way too early

It's way too early to up, but I just can't sleep long in the morning. My new "normal" routine is up between 4-6am, look around on the computer for awhile, then I might lay down on the couch and go back to sleep.

 Hopefully. 

I am just not as comfortable on our mattress as I used to be. Especially if I have pain. I kinda love my new spot on the couch with my heat pad against my back. I say love, but it's all relative. 

I would love to love my mattress. 

I would rather love getting up and exercising, or being more active during the day with my son.

 I would love having no pain or discomfort. 

I have had pain the past, but never the kind that stayed long. IT would be something like a sore muscle, a slipped disc, a sore spot from bumping into something, never a chronic pain. I never understood what people with chronic pain went through until lately. It's really hard. It messes with your psyche. It can bring you down if you let it. For me it really emphasizes who I am "not" anymore. I used to be an active, strong, healthy woman. 

Now I have to be strong mentally because I am not strong physically. 

Some friends of mine came over yesterday to video tape me and asked what my hope is for the future. I mentioned spending time with my family, creating more memories, etc...I also want to be and feel strong again so I can actively participate in fun activities such as Kayaking, hiking, biking, even long walks. My son and I love to take bike rides. My daughter or husband and I love to kayak. And we all love to go 4-wheeling. 

Last fall I put Damon in horseback riding lessons, I got to ride too and learn things I didn't know when I was a teenager and had a horse of my own. I am hoping this summer to join the instructor on some long day rides. It would be so fun for me, but I have to be comfortable. 

I hope and pray that the treatments I get in Mexico will afford me these things. 

I pray it will buy me time I don't have right now.

 I pray it can at the very least help keep the cancer at bay, stable and not growing or spreading. 

I pray while I am gone my family will be watched over and have peace in their hearts. 

Cheers to a healthy future!

Danielle

It's becoming real

Fundraising efforts are underway, ideas are rolling and people are stepping up to help. In many ways besides just fundraising. 
I am feeling so very Blessed today! Despite my aching back, my painful spots in abdominal area, I know I am truly blessed. There are not just good people out there, but GREAT people. Humble, charitable, generous people. I am thinking of the Widows Mite right now, even though she had virtually nothing, she gave all she had. 
Heavenly Father is working in my life now and always, and I am so grateful for his love, sacrifice, and support of me. 
A few sites to go to if you want to read about where I am going:
http://www.iwhclinic.com/
http://www.mexicancancerclinics.com (click on Integrative Whole Health)

This next one I just found, and Marla Manhart is the woman I have been speaking with to coordinate my stay. It's worth reading. 
http://ologsinquito.hubpages.com/hub/Americans-Go-South-of-the-Border-for-Cancer-Treatment

So if you are wanting to read more about what I am doing and why, visit these sites. 
Have a Blessed weekend. 
Danielle

Almost there

Now that I have been researching and talking to family and gathering a fundraising team, things are really starting to roll. 
I had a meeting at my house last night to brainstorm fundraising ideas....it went GREAT!!!! So many showed up with good ideas, lots of support and love, and helping hands. I think this is actually going to be fun. 
Also, through my research I have made a decision on which clinic I want to go to. There were more than I originally thought, so I ended up talking with Doctors from a total of four clinics. I prayed about it, and I discussed each one with my family and have made my decision. Now I have to make sure they can take me the dates I want to go. 
I will actually be taking a loan to go and continue fundraising to pay that back. Timing is everything and the longer I wait, the less success we may have. I need to go sooner rather than later. 
Pray
Pray 
Pray 
for me that we get positive outcomes from this. 
I will continue with my positive attitude and build on it, make it even stronger. I have to admit it has been flagging lately. 
If anyone has a special talent that could be utilized for a silent auction or any sort of fundraiser let me know. If you have connections, we have ideas. Today I am writing up a little bio on myself (not necessarily my favorite thing to do) and one women who knows the manager of the local credit union (all in the area), will put up cans in each branch for collecting donations.  If you are motivated and would be interested in doing things in your community let me know and I can make sure you get a copy of my bio. 
In any event I thank you for your prayers, positive thoughts and love. 
Please continue to share this blog with others.
I will be posting a video story soon. 
Love, Dani

picture memories

These pictures are in no particular order. I have just been reminiscing about old times. Happier, healthier times.  

fishing in Ketchikan

Me and Kaili

Fun catch and release times, and look at my long hair. Miss that.

How could you, I am not even awake yet. Thanks mom!!! Not. 

Love that girl. 

Looking forward to meeting Christopher
Damon!!!!

Oh look, here he is, a few months old already! and such a handsome lion. 

Brother and Sister love!

This pretty much sums  up my son. Even these days, and he is 7 1/2 now. He has just moved on from dogs water to other things. lol 

MMMM Mommy loves you son. 

Our Ari girl before we even knew she would be ours. 

Home At Last!

