See? I just tried publishing this without even writing anything!!!! Any other day that might be funny. Tonight? not so much.
Nothing is really funny, and as the evening wears on, I'm less and less amused.
I'm more and more scared.
I'm less and less interested.
I'm more and more determined.
I'm less and less confident.
I'm more and more sad.
I'm less and less happy.
I'm more and more sure.
I'm less heard.
I'm more annoyed.
I'm am just plain disheartened.
I used to have dreams. I used to have wishes. I used to be independent. I used to be active and healthy. I used to....
used to...
used to....
I need to get to;
I am,
I do,
I will,
I can,
I am sure!
Me and My Family
14 July, 2012
03 July, 2012
Down and out
Down and out....It's how I feel today. Or at least, Down and almost out. I am not so out that I didn't do anything, but wishing I was out so I didn't have to do anything. Making any sense yet?
Sorry.
I have submitted my records to MD Anderson and am still waiting to hear from them with an appointment date and time for me. It seems there have been delays at every level lately. Honestly, is patience really a virtue I need to be learning right now? Is this really the best time for this? I really think we could take this lesson and insert it somewhere else in my life at another time...like when I am dealing with my son, or my husband, or my dogs, but while waiting for an appointment to talk to a Doctor about my Cancer and what options might be out there to SAVE my life...? Really? This is when I need to be learning about patience? I completely disagree.
(and now this will be when I have to wait even longer because of what I just said.)....lol
But really, I think there is a better lesson to be learned here. Like good eating habits. Saying my prayers more consistently. Serving others more often. Exercising more faithfully. Appreciating hair only 1/4 of an inch long. You understand what I am getting at right?? Thank you!!!
I mean, I am only talking about my life. No big deal. Only it IS a big deal.
In the meantime, I also feel down, not just out. Like, I am just waiting for this appt and everything else in my life is just hanging out. There aren't any dreams being pursued, there is no one (or more) thing(s) I have to get done each day. I have nowhere to go at night. No dates. No girls nights out. No family business to run. I raise Damon and Play with Ava, and those are BIG things, I know that. but some might get what I mean when I say I feel like my life has no purpose right now. I'm just waiting around on this cancer. I know that's the wrong thing, but I don't know how to motivate to do anything else right now. I used to be such a go getter.
So, before I get you all down too...I will stop.
thank you for being the faithful readers you are. I appreciate that.
Love,
Danielle
Sorry.
I have submitted my records to MD Anderson and am still waiting to hear from them with an appointment date and time for me. It seems there have been delays at every level lately. Honestly, is patience really a virtue I need to be learning right now? Is this really the best time for this? I really think we could take this lesson and insert it somewhere else in my life at another time...like when I am dealing with my son, or my husband, or my dogs, but while waiting for an appointment to talk to a Doctor about my Cancer and what options might be out there to SAVE my life...? Really? This is when I need to be learning about patience? I completely disagree.
(and now this will be when I have to wait even longer because of what I just said.)....lol
But really, I think there is a better lesson to be learned here. Like good eating habits. Saying my prayers more consistently. Serving others more often. Exercising more faithfully. Appreciating hair only 1/4 of an inch long. You understand what I am getting at right?? Thank you!!!
I mean, I am only talking about my life. No big deal. Only it IS a big deal.
In the meantime, I also feel down, not just out. Like, I am just waiting for this appt and everything else in my life is just hanging out. There aren't any dreams being pursued, there is no one (or more) thing(s) I have to get done each day. I have nowhere to go at night. No dates. No girls nights out. No family business to run. I raise Damon and Play with Ava, and those are BIG things, I know that. but some might get what I mean when I say I feel like my life has no purpose right now. I'm just waiting around on this cancer. I know that's the wrong thing, but I don't know how to motivate to do anything else right now. I used to be such a go getter.
So, before I get you all down too...I will stop.
thank you for being the faithful readers you are. I appreciate that.
