wouldn't it be amazing?

I have been thinking a lot more about my diet and lifestyle since keeping up with my friends' blog, 3inspiringsons.com, and watching "Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead".
I have done so much research and reading, and watching documentaries in the last year it's Aaaamazing how most of it points in the same direction.....plant based diet! Not just to cleanse, but to heal, boost, fuel, and energize your body.
What I feel after watching "Fat Sick and Nearly Dead" is how LIBERATING it would feel/be to just eat veggies and fruits, in juice or smoothies, or soups, or just in salad. How amazing it would feel/be to not have to ever worry about or think about any other foods. There would be less frustrating choices to make at the store, and at home when preparing meals for family, making school lunches for kids.
Then I think, well, that WOUld be liberating however, it also scares me to think of never eating another pizza, or Ben and Jerries, I do so love those two men!, or having popcorn and candy at the movies.
I don't think it's so much being scared of not having those things, it's more about the emotions those things feed. Like my friend Amy, I have food issues I have struggled with for YRS! It's not easy to just move on. It's important, but not easy. But wouldn't it just be so amazing? Liberating? Freeing? Easy?
The fact does remain though that eating lots of produce in alaska is expensive. It's just not cheap. And it's hard to find good produce some days. How grand it would be to live somewhere warm where there are produce stands everywhere.
But where I live is not on topic here today.
I vow to do my best each day to eat more and more plant based foods and cut out processed foods. I thank my friend, Amy, for doing her blog and juice fast and inspiring me to get back on the wagon! I have as good a reason as anyone for needing to do this, I have cancer and want to help my body heal itself as much as possible. You would think that with my own life on the line it would be easier for me...but I guess my food issues override even that. Must deal with those!
Can't wait to get my strawberries!

Forgive me

Forgive me for not writing in such a long time. I was sick for awhile, then sick some more, then just plain discouraged.
I got sick with a cold of some sort...got an ear infection, ear pain continued in non-infected ear, got treatment when I shouldn't have because my white blood counts were way down. I had to take a shot of nulasta to up the counts. The shot itself didn't hurt, it was a few days later that my whole body ached....really bad. And the ache lasted for several days. So uncomfortable. It also happened to be Easter weekend and I ended up feeling lousy East Sunday. My poor boy Damon was a bit disappointed that I spent so much of that day on the couch.
After all that, I just didn't feel like writing.
for awhile.
So now here I am writing again. I have been reading my friend Amy's blog about her and her family's experience with a juice fast. It's been an amazing journey for them and for me to read. They suggested watching the video "Fat, Sick, And NEarly Dead" on netflix or hulu. It took me the whole first half of THEIR fast for me to get to watching it.
I watched it last night with Damon...who fell asleep one third of the way through it. It proved to be very interesting. While I am not sure that juicing full time for any length of time is right for me, I do feel more motivated to get back on track with my own diet. And I don't mean "diet" as in weight watchers. I mean diet as in what I eat. One year ago I was doing really well on smoothies, leaving behind dairy, meat, and most sugar. I lost 10 lbs promptly. Then summer hit and s'mores, cookouts, and soda were all around me. It was so hard. I held fast for awhile, then slowly over time started having a bite of this, a bite of that, a piece of birthday cake, a sip of soda. Before I knew it I was struggling to get back on track with my desire to eat only plant based foods, in other words being a Vegan.
Today I am a bad Vegan. I eat chocolate, take bites of Damon's pizza, his yogurt, and even ate a burger once from the dreaded McDonalds. I can't believe I just wrote that.!!!! Please don't tell anyone. lol
Chocolate isn't necessarily not vegan, but if I am giving up sugar then it is bad for me.
It's all the more difficult when I am the ONLY one in my household willing to eat the way I know I need to. Even Damon used to eat salads a lot more than he does today. I was doing so well encouraging him and watching him join me to a certain degree in my new lifestyle. Slowly but surely I started letting him go back to certain foods because it was easier than arguing. And during the long hard winter we had, it was, frankly, comforting.
So, now that I have been reading and following my friend Amy's journey and finally watched "Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead" I feel a renewed commitment and desire to do what I know is right. Today I had two large smoothies made with spinach, kale, cucumber, carrot, blueberries, and strawberries. For dinner I had cauliflower mixed with some quinoa. I feel full but not bloated. Just satisfied. I remember when I got cravings last spring I would go to bed and read so I wouldn't be near the kitchen. I may have to return to that. Also now that it's light so late, I could take late evening walks with my dog to get out, and get moving at the same time.
So, here is to getting back on track!!!!! One Day at a time, but lets make each one count.
Each one is so precious!

