Acts of Kindness

I don't do new years resolutions, but right now I am thinking a resolution I need to make is to write in my blog more consistently. It doesn't have to be a "new years resolution", just a commitment to myself, and my readers. Really, let's face it, there isn't much difference between resolutions, and goals. Is there?  I don't think so. When you lay them out, they seem very similar to me.
So, my goal then, is to write more often. Write better.
I also have a goal/plan to figure my computer out so I can put pictures in my blog again. That really sounds lame, and it's a big confession for me...I have a MacBook Pro, and I don't now much about how to use it. I can get on Facebook, Email, Bank accounts, blogs, but when it comes to downloading, editing, organizing and sharing pictures, I am clueless.
I load the pictures, then they pretty much go where they want, and I can look at them, but can't do anything else. Sounds so pathetic I know.
Okay, confession time over.
I now want to talk about mankind.
Generosity.
Strangers.
Random acts of kindness...or not random.
I got an email the other day telling me about rewards fundraising with the sight I set up my own fundraiser with. GofundMe.com
I clicked on the link they sent in the email and it took me to someones page. It was a young couple. Their story was touching. They want to have a baby. It's not been easy for them so they are trying to raise money to try all the latest and greatest medical options. They attached a rewards option to their fundraising. Meaning, they are offering certain rewards to people who donate certain amounts. The big draw is if you donate $8,000.00 they would name their baby after that person. At first read I thought they meant, the person who donated the amount that would put them at the $8,000.00 mark would be the  one they would name the baby after. After reading the further I discovered that what they meant was, if one person donated that amount, they would be the ones!!!!
I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw that one person DID it. He donated $8,000.00. He left a message stating his young age, his career path, and how he has money to spare and would love to spend it on a good cause (such as their's), rather then frivolous things like...well, like.....well, it doesn't matter. What matters is that seeing this warmed my heart! It reinforced the notion that there are wonderful, generous, charitable people out there. Even strangers. In general we each (hopefully) can count on our families to be there for us~maybe not with mucho cash~but you know, in a pinch we can count on them to help us out when need be. How often though can you faithfully count on strangers to be such a source of support?
It's refreshing.
It's generous.
It's inspiring.
It's heartwarming.
I actually went on Facebook and looked up this guy. He left his name on his message so I took that opportunity to find him. I did. I wrote him a message to tell him how impressed I was with his generosity. I asked him who taught him to be so generous. I told him if it was his mother, I hoped to be half that good at teaching my own son to be generous. Whether with is money or his deeds. I let him know that not everyone can give they way he did, but everyone can give something, even if it's service and not money.
For all those who have given of their money on my own fundraiser, I am forever grateful. For those who have given of their time, attention, friendship, I am equally grateful.
I just wanted to share this story with everyone. I was so touched by it.
Blessings!!!

Long time no SEe

I realize it has been  a long time since I wrote in my blog. I now know that I have missed doing so. I am writing now to update you on what is going on. 

I met with my doctor today to discuss my CT scan results. Compared to my last scan, which was July 30th, 2012, there has been a tiny bit of growth. Meaning, on one lesion there was 1mm of growth, on another there was 5mm of growth. Besides these two, all the others were stable and there were no new ones and no spreading. 
I have mixed feelings about these results.