Wednesday:
After three weeks on the North Slope, my husband is home. He missed Christmas and New Years Eve with us. As well as a one night visit from one of his older sons. We missed him. Now that he is here he is up to his usually antics. Riling up my dogs, vacuuming, cleaning in general; and taking care of me. I think my body realized it was okay now to let go. This morning I woke up not feeling so great. We were getting ready to head to Anchorage and I told him to go without me. He took Damon and I just slept and slept. I haven't been able to do that for three weeks. 
It felt good. 
We then had a good friend in our neighborhood bring dinner over. It was delicious. 
Tomorrow evening John and I will be going on a movie date.                                                   
Thursday: It's now Thursday, so date night is tonight. Or movie night. That's what I am more inclined to call it, since that is all we will be doing, going to a movie. Next date will be my choice and it will not involve a movie. 
My low back on left side has been aching like crazy since yesterday afternoon. Advil barely takes the throbbing away. Don't know what it is, but it's very discomforting. 
Thankful to have John home to fill in when I can't, and Thankful for my kids whom I love and adore. Thankful for a loving Heavenly Father who helps give me the strength i need each day. 
Thankful to be here today! 
Dani

Can't think of them anymore

I had some decent titles for posts, but now that I am actually sitting here with my computer I can't think of any of them. Figures. 

I have been going through a vast array of emotions the last week or more. Each day is varied. I can start off feeling good and end the day feeling like crap. Or I could start off feeling like crap, then end the day feeling better. Emotionally, I am up and down also. More up than down. Thanks to my loving Heavenly Father, who's tender mercies are around me every day. 

Sometimes, more challenging than my health, is the challenge of my son. This morning, like most mornings, he was LOUD, screaming and yelling just to make noise. We got off to a bad start with him not listening and I got frustrated. So, I told him while he was going to be noisy and disrespectful, I was going to crawl back into my bed. When he was ready to do some learning, he could come get me. He came in right away and said he was ready. I informed him he wasn't, and for that matter neither was I. He said he was hungry so I suggested he go downstairs and get himself a bowl of cheerios. He ran off while sounding excited to do that. I lay in bed and listen while he continued to yell and holler at full velocity for at least 20 minutes. MY throat was getting soar just listening to him. All of a sudden, it was quiet! I waited another 5 minutes before venturing downstairs to investigate and make sure Damon was indeed ready to remain quiet enough to start some learning! He was. Finally! I don't know what is going on in his mind/body to possess him to be SO loud like that. It's unnerving. I had to really force myself to stay in bed and wait it out. I wanted nothing more than to go down, grab him by the ear and put him out on the front porch! I restrained myself. This time. haha

I don't like times like that. I want so much to treasure every moment, but moments like this morning are very trying, and difficult to treasure. Thank goodness we were able to move on from there.  We started with a prayer, then some scripture reading before diving into his curriculum. The rest of the day went better. 

I am looking forward to John returning from work as we have so much to discuss. The results of my scan, whether or not to return to treatment, the possibility of going to Mexico for their alternative treatments. And so much more. Not to mention having my hubby back, and another adult around all day to give me a quick break as I require one. Or a long break! 

Speaking of my scan, there was growth! I hate the idea that there is growth while on Chemo. It doesn't sit well with me. I have one more chemo drug to try and I am contemplating trying it while I am making my plans for Mexico. It comes in a pill form that you take for 21 days then have 7 off. There would be no going in for infusions! I like that idea. I just have to research again the side effects. I would hate the thought of it making me nauseous and sick for 21 days running. 

Then again, I may just opt to not return to chemo before going to Mexico. Some of the side effects are cumulative and are still effecting me from another drug I took over a year ago.  Maybe even two years ago. 

It does make me nervous to think about not doing chemo, but at this point I feel like quality is what I have to shoot for.Quality of life, Quality time with people. 

At this point I want to thank each of you who read my blog for your support, love, prayers, happy thoughts, good wishes, friendship. If you feel my journey can help someone else, please feel free to share my blog site with them. I want others to find the hope, the tender mercies, the strength to endure well what we have been given, (as hard as it may be). 

Love and peace.

Danielle

Did I say that?

Did I actually write a post and talk about waiting? Did I mention waiting in the title of said post? Did I say how I really didn't like waiting? And in the same post did I say anything about my Heavenly Father blessing me?
Haha, I know the darn joke is on me!!!!!!
Here's the deal, I rescheduled my CT scan because I woke up sick yesterday. I rescheduled for Thursday morning. More waiting.
That's not the end though.
Today they called from the Imaging Associates of Providence to tell me they had not yet received authorization for the scan.
What?.........
They didn't mention that yesterday when I called to reschedule. I should have expected it though. I have had more trouble getting timely authorizations for these darn scans, it's pathetic.
It's not really the fault of the doc's and staff there, it's the insurance.
So, for now, the scan is cancelled until I find out why I have no authorization yet, and until it's taken care of. Then I will schedule it. I will then have to reschedule my follow up appt with the Doc to go over the scan results.
I will try to remember not to write anything about waiting (and how I feel about it) in my blog posts in the future. It is counterproductive.
On another, more happy note, I spoke on the phone this afternoon with two dear friends from high school, sisters. I also spoke with their mom and dad. They are all like family to me. Very special family.  It was so nice to hear all their voices and speak to each of them individually. The only one I didn't get to chat with is their older brother, who is also good friends with my older brother.
Speaking with them made my day, my week, my holiday!
Now I go and spend the rest of the afternoon/evening with my kids. Don't really have a plan, it's real cold outside so driving around to look at Christmas lights may or may not happen. Maybe we will, go drive around, drink sparkling cider from the bottle....hahaha or take our nice crystal glasses with us and sing Christmas songs. Sounds fun. Cold, but fun.
Merry Christmas to all!!!!
Love and Blessings.
Danielle