just sitting

I am currently sitting in the large beanbag we have out in the garage. It's Damon's Ultimate Sak. I am watching while Bode walks on the treadmill. Well I guess I am not really watching cuz I am writing. But alas, I AM sitting. I should be the one on the treadmill but was thinking more along the lines of a walking video. the dogs really need the treadmill or else they wreak havoc in the house all day rough housing. I really can't have that. With little Ava walking around and Damon adding to the fray by teasing it could easily get out of control. It does somedays. If I have things to keep me occupied while the dogs walk, then it's not so bad lounging around in the garage while they do. Ava sits in her little chair and I lay or sit on the bean bag, and Damon plays with our stuff...pieces of wood, food, tools, etc.....Sometimes the garage becomes a store and I have to buy food, that's already been purchased by me, from Damon.
It's all good. Ava gets a snack, Damon gets to play, the dogs get their exercise, and I get to watch it all. Or play around on the computer or iPad.
Now it's almost lunchtime so when the dogs are done we will have lunch, then naps. Or quiet time.
I'm feeling a little better today than I was yesterday. One day at a time.
Have a great weekend everyone!!!
love,
Dani

Where is me?

Lately I have been feeling like I don't know me anymore. I don't like me anymore. I don't feel like me anymore. Wondering where is me? Where is the me I used to know? Every now and then I get a quick shimmery glance of that me, but then it fades fast and this new me is there...is it even me I wonder? I didn't ask for this. I didn't plan on this. I don't WANT this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don' t know if it's me feeling sorry for myself, or me feeling downright lousy.
I have had a bad cold/flu thing going on for two weeks or more now, at least through 2 treatments and it's really getting old. Plus, the longer I am in treatment, the harder it is to discern what part of not feeling good is from treatment, and what part is from something else? It's not hard (for me) to understand the difficulty here as some of the meds do make me have flu like symptoms for a day or two, but I have forgotten which days, and I have been feeling that way for over 2 wks, so I am sure it's something else. Ears backed up with fluid, stuffy nose (now that is due to both for sure), headaches, achy muscles and joints, coughing.
If I could just take the cold/flu thing and drop the Cancer, I would be sick for a few more weeks....if I KNEW that there was an end. And not an end where I am not here.
I am so sick of this. Don't worry folks, I am not giving up, just putting my serious lack of enthusiasm for treatment and cancer out there.
This is not how I envisioned my future when I was younger. When I had my son life was GREAT. I was so blessed and felt so happy. I was so excited to get to be a mom again. Little did I know that after having him  was when this started growing in me. If only some of the signs had been STRONGer, more severe, to where I had things checked out, I might have been only stage I or II and things would have a better outlook today. But that wasn't in the cards for me. For some reason...I went to stage IV and am now fighting for my life in a big way.
I will never forget what I said to John as soon as the Doctor walked out of the room to give us a few moments. He had his head down, crying silent, but scared and angry tears, and I leaned down and said "John, this is a test of our Faith! This is a chance to show our Heavenly Father what we are made of."
I didn't cry then. I don't remember when I cried, maybe when I told my mom and dad on the phone. Maybe not even then. Maybe when John and I knelt in prayer that night is when I cried. Damon would have been in bed where I couldn't scare him with my tears of disbelief, anger, sadness, and fear.
I still feel all those things. I just don't cry them out every day.
But I am way off subject now. Well, maybe not...that day, the day the Doctor told us is the very day I started losing my grasp on the me I used to know. I was so strong the day before that...Hadn't I just lost 22 lbs and worked out all winter with my friend Amy? Hadn't I been eating what I thought was healthy, and swimming, and training for a triathlon? Ooooh I fondly remember how strong my legs were then, the muscle all defined and firm. I WANT that back. I want me back. I want my old life back. I want to rewind the clock, or the calendar.
My Doctor told me I am probably looking at doing intermittent chemo for the rest of my life....whatever that is. That very thought gives me pause.....will I EVER be strong again? Will I ever have enough time in between "rounds" to get back in shape? I want these things! I want life! I want my life! I am just going to have to work harder this time, be stronger, be kinder to myself, be more patient, be more dedicated.
GO
FIGHT
WIN
or at least
GO
FIGHT
FINISH
Love you guys. Keep reading...I will try to write more frequently.
Dani

Less (is more?)