On one hand I feel good about them because there was no spreading, and given the fact that there are multiple lesions bilaterally in both lungs the fact that only two show growth is good. On the other hand, any growth at all while taking chemo is not a good sign. It means that my body must be building up a resistance to that particular medicine.
I will count my blessings though, because this the perfect time to take a break, and try alternatives. I need to start my break before I go to Hallelujah Acres so that my mouth feels normal.
On that note, let me explain what my plan is. I haven't written in a long time, Chemo has taken quite a toll on me this round and it has just been more than I wanted to deal with.
So now I am writing...let me tell the story.
For a year and a half or longer I have been playing with the idea of going to some lifestyle center to learn about living a plant based diet life. I have read books, watched documentaries, you tube videos, talked with people, re-read, re-watched, and talked to more people and wondered how I could make this happen. After all it's not like it's free to go. And it's not like I wasn't scared to quit chemo and rely on my body to heal itself.
During this round, I finally decided to take more control. I set up a fundraising site online (www.gofundme.com/1t2xlk) and wrote a little bit of my story and hit submit. I really didn't know what to expect. Let me just say, I am feeling very (I mean VERY), blessed, and humbled by the generosity of people I know and love, and people I do not even know. I chose where I wanted to go and decided to just DO IT.
So, I am headed to Hallelujah Acres Lifestyle Center in West Virginia. I found out about this place when I read the book, "God's way to Ultimate Health" by Dr. George Malkmus. I will go and spend two weeks there in total immersion in the lifestyle. Learning how to make meals for myself with a plant based diet. There will be lots of carrot juice, and barley max and I will have to try new things, but I have to do this. What have I got to lose? The chemo is making me feel worse than the cancer is at this point. I owe it to myself and to my family to try this. I am trying to prep my husband and son for the changes that will happen when I return. Like totally cleaning out the pantry and restocking it and the fridge with healthy food.
No more birthday cakes, halloween candy, etc...for us. Unless they teach me how to make healthy cake. haha
They will be teaching me to make brownies using black beans. Interesting. I can't wait.
Two things I am not looking forward to, using mushrooms, I can't stand the things, and missing my two boys at home. And John, I mean you and Damon, not Damon and Bode just in case you are wondering.
So, for now this will do. Please visit my site, read my information,  and share it if you feel inclined to do so. I appreciate you reading my blog, and visiting my gofundme site. May God bless you!

Love,

Dani
www.gofundme.com/1t2xlk

Hard 2 Love Hard 2 Love.....

Who has heard that country song...'Hard 2 Love", by Lee Brice? It's great. It made me think of Chemo though. lol
It's hard 2 love hard 2 love the side effects, but I might like that its' good for me in ONE way. To shrink the lesions on my lungs.
In the mean time, It's hard to love cotton mouth, Hard to love cold sensitivity, Hard to love fatigue, Hard to love carrying around a fanny pack of med's for 46 hours after infusion. Hard to love not being able to drink or eat cold things. Hard to love nausea.
But it's easy to love the hope that it is helping me in the long run. though a person can only take so much of this particular medicine in a lifetime, so eventually there will have to be something else that works for me, or doesn't. Preferably works!!!
I am going to stay as strong as I can, physically in order to keep up with the regimen, and emotionally to keep up with my family, or help keep them up!

Vacation post, post vacation

Saturday, August 18, 2012

Well, it’s been an amazing two weeks! We came down to Austin, Texas to vacation in New Braunfels at the Worldmark resort there. My older brother, Dan, and his family came down to spend a few days with us. During that first few days, my younger brother, Jeremy, and his family (bigger by two all of a sudden) drove to New Braunfels while we were there and spent time with us. It was great to all be together and catch up with the spouses, and all the nieces and nephews. Until now there were only two nieces, Kaili and Jana, now there are three. Kaili, Jana, and Lucy now known to us as Sophie. As for the nephews, there was Alex, Jeffrey, Tyler, Damon and now add to that mix, Justin, now known as Ryder. Unfortunately Kaili was unable to be with us. We got lots of great pictures, and had fun together. We went to Schlitterbahn, swimming at the resort, out to dinner, toured Historic Gruene, Texas, and one night went to Gruene Hall to listen to the music. We went to San Antonio to see the Alamo and do the River Walk….which turned out to be a very hot thing to do that day.

I am in love with Gruene, Texas and Gruene Hall! I could go there several times a week and just listen to the music and practice my two step. 

I am sad for our time here to end. It means saying goodbye to family, goodbye to the sun. It means getting back to reality, the reality that is mine almost constantly these days. I have to return to Chemo. Round 3. I am not looking forward to it. I have to go back on the medication that causes neuropathy. I don’t think the outcome could be good as I still have neuropathy from round 1 which ended almost 2 yrs ago. When I say that though I think I should just shut up and count my blessings that I have a “2 yrs ago” to even talk about. Amen to that. There is a new medicine coming out , hopefully to be approved by the FDA by November. I will be in line to try that one out. Of course it comes with it’s own share of side effects, but some are more tolerable than others.