Love,
Danielle
29 June, 2012
going's on...
I keep resolving to do better about blogging and then things interfere and I stop for awhile. So much has happened since I wrote last.
My dad came for a two week visit and it was great seeing him, spending time with him, and doing things together.
I spent days trying to get in contact with my provider at JBER to get my referral for a second opinion rewritten so it could be authorized for me to go to MD Anderson. When I finally spoke with someone, they informed me my provider was out until the following week and no other provider would be able to write the referral. After that call I spoke with John. He got in contact with someone in Kodiak, who got in touch with someone else and they wrote my referral, submitted it to Tricare and within 2 days I had authorization to go to MD Anderson.
After that I gathered all my records that they requested and faxed them down. They are now being reviewed. Once they are finished reviewing my records, they will call me to schedule an appt.
Once the appt. is scheduled, we submit the authorization and appt. date and time for travel. Hopefully the Coast Guard will cover my travel and rental car. that will be a huge blessing. I also hope that my appt. isn't too far down the road.
We have a trip planned for the beginning of August and I want to be back from my appt. before we go on that trip. If I need to be seen again while I am down there on vacation, then that is ok with me.
I am so looking forward to going there and finding out if there is more that can be done for me. My biggest fear is that they will tell me they can't do anything more than what my doc up here is doing. that will be a huge disappointment and create a great sense of loss for me and my family.
I am armed with questions to ask! While my dad was here we sat down as a family and came up with a list of questions. I am not going to go all the way down there and then forget to ask something important.
In the mean time I have been trying to drink as much juice as I can, and eat salads, and fresh produce. In Alaska it's sometimes difficult.
I am still loving the carrot juice the best. I did find though that if I add pineapple to the green juice it helps a lot with the taste.
I am very proud of my daughter, she started drinking smoothies and even asked me to show her how to make them herself so when I am busy and she wants one, she can make it. This is a GREAT help. Not to mention a great healthy choice for her. good job Kaili!!!!
Juice is next on the list to try. We need an alternative to apples in the juices though as Kaili is allergic to apples.
ideas?.....are welcome.
We had to go back to the vet yesterday with Bode, the 1 yr old german shepherd....turns out he has a bad yeast infection in his ear. mmmm no wonder it hurt so bad.
Well, I hear my little man crying in bed.
thanks for reading.
Dani
My dad came for a two week visit and it was great seeing him, spending time with him, and doing things together.
I spent days trying to get in contact with my provider at JBER to get my referral for a second opinion rewritten so it could be authorized for me to go to MD Anderson. When I finally spoke with someone, they informed me my provider was out until the following week and no other provider would be able to write the referral. After that call I spoke with John. He got in contact with someone in Kodiak, who got in touch with someone else and they wrote my referral, submitted it to Tricare and within 2 days I had authorization to go to MD Anderson.
After that I gathered all my records that they requested and faxed them down. They are now being reviewed. Once they are finished reviewing my records, they will call me to schedule an appt.
Once the appt. is scheduled, we submit the authorization and appt. date and time for travel. Hopefully the Coast Guard will cover my travel and rental car. that will be a huge blessing. I also hope that my appt. isn't too far down the road.
We have a trip planned for the beginning of August and I want to be back from my appt. before we go on that trip. If I need to be seen again while I am down there on vacation, then that is ok with me.
I am so looking forward to going there and finding out if there is more that can be done for me. My biggest fear is that they will tell me they can't do anything more than what my doc up here is doing. that will be a huge disappointment and create a great sense of loss for me and my family.
I am armed with questions to ask! While my dad was here we sat down as a family and came up with a list of questions. I am not going to go all the way down there and then forget to ask something important.
In the mean time I have been trying to drink as much juice as I can, and eat salads, and fresh produce. In Alaska it's sometimes difficult.
I am still loving the carrot juice the best. I did find though that if I add pineapple to the green juice it helps a lot with the taste.