Less is more. We have all heard this saying, right? I have been thinking this week about

Me with Less.

Me with Less:

Hair

This is the style I am thinking of.

Ok, getting on with it....I get sidetracked easily.

Me with LESS:

weight(Susan K. I can hear you now...)

stress

dogs

house

dog poop

chemo

stress

CANCER

fatigue

flab

winter

snow

darkness

chaos

chest

bills

debt

unexpected expenses

vet bills

stress

dirty dishes

laundry

LESS of all this would possibly mean More to me!

More

Peace

free time

spending money

stamina

health

sun

savings

green grass to play on

time to read

time to play

dreams coming true

energy

time to spend with Damon

relaxation

calm

So, Less is More!

Love to you all!

Thanks for being my readers.

Dani



Endless?

This Chemo does seem endless!!

 I do have to say though that I get treated like a queen when I come home that night and the few days after. My littleman, Damon is so attentive. He is learning to use the toaster over so he likes to make me toast, cut me bananas and oranges and whatever other fruit we might have on hand. He serves me on a plate with a TV tray, and when I finish he clears my place. He even gets me water. Endless this could be, I wouldn't mind. He is such a little gentleman. I never ask him to do these things. I am more likely to ask him to fetch me a book, my phone, glasses, take things to the trash...all of which he does as well.

So to brag a bit more on a day I do'nt feel good...he is reading!!!! My precious kindergartener is reading. It's wonderful to see him process this developmental milestone. I know I wAS NOT reading in K. I was fingerpainting, singing, playing...listening to stories but not reading them.

And he loves all things non fiction! He can tell you almost anything you want to know about the Titanic, and frogs, bugs, dolphins, etc...

I am so proud to be his momma. I pray I will be around for many more milestones. I love them! I love him! I love life ( not so much on chemo weeks)!

 

sleepless nights

This is where John and I sleep now. It's a KING! And I have all new pillows thanks to my mom!!! thank you for the birthday pillows. Now I can sit up in bed and read to DAmon, and to myself. I can roll over from my spot to the middle. I don't have to roll in the same spot. (John still hugs his edge, so that works out for me!!!)

Ari on the other hand, thinks now she is queen of getting to sleep in the bed. I haven't yet decided how much energy to exert pushing her off repeatedly! I like to spread my legs our without running into any obstacles. I got flannel sheets from Costco, they are heavenly.

All this and  you would think I would not be having anymore sleepless nights right?

Wrong!

Well it's not that my whole night is sleepless. It's just that my sleep gets interrupted repeatedly, and not just because of ARI.

I check on Damon.

I go to the bathroom.

I check on Damon

I go to the bathroom.

I get a drink.

I lay with Damon, thus loosing at least an hour in my own bed.

I take the dogs out.

I listen to John's CPAP machine.

I worry about Bode's aggression with ARi.

I worry about my next treatment.

I go to the bathroom.

I worry about my family.

I get a headache.

yikes!!!!

And the worst nights always seem to be the ones I take a sleep aid...then I am up and down more.

Crazy how that works.

So, for those of  you not on my facebook, and who I might not have emailed, I am trying to win tickets to dierks bentley concert. Please.......

go to Kash1075

click on dierks

click on view photos and vote

my two photos are of Damon with fish. titled "me and my dollies" and "fishin with dad". you can vote once a day, every day. The rating system is rating the photo. 5 being the best. Please vote 5 on each photo, each day if you can remember.

I really want to go to this concert and winning the tickets would be GREAT fun.

Thanks for reading, Thanks for loving, Thanks for praying, Thanks for positive thoughts, Thanks for supporting me and my family, Thanks for being you.

Blessings to you!!!!!

Dani