in, live life to the fullest, etc etc...But then I head to the grocery store and totally miss dinnertime as well as my littleman going to bed (well he was grounded to his room all evening anyway) and I feel more sad in a different way. I didn't get to scratch his back, read him a book, snuggle him, sing to him, talk about whatever.
Thank goodness for now I still have "tomorrow". I will try again and start all over. I will do my best to love, teach, be kind, have patience, follow through with discipline, and not yell so much. I will try to keep him engaged as much as possible throughout the day and see what happens.

In other news, CT scan coming up on Sept 5th. Nerves are kicking in. I have no idea what to expect. I am trying to give up having any expectations...

Perspective

Had a short but very sweet visit with a great friend today. I hadn't realized how much I missed this friend during the 5 years I was away from the Anchorage area until coming back and spending time with her again.

This friend of mine is continuously amazed at what she perceives as my "'positive attitude" about my cancer. She is always asking me how I could possibly still be obsessed with my weight, or concerned with things my husband "doesn't" do, or worrying about cheating on my diet, such as it is.

We talked about these things today, and she helped me to put things in perpective. She has been through a fair amount of her own personal trials and has learned much from them...learned things that help her to move on, keep moving forward, keep a smile on her face, and find humor in every day.

Funny she see's me this way now...when I met her that is how I saw her...always happy, always cheerful, full of spunk, like nothing could get her down or hold her back. Boy...I didn't know her so well then. It helps me...not knowing others suffer, but knowing that we ALL have things to work through no matter how we appear to others, on the outside. We ALL have demons, faults, fears, weaknesses, trials, struggles, and challenges. We ALL handle them differently.

My friend had some wonderfully intuitive words of wisdom for me today. I am going to do my best to take them to heart and do something to apply them to my daily life so that What people see when they are around me is the true me. I'm going to tap into my inner strength to accept my weaknesses and fears. I will draw on my faith to help me, and the strength of others until I feel stronger.

Thank you Susan K...thank you SO much for letting me into your home, heart, and sharing your friendship with me. Love you and your family.

Dani