I am very proud of my daughter, she started drinking smoothies and even asked me to show her how to make them herself so when I am busy and she wants one, she can make it. This is a GREAT help. Not to mention a great healthy choice for her. good job Kaili!!!!
Juice is next on the list to try. We need an alternative to apples in the juices though as Kaili is allergic to apples.
ideas?.....are welcome.
We had to go back to the vet yesterday with Bode, the 1 yr old german shepherd....turns out he has a bad yeast infection in his ear. mmmm no wonder it hurt so bad.
Well, I hear my little man crying in bed.
thanks for reading.
Dani
18 June, 2012
Summer is underway
Can you believe we are having thunder and a little lightening for the second day in a row here in Palmer? That rarely happens. It was beautiful this morning all the way until just half an hour ago which would have been 2:45.
Yesterday we took the kayaks to Finger Lakes and had only been there 30 minutes when there was thunder and soon after we left there was lightening. That was a short-lived kayak trip, but at least my Dad got to try it. We will hopefully try again one of these evenings he is here.
Saturday we drove to Talkeetna, a little over an hour north, and walked around, looking in shops, went to lunch, and just being tourists. Damon ended up have a breakdown, so we took that opportunity to leave, without having ice cream. Nobody needed that anyway right? Right! Right, I keep telling myself.
It's been a good visit with my Dad so far. I am already dreading the day he has to leave.
Damon is bugging me to go find his slip-n-slide, I hope we still have it.
Danielle
Yesterday we took the kayaks to Finger Lakes and had only been there 30 minutes when there was thunder and soon after we left there was lightening. That was a short-lived kayak trip, but at least my Dad got to try it. We will hopefully try again one of these evenings he is here.
Saturday we drove to Talkeetna, a little over an hour north, and walked around, looking in shops, went to lunch, and just being tourists. Damon ended up have a breakdown, so we took that opportunity to leave, without having ice cream. Nobody needed that anyway right? Right! Right, I keep telling myself.
It's been a good visit with my Dad so far. I am already dreading the day he has to leave.
Damon is bugging me to go find his slip-n-slide, I hope we still have it.
Danielle
14 June, 2012
Mom, Mom, Mom
Who doesn't love to hear that name, Mom!? Right?
It's heartwarming and joyous.
It's a miracle and a blessing.
It's music to the ears.
It's fabulous and fantastic.
It's sweet and soothing.
right?
Well yes of course. Most of the time.
Until every kid in the house (and the husband), is calling it out at the same time, over and over and over. They all want to cut in and interrupt each other. They want to be heard first and forever. They want me to make lunch but then they want me to look at them while they are talking to me. really? Did you want the jelly on the bread or on the counter? I have to watch what I am doing while making P.B. &J. But I can still listen. I think. Though with my name being called out from every corner of the house I get easily distracted, sidetracked, confused, and downright frustrated.
It's impossible to listen to everyone at once and really get a grasp on what they are each saying. At this point I want to banish everyone to their rooms for mandatory QUIET time. You heard me, quiet! time. I have to gather my thoughts, reign in my emotions, and release my frustrations.
This is what it has been like for the last couple of days at my house.
The 51 yr old, "Honey, come see this!"
The 22 yr old, "Moooom, did you hear what I said?"
The 5 yr old, "mom, mom, mom, you need to come outside with my right now."
The 18 month old, "Nani, Nani, up.....down, eat, no more, Bode, Bode. "
Don't get me wrong for a second, I love each one of these wonderful souls who are in my life. It's just so hard to feel like everyone is pulling me in so many directions I don't know which way my head goes on my shoulders anymore. Thank goodness it is on straight tonight. LOL.
The two who are mine are constantly competing, or so it sometimes seems, for who can speak the most words in a minute. Forget typing.
Example: today on the way home from Anchorage, Damon literally talked the whole way home, and it's a 40 minute drive. I just ended up having to laugh and laugh.
What else you gonna do?
Thank you for reading....