For now I am savoring the time I just spent in Texas! We spent the last two days at Jeremy and Kristin’s home. It was amazing to see family, the sun, relax, and renew bonds. 

Thawing

                                        My sweet nephew, wanting to drive my rental. The 'stang

                                                 Dessert before lunch. Joe's Crab Shack
                                                                           Kemah, Tx

                                                                 Me and Jeremy
                                                                    Kemah, Tx

                                                        My Texas boyfriend, Phineas

                                                                   Tyler, cooling off

Well, it's been tiring but good to be here for a quick visit and medical appointments. My brother, Jeremy and I drove to Houston twice this week to see the doctor at MD Anderson. The rest of the time I am just relaxing and enjoying with my nephew, brother and sister-in-law, Kristin. It's been real hot here...but that is okay. I realize the heat gets real old to those living here and I am sure it would to me too if i lived here, but I just came to thaw out a bit.
I am definitely thawing...fast.
Right now my Texas boyfriend is laying across my arm and I am having trouble typing, but he is such a cuddler and love.
I leave tomorrow night and return Sunday for a 2 week vacation. We will be in New Bruenfels. I am looking forward to it for numerous reasons, a few of which are that my older brother and his family are coming down from Iowa to share some time with us at the Worldmark resort, and so all three of us and our families will be together for a few days. We plan to hit Schlitterban, the world famous water park, as well as SeaWorld and whatever else we feel inclined to do. There will also be some relaxing and visiting going on. Just what I need!!! And John also!!! Maybe he more than me. I will be returning to treatment when we return to Alaska and he does so much for me anyway, but even more when I am going through Chemo. He needs a chance to warm up and feel the sun on his face and shoulders.
He will!

Here I go

Well, I head out Sunday for Texas. I have an appointment at MD Anderson on Monday the 30th. My brother Jeremy will be accompanying me. We will drive from Austin to Houston for a 12 noon appt to register. Meet with my Doctor at 1, bloodwork at 2, and a CT scan at 8pm that night. We haven't yet discussed whether we will drive back that night or not, though I am sure we will. That's a long day for anyone, but it looms longer for me given the changes in my diet. I won't be able to juice that day, hopefully I will be able to find a Jamba Juice!
During my visit with the Doc we will schedule a follow up for later that same week. I leave to come back home on Friday night and on Sunday, we leave as a family for vacation....to Texas. lol
Just can't get enough sun.
I am excited and nervous.
It's been a long time since my last scan when things were growing. I am nervous to find out what's been happening. My biggest fear is that it will have spread. That's what we have been trying so hard to avoid!
I am trying to focus on getting sun, seeing my brother, sister-in-law, and nephew.
I am excited to find out if MD Anderson has some options for me that will be supremely more benificial that what I have been getting here.
Going away is so much hard work.
There is laundry,
Packing,
Organizing home,
Planning meals for those staying behind,
Making sure dogs are taken care of,
bills to pay up on,
getting time with everyone before I go.
There is more I am sure I am leaving out.
Needless to say it's a busy week for me.
So I am off to ride bike with Damon and AVa before coming back to tackle more household chores.
I will do my best to keep writing and keep you up to date as to what is going on in Texas, besides the obvious....."the sun is shining and I am swimming"
lol

not lovin' life...just saying

See? I just tried publishing this without even writing anything!!!! Any other day that might be funny. Tonight? not so much.
Nothing is really funny, and as the evening wears on, I'm less and less amused.
I'm more and more scared.
I'm less and less interested.
I'm more and more determined.
I'm less and less confident.
I'm more and more sad.
I'm less and less happy.
I'm more and more sure.
I'm less heard.
I'm more annoyed.
I'm am just plain disheartened.
I used to have dreams. I used to have wishes. I used to be independent. I used to be active and healthy. I used to....
used to...
used to....

I need to get to;
I am,
I do,
I will,
I can,
I am sure!