just sitting

I am currently sitting in the large beanbag we have out in the garage. It's Damon's Ultimate Sak. I am watching while Bode walks on the treadmill. Well I guess I am not really watching cuz I am writing. But alas, I AM sitting. I should be the one on the treadmill but was thinking more along the lines of a walking video. the dogs really need the treadmill or else they wreak havoc in the house all day rough housing. I really can't have that. With little Ava walking around and Damon adding to the fray by teasing it could easily get out of control. It does somedays. If I have things to keep me occupied while the dogs walk, then it's not so bad lounging around in the garage while they do. Ava sits in her little chair and I lay or sit on the bean bag, and Damon plays with our stuff...pieces of wood, food, tools, etc.....Sometimes the garage becomes a store and I have to buy food, that's already been purchased by me, from Damon.
It's all good. Ava gets a snack, Damon gets to play, the dogs get their exercise, and I get to watch it all. Or play around on the computer or iPad.
Now it's almost lunchtime so when the dogs are done we will have lunch, then naps. Or quiet time.
I'm feeling a little better today than I was yesterday. One day at a time.
Have a great weekend everyone!!!
love,
Dani

Where is me?

Lately I have been feeling like I don't know me anymore. I don't like me anymore. I don't feel like me anymore. Wondering where is me? Where is the me I used to know? Every now and then I get a quick shimmery glance of that me, but then it fades fast and this new me is there...is it even me I wonder? I didn't ask for this. I didn't plan on this. I don't WANT this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don' t know if it's me feeling sorry for myself, or me feeling downright lousy.
I have had a bad cold/flu thing going on for two weeks or more now, at least through 2 treatments and it's really getting old. Plus, the longer I am in treatment, the harder it is to discern what part of not feeling good is from treatment, and what part is from something else? It's not hard (for me) to understand the difficulty here as some of the meds do make me have flu like symptoms for a day or two, but I have forgotten which days, and I have been feeling that way for over 2 wks, so I am sure it's something else. Ears backed up with fluid, stuffy nose (now that is due to both for sure), headaches, achy muscles and joints, coughing.
If I could just take the cold/flu thing and drop the Cancer, I would be sick for a few more weeks....if I KNEW that there was an end. And not an end where I am not here.
I am so sick of this. Don't worry folks, I am not giving up, just putting my serious lack of enthusiasm for treatment and cancer out there.
This is not how I envisioned my future when I was younger. When I had my son life was GREAT. I was so blessed and felt so happy. I was so excited to get to be a mom again. Little did I know that after having him  was when this started growing in me. If only some of the signs had been STRONGer, more severe, to where I had things checked out, I might have been only stage I or II and things would have a better outlook today. But that wasn't in the cards for me. For some reason...I went to stage IV and am now fighting for my life in a big way.
I will never forget what I said to John as soon as the Doctor walked out of the room to give us a few moments. He had his head down, crying silent, but scared and angry tears, and I leaned down and said "John, this is a test of our Faith! This is a chance to show our Heavenly Father what we are made of."
I didn't cry then. I don't remember when I cried, maybe when I told my mom and dad on the phone. Maybe not even then. Maybe when John and I knelt in prayer that night is when I cried. Damon would have been in bed where I couldn't scare him with my tears of disbelief, anger, sadness, and fear.
I still feel all those things. I just don't cry them out every day.
But I am way off subject now. Well, maybe not...that day, the day the Doctor told us is the very day I started losing my grasp on the me I used to know. I was so strong the day before that...Hadn't I just lost 22 lbs and worked out all winter with my friend Amy? Hadn't I been eating what I thought was healthy, and swimming, and training for a triathlon? Ooooh I fondly remember how strong my legs were then, the muscle all defined and firm. I WANT that back. I want me back. I want my old life back. I want to rewind the clock, or the calendar.
My Doctor told me I am probably looking at doing intermittent chemo for the rest of my life....whatever that is. That very thought gives me pause.....will I EVER be strong again? Will I ever have enough time in between "rounds" to get back in shape? I want these things! I want life! I want my life! I am just going to have to work harder this time, be stronger, be kinder to myself, be more patient, be more dedicated.
GO
FIGHT
WIN
or at least
GO
FIGHT
FINISH
Love you guys. Keep reading...I will try to write more frequently.
Dani

Less (is more?)

Less is more. We have all heard this saying, right? I have been thinking this week about

Me with Less.

Me with Less:

Hair

This is the style I am thinking of.

Ok, getting on with it....I get sidetracked easily.

Me with LESS:

weight(Susan K. I can hear you now...)

stress

dogs

house

dog poop

chemo

stress

CANCER

fatigue

flab

winter

snow

darkness

chaos

chest

bills

debt

unexpected expenses

vet bills

stress

dirty dishes

laundry

LESS of all this would possibly mean More to me!

More

Peace

free time

spending money

stamina

health

sun

savings

green grass to play on

time to read

time to play

dreams coming true

energy

time to spend with Damon

relaxation

calm

So, Less is More!

Love to you all!

Thanks for being my readers.

Dani



Endless?

This Chemo does seem endless!!

 I do have to say though that I get treated like a queen when I come home that night and the few days after. My littleman, Damon is so attentive. He is learning to use the toaster over so he likes to make me toast, cut me bananas and oranges and whatever other fruit we might have on hand. He serves me on a plate with a TV tray, and when I finish he clears my place. He even gets me water. Endless this could be, I wouldn't mind. He is such a little gentleman. I never ask him to do these things. I am more likely to ask him to fetch me a book, my phone, glasses, take things to the trash...all of which he does as well.