FYI I am still waiting to get the appropriate referral to submit to Tricare for (hopeful) authorization to go to MD Anderson. It's taking way too long. I am ready to give some a big shove!!!!
Love
Dani
It's heartwarming and joyous.
It's a miracle and a blessing.
It's music to the ears.
It's fabulous and fantastic.
It's sweet and soothing.
right?
Well yes of course. Most of the time.
Until every kid in the house (and the husband), is calling it out at the same time, over and over and over. They all want to cut in and interrupt each other. They want to be heard first and forever. They want me to make lunch but then they want me to look at them while they are talking to me. really? Did you want the jelly on the bread or on the counter? I have to watch what I am doing while making P.B. &J. But I can still listen. I think. Though with my name being called out from every corner of the house I get easily distracted, sidetracked, confused, and downright frustrated.
It's impossible to listen to everyone at once and really get a grasp on what they are each saying. At this point I want to banish everyone to their rooms for mandatory QUIET time. You heard me, quiet! time. I have to gather my thoughts, reign in my emotions, and release my frustrations.
This is what it has been like for the last couple of days at my house.
The 51 yr old, "Honey, come see this!"
The 22 yr old, "Moooom, did you hear what I said?"
The 5 yr old, "mom, mom, mom, you need to come outside with my right now."
The 18 month old, "Nani, Nani, up.....down, eat, no more, Bode, Bode. "
Don't get me wrong for a second, I love each one of these wonderful souls who are in my life. It's just so hard to feel like everyone is pulling me in so many directions I don't know which way my head goes on my shoulders anymore. Thank goodness it is on straight tonight. LOL.
The two who are mine are constantly competing, or so it sometimes seems, for who can speak the most words in a minute. Forget typing.
Example: today on the way home from Anchorage, Damon literally talked the whole way home, and it's a 40 minute drive. I just ended up having to laugh and laugh.
What else you gonna do?
Thank you for reading....
FYI I am still waiting to get the appropriate referral to submit to Tricare for (hopeful) authorization to go to MD Anderson. It's taking way too long. I am ready to give some a big shove!!!!
Love
Dani
04 June, 2012
Strong, Beautiful, Amazing, to name a few
Hi,
Hope everyone had a great monday. Mine was good. My daughter and I did a walking video, I made lots of bread to share. Some of the recent pictures I had taken were posted on Facebook and people seem to love them.
Some of the things that are being said are that I am;
Amazing
Beautiful
Gorgeous
Strong
Wonderful
All these things I have always wanted to feel and say about myself, but hesitate to. there are times in my life when I might have felt Amazing...maybe about something I did. There are different times in my life I have felt Strong.
I can't say I have ever felt all these things at once and to read what people are saying about my pictures is heartwarming to hear. It all makes me feel those things...Strong, amazing, beautiful, Wonderful...
It's easy to disregard positive feelings we might have (I might have for myself) for ourselves in the mad rush that is daily life. Dishes, laundry, dog doo, whining kids, dirty floors, demanding dogs, talkative adult children (I love you Kaili), phone calls, exercise, gardens, T.V. shows...it all takes a toll and distracts (me) from who we are, (I am in those pictures).
By the way...I will post some of said pictures as soon as I get the disc with them on it.
thank you to all of you for reading, for supporting me, for loving me and my family.
Looking forward to a wonderful, beautiful, amazing week.
Dani
Hope everyone had a great monday. Mine was good. My daughter and I did a walking video, I made lots of bread to share. Some of the recent pictures I had taken were posted on Facebook and people seem to love them.
Some of the things that are being said are that I am;
Amazing
Beautiful
Gorgeous
Strong
Wonderful
All these things I have always wanted to feel and say about myself, but hesitate to. there are times in my life when I might have felt Amazing...maybe about something I did. There are different times in my life I have felt Strong.
I can't say I have ever felt all these things at once and to read what people are saying about my pictures is heartwarming to hear. It all makes me feel those things...Strong, amazing, beautiful, Wonderful...
It's easy to disregard positive feelings we might have (I might have for myself) for ourselves in the mad rush that is daily life. Dishes, laundry, dog doo, whining kids, dirty floors, demanding dogs, talkative adult children (I love you Kaili), phone calls, exercise, gardens, T.V. shows...it all takes a toll and distracts (me) from who we are, (I am in those pictures).
By the way...I will post some of said pictures as soon as I get the disc with them on it.
thank you to all of you for reading, for supporting me, for loving me and my family.
Looking forward to a wonderful, beautiful, amazing week.
Dani
01 June, 2012
Sometimes things just click!
Wow. I love it when things just click. There are days when it seems all my parenting efforts, whether they be good or bad...are just not working. There are days when I just get so tired of hearing my own voice repeat my son's name over and over and over again. There are days when it's as if the things I try to teach are going straight through a colander with large holes.
Then, all of a sudden there is this ONE day....
This one day when everything seems to CLICK. Like everything I have been teaching, preaching, and showing, all comes together and my Littleman is taking on his share of responsibilities and then some. Tonight I asked Damon if he wanted to vacuum and he said yes. I came back downstairs to find him vacuuming under the dining table. I then offered to take over so he could do his regular chore (emptying the bathroom garbages from all three bathrooms). He said, no he would do both! wow. so now I am blogging while my Littleman is vacuuming. Part of me is anticipating that when he finishes he will realize maybe he offered too much and try to get out of doing the garbages. We shall see.
He even vacuumed out the pantry. hmmmm...i am impressed.
This could be one of the best obsessive traits his Daddy passes on to him. His wife will love him for it.
Speaking of wives loving it....I do love that about John. Sometimes is does get to be too much cuz he will move my things and then I don't know where they are, or he will throw something away he thinks is garbage, but in reality I was saving. Besides those things, I love that he isn't afraid to push a vacuum, wash a dish, scrub a toilet...although he has scrubbed WAY more dishes and floors than toilets or bathroom sinks. I love that he will do all these things AND mow the lawn, plant the garden, clean the garage, etc...
Alright, I already have the verdict. Damon did all the chores he said he would and as if by mental telepathy our friends came by in their side by side and offered to take Damon for a ride. He is getting a greg reward for his efforts! And so am I. Woooo Hooo.
I love it when things just Click!
And I love you for being there for me and for reading my blog, my journey.
Dani
Then, all of a sudden there is this ONE day....
This one day when everything seems to CLICK. Like everything I have been teaching, preaching, and showing, all comes together and my Littleman is taking on his share of responsibilities and then some. Tonight I asked Damon if he wanted to vacuum and he said yes. I came back downstairs to find him vacuuming under the dining table. I then offered to take over so he could do his regular chore (emptying the bathroom garbages from all three bathrooms). He said, no he would do both! wow. so now I am blogging while my Littleman is vacuuming. Part of me is anticipating that when he finishes he will realize maybe he offered too much and try to get out of doing the garbages. We shall see.
He even vacuumed out the pantry. hmmmm...i am impressed.
This could be one of the best obsessive traits his Daddy passes on to him. His wife will love him for it.
Speaking of wives loving it....I do love that about John. Sometimes is does get to be too much cuz he will move my things and then I don't know where they are, or he will throw something away he thinks is garbage, but in reality I was saving. Besides those things, I love that he isn't afraid to push a vacuum, wash a dish, scrub a toilet...although he has scrubbed WAY more dishes and floors than toilets or bathroom sinks. I love that he will do all these things AND mow the lawn, plant the garden, clean the garage, etc...
Alright, I already have the verdict. Damon did all the chores he said he would and as if by mental telepathy our friends came by in their side by side and offered to take Damon for a ride. He is getting a greg reward for his efforts! And so am I. Woooo Hooo.
I love it when things just Click!
And I love you for being there for me and for reading my blog, my journey.
Dani
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