So to brag a bit more on a day I do'nt feel good...he is reading!!!! My precious kindergartener is reading. It's wonderful to see him process this developmental milestone. I know I wAS NOT reading in K. I was fingerpainting, singing, playing...listening to stories but not reading them.

And he loves all things non fiction! He can tell you almost anything you want to know about the Titanic, and frogs, bugs, dolphins, etc...

I am so proud to be his momma. I pray I will be around for many more milestones. I love them! I love him! I love life ( not so much on chemo weeks)!

 

sleepless nights

This is where John and I sleep now. It's a KING! And I have all new pillows thanks to my mom!!! thank you for the birthday pillows. Now I can sit up in bed and read to DAmon, and to myself. I can roll over from my spot to the middle. I don't have to roll in the same spot. (John still hugs his edge, so that works out for me!!!)

Ari on the other hand, thinks now she is queen of getting to sleep in the bed. I haven't yet decided how much energy to exert pushing her off repeatedly! I like to spread my legs our without running into any obstacles. I got flannel sheets from Costco, they are heavenly.

All this and  you would think I would not be having anymore sleepless nights right?

Wrong!

Well it's not that my whole night is sleepless. It's just that my sleep gets interrupted repeatedly, and not just because of ARI.

I check on Damon.

I go to the bathroom.

I check on Damon

I go to the bathroom.

I get a drink.

I lay with Damon, thus loosing at least an hour in my own bed.

I take the dogs out.

I listen to John's CPAP machine.

I worry about Bode's aggression with ARi.

I worry about my next treatment.

I go to the bathroom.

I worry about my family.

I get a headache.

yikes!!!!

And the worst nights always seem to be the ones I take a sleep aid...then I am up and down more.

Crazy how that works.

So, for those of  you not on my facebook, and who I might not have emailed, I am trying to win tickets to dierks bentley concert. Please.......

go to Kash1075

click on dierks

click on view photos and vote

my two photos are of Damon with fish. titled "me and my dollies" and "fishin with dad". you can vote once a day, every day. The rating system is rating the photo. 5 being the best. Please vote 5 on each photo, each day if you can remember.

I really want to go to this concert and winning the tickets would be GREAT fun.

Thanks for reading, Thanks for loving, Thanks for praying, Thanks for positive thoughts, Thanks for supporting me and my family, Thanks for being you.

Blessings to you!!!!!

Dani

Time passes

I have my ups and downs with this blog. I get on a roll, posting several days in a row and then I go on hiatus! I want to be more consistant. I talk about consistancy, I strive for it, I look for it. But for some reason with this project it escapes me. Actually as with most projects these days, consistancy escapes me. I am the most consistant when it comes to parenting Damon. And don't let that comment fool you. I mess up a lot. I slip, I let things slide...yep I am a pretty normal parent. I don't even take pictures and videos consistantly like I would like to.

I seem these days to be getting by...do a little laundry, do a load of dishes, make dinner once or twice a week for john, vacuum sometimes, clean off the desk once every few months. John must think I am just a slacker when it comes to housework. I am doing my best. Some days I just don't have the energy...I do one or the other thing. it's either dishes, or laundry, maybe not both. lol

I am attempting to do less on the days I really don't feel good and in return, do more on the days I feel good, but guess what? Do you ever run into this? There ISNT enough time in the day. I try to plan, prioritize, and somehow I still run out of time. Maybe I am still sitting around too much. I think part of that is winter. It's easy to do up here in Alaska where it's cold, dark, icy out, windy, and snowy. It's easy to let oneself hibernate. I try not to. It helps having Damon around, he keeps me on my toes.

My mom bought these little ankle weights, the kind that are filled with sand or some such thing and they velcro around the ankle, know what I mean? Anyway, they are about 1.5 lbs each. I had Damon put one around each ankle and go up and down the stairs. He talked about how they were heavy and made it difficult. bingo. I was letting him know that is how Mommy's legs feel after I get treatment...tired and heavy. That is why I don't like going up and down the stairs if I don't have to. I wanted him to start to understand a little bit about what the meds do to my body. He didn't seem too terribly interested, but I think in the back of his mind he will mull it over and put two and two together.

Speaking of putting 2 and 2 together....Bode is working on it. He has a ways to go, but boy can this boy jump and smell. He has a good sniffer this one.

Poised and ready.......

 And legs meant for jumping....

And the jump....this boy can jump, and he has a GREAT nose on him.

 And a face to love!!!

Had to cool off a minute.

 And then there is Ari...So sweet and pretty.

Can't pass a good photo op of the blonde beauty.

I vow

Anyone seen any good movies lately? Any GREAT ones? Sherlock Holmes 2 was really good. The Help was good. War Horse was really good. I love a good movie. I don't like the cost of going to a good movie. Despite this cost, I VOW to enjoy myself when I got to see The Vow on the 10th with my hubby. My mom will be in town ( have treatment the 8th) so we have a babysitter. I don't know if I vow to not eat the popcorn, though the way my mouth feels will more than likely interfere with consuming more than two bites.
I am not looking forward the treatment and the tiredness after, but am SO looking forward to the movie night. John and I need to Vow to go on more dates. Lately a date for us is sitting next to each other on the couch and watching the news and then Jay Leno after DAmon is in bed. wooo hooo, makes for real blood pumping romance....Not! hahaha
I recently made reservations for us to go the Wyndam resort in New Braunfels Texas in August. We need to get away. It will be hot, but that's ok, we plan on going to Schlitterbahn, the waterpark, where we can cool down. I can't wait to go!
What movies have you seen lately?
What dates have you been on?
Where do you like to vacation?
I vow to read your responses